adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars have not been clear about the cause of next Monday's fracas, but one thing is certain: You will have to forfeit the deposit on that horse you rented.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though you have no medical training, the newspapers will refer to you as "the eye-ear-nose-throat specialist" after the police search your basement next week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    To your dismay and embarrassment, you will be forced to admit that you haven't heard the one about the Polish drycleaner and the one-legged midget.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Nothing much will happen this week, aside from your usual whirlwind of sexual excess, churchgoing and drug abuse.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Overwhelming consumer demand for a more ergonomically styled Virgo leads to your complete and extremely painful redesign this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be disappointed to learn that your lucrative business selling your used panties to longshoremen is insufficient preparation for a career in the world of high finance.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be found to consist of gray limestone with a rough shale covering. This comes as no surprise, however, as you are the Rock of Gibraltar.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your estimate that there are 65,292,100 goats in the world will turn out to be a little too close for some people’s comfort.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The outcome of your battle with leukemia will hinge upon whether you can obtain the essence of a certain '80s comedian for your Emotherapy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will find yourself vindicated next Thursday when your lifelong fear of thumbs turns out to be justified after all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Taxpayers and astronomers alike will openly question the merit of NASA's upcoming manned mission to you.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close