Horoscope for the week of October 27, 2004

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 27, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your health and dignity are equally important, but four square miles of ball bearings will make it difficult for you to maintain either.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're technically in favor of people exacting bloody revenge, but everyone trying to do it all at once will seriously inconvenience you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You may be the best art thief on the continent, but your penchant for Lladro porcelain and collectible chess sets will keep your legend small.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not only is fusion sushi "so three years ago," but you apparently don't realize it has nothing to do with the musical stylings of Spyro Gyra.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The population density of Wyoming is very low, but that doesn't mean the people there aren't also out to kill you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You don't like having limits imposed upon you, which is why it enrages you to hear Roger Miller sing "You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars have something frightfully urgent to tell you, but the new Grand Theft Auto just came out, and they're not leaving the house.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    As long as you're personally involved in the process, it'll be a terrible time to make career or romantic decisions.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The overwhelming sense that everything is falling apart around your ears will be reinforced by painful sonic and tactile cues.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All your money problems will be solved when an out-of-control armored car hurtles down your street, but not in a fashion you'll consider ideal.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll feel a certain sense of inevitability when you see John Waters sitting in the front row at your trial for the hair-dryer electrocution of your boyfriend.