Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

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Vol 34 Issue 13

Fox News Channel Adds Laugh Track

LOS ANGELES–Seeking to distinguish itself in the highly competitive arena of TV news, Fox News Channel added a laugh track to its broadcast Monday. "We found that viewers responded better to footage of flood-ravaged Texans and the mutilated bodies of ethnic Albanians when accompanied by canned laughter," network president Allen Rudd said. "This really seems to help viewers better digest and enjoy the oft-difficult content." Depending on the success of the experiment, titillating whoops and "whoahs" will be added to stories concerning the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal.

Scott Bakula Turns 43, Newspaper Reports

JACKSONVILLE, FL–According to a report in Monday's Jacksonville Times-Union, former Quantum Leap star Scott Bakula has turned 43. "Scott Bakula.... 43" read the report, which appeared in the newspaper's "Lifestyle" section. The story went on to note that Lou Rawls, Penny Marshall, Kate Jackson and Bruce Jenner also had birthdays Monday. Times-Union editor Pat Krause refused to reveal his newspaper's source for the story.

Area Units Really Moving

GALVESTON, TX–Units are really moving at ABC Appliance Warehouse, assistant manager Ralph Hutchins reported Tuesday. "We moved about 300 units today, with almost 75 units moving between 9 and 10 a.m. alone," Hutchins said. "That's a hell of a lot of units to move off the shelves in just one day." If demand for units continues at its current pace, Hutchins said they might have to go on back-order. "We've had to limit people to one unit a piece as it is," he said.

Local Gym Teacher Loves Forcing Children To Dance

HUTCHINSON, KS–Coach Milt Brundage, physical-education teacher at Hutchinson Middle School, derives pleasure from forcing pre-adolescents to dance on command, it was revealed Monday. "Oh, to make the children dance," the 58-year-old Brundage said. "To play 'Alley Cat' for hours on end, sternly admonishing those who fall behind so that they must speed themselves, it is my greatest joy in life." Brundage has warned students in his second-period gym class that he will extend their social-dance unit another two weeks if they do not begin to show an acceptable level of enthusiasm. "Dance! Dance for my amusement!" he told the gawky, forlorn seventh-graders.

Starr Taunts Clinton With Humiliating 'Sittin' In A Tree' Song

WASHINGTON, DC–In his latest salvo against the president, Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr publicly taunted Bill Clinton Tuesday with the humiliating "sittin' in a tree" song. "Bill and Monica / Sittin' in a tree / K-I-S-S-I-N-G," Starr sang to reporters at a Washington Hilton press conference. "First comes love / Then comes marriage / Then comes Bill with the baby carriage." Upon completion of the song's first verse, Starr abruptly ended the press conference. Spokespersons for Starr said he has not ruled out the possibility of singing the "wetting his pants / hula-hula dance" verse–widely considered the most devastating of the entire song–at a later date.

Hollywood Eating Disorders

Helen Hunt, Courteney Cox and Ally McBeal's Calista Flockhart are among a wave of actresses recently rumored to have eating disorders. What do you think about extreme thinness in Hollywood?

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Area Man Forces Self To Drink Another Free Refill

ERIE, PA–Local fast-food consumer Don Turnbee forced himself to drink another free refill Tuesday, despite the fact that he had already consumed three small soft drinks and was no longer thirsty, Burger King outlet #4579 sources reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars have not been clear about the cause of next Monday's fracas, but one thing is certain: You will have to forfeit the deposit on that horse you rented.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Though you have no medical training, the newspapers will refer to you as "the eye-ear-nose-throat specialist" after the police search your basement next week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    To your dismay and embarrassment, you will be forced to admit that you haven't heard the one about the Polish drycleaner and the one-legged midget.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Nothing much will happen this week, aside from your usual whirlwind of sexual excess, churchgoing and drug abuse.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Overwhelming consumer demand for a more ergonomically styled Virgo leads to your complete and extremely painful redesign this week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will be disappointed to learn that your lucrative business selling your used panties to longshoremen is insufficient preparation for a career in the world of high finance.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will be found to consist of gray limestone with a rough shale covering. This comes as no surprise, however, as you are the Rock of Gibraltar.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your estimate that there are 65,292,100 goats in the world will turn out to be a little too close for some people’s comfort.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The outcome of your battle with leukemia will hinge upon whether you can obtain the essence of a certain '80s comedian for your Emotherapy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will find yourself vindicated next Thursday when your lifelong fear of thumbs turns out to be justified after all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Taxpayers and astronomers alike will openly question the merit of NASA's upcoming manned mission to you.
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