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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars have not been clear about the cause of next Monday's fracas, but one thing is certain: You will have to forfeit the deposit on that horse you rented.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though you have no medical training, the newspapers will refer to you as "the eye-ear-nose-throat specialist" after the police search your basement next week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    To your dismay and embarrassment, you will be forced to admit that you haven't heard the one about the Polish drycleaner and the one-legged midget.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Nothing much will happen this week, aside from your usual whirlwind of sexual excess, churchgoing and drug abuse.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Overwhelming consumer demand for a more ergonomically styled Virgo leads to your complete and extremely painful redesign this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be disappointed to learn that your lucrative business selling your used panties to longshoremen is insufficient preparation for a career in the world of high finance.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be found to consist of gray limestone with a rough shale covering. This comes as no surprise, however, as you are the Rock of Gibraltar.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your estimate that there are 65,292,100 goats in the world will turn out to be a little too close for some people’s comfort.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The outcome of your battle with leukemia will hinge upon whether you can obtain the essence of a certain '80s comedian for your Emotherapy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will find yourself vindicated next Thursday when your lifelong fear of thumbs turns out to be justified after all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Taxpayers and astronomers alike will openly question the merit of NASA's upcoming manned mission to you.

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