Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your health and dignity are equally important, but four square miles of ball bearings will make it difficult for you to maintain either.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You're technically in favor of people exacting bloody revenge, but everyone trying to do it all at once will seriously inconvenience you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You may be the best art thief on the continent, but your penchant for Lladro porcelain and collectible chess sets will keep your legend small.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Not only is fusion sushi "so three years ago," but you apparently don't realize it has nothing to do with the musical stylings of Spyro Gyra.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The population density of Wyoming is very low, but that doesn't mean the people there aren't also out to kill you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You don't like having limits imposed upon you, which is why it enrages you to hear Roger Miller sing "You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars have something frightfully urgent to tell you, but the new Grand Theft Auto just came out, and they're not leaving the house.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
As long as you're personally involved in the process, it'll be a terrible time to make career or romantic decisions.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The overwhelming sense that everything is falling apart around your ears will be reinforced by painful sonic and tactile cues.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
All your money problems will be solved when an out-of-control armored car hurtles down your street, but not in a fashion you'll consider ideal.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll feel a certain sense of inevitability when you see John Waters sitting in the front row at your trial for the hair-dryer electrocution of your boyfriend.
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