Aries | March 21 to April 19
Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars have not been clear about the cause of next Monday's fracas, but one thing is certain: You will have to forfeit the deposit on that horse you rented.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Though you have no medical training, the newspapers will refer to you as "the eye-ear-nose-throat specialist" after the police search your basement next week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
To your dismay and embarrassment, you will be forced to admit that you haven't heard the one about the Polish drycleaner and the one-legged midget.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Nothing much will happen this week, aside from your usual whirlwind of sexual excess, churchgoing and drug abuse.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Overwhelming consumer demand for a more ergonomically styled Virgo leads to your complete and extremely painful redesign this week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be disappointed to learn that your lucrative business selling your used panties to longshoremen is insufficient preparation for a career in the world of high finance.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be found to consist of gray limestone with a rough shale covering. This comes as no surprise, however, as you are the Rock of Gibraltar.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your estimate that there are 65,292,100 goats in the world will turn out to be a little too close for some people’s comfort.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The outcome of your battle with leukemia will hinge upon whether you can obtain the essence of a certain '80s comedian for your Emotherapy.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will find yourself vindicated next Thursday when your lifelong fear of thumbs turns out to be justified after all.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Taxpayers and astronomers alike will openly question the merit of NASA's upcoming manned mission to you.
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