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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of October 27, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your health and dignity are equally important, but four square miles of ball bearings will make it difficult for you to maintain either.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're technically in favor of people exacting bloody revenge, but everyone trying to do it all at once will seriously inconvenience you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You may be the best art thief on the continent, but your penchant for Lladro porcelain and collectible chess sets will keep your legend small.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not only is fusion sushi "so three years ago," but you apparently don't realize it has nothing to do with the musical stylings of Spyro Gyra.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The population density of Wyoming is very low, but that doesn't mean the people there aren't also out to kill you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You don't like having limits imposed upon you, which is why it enrages you to hear Roger Miller sing "You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars have something frightfully urgent to tell you, but the new Grand Theft Auto just came out, and they're not leaving the house.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    As long as you're personally involved in the process, it'll be a terrible time to make career or romantic decisions.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The overwhelming sense that everything is falling apart around your ears will be reinforced by painful sonic and tactile cues.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All your money problems will be solved when an out-of-control armored car hurtles down your street, but not in a fashion you'll consider ideal.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll feel a certain sense of inevitability when you see John Waters sitting in the front row at your trial for the hair-dryer electrocution of your boyfriend.

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