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Horoscope for the week of October 27, 2004

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 27, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your health and dignity are equally important, but four square miles of ball bearings will make it difficult for you to maintain either.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're technically in favor of people exacting bloody revenge, but everyone trying to do it all at once will seriously inconvenience you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You may be the best art thief on the continent, but your penchant for Lladro porcelain and collectible chess sets will keep your legend small.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not only is fusion sushi "so three years ago," but you apparently don't realize it has nothing to do with the musical stylings of Spyro Gyra.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The population density of Wyoming is very low, but that doesn't mean the people there aren't also out to kill you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You don't like having limits imposed upon you, which is why it enrages you to hear Roger Miller sing "You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars have something frightfully urgent to tell you, but the new Grand Theft Auto just came out, and they're not leaving the house.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    As long as you're personally involved in the process, it'll be a terrible time to make career or romantic decisions.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The overwhelming sense that everything is falling apart around your ears will be reinforced by painful sonic and tactile cues.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All your money problems will be solved when an out-of-control armored car hurtles down your street, but not in a fashion you'll consider ideal.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll feel a certain sense of inevitability when you see John Waters sitting in the front row at your trial for the hair-dryer electrocution of your boyfriend.

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