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Horoscope for the week of October 27, 2004

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of October 27, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your health and dignity are equally important, but four square miles of ball bearings will make it difficult for you to maintain either.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're technically in favor of people exacting bloody revenge, but everyone trying to do it all at once will seriously inconvenience you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You may be the best art thief on the continent, but your penchant for Lladro porcelain and collectible chess sets will keep your legend small.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not only is fusion sushi "so three years ago," but you apparently don't realize it has nothing to do with the musical stylings of Spyro Gyra.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The population density of Wyoming is very low, but that doesn't mean the people there aren't also out to kill you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You don't like having limits imposed upon you, which is why it enrages you to hear Roger Miller sing "You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars have something frightfully urgent to tell you, but the new Grand Theft Auto just came out, and they're not leaving the house.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    As long as you're personally involved in the process, it'll be a terrible time to make career or romantic decisions.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The overwhelming sense that everything is falling apart around your ears will be reinforced by painful sonic and tactile cues.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All your money problems will be solved when an out-of-control armored car hurtles down your street, but not in a fashion you'll consider ideal.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll feel a certain sense of inevitability when you see John Waters sitting in the front row at your trial for the hair-dryer electrocution of your boyfriend.

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