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Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars have not been clear about the cause of next Monday's fracas, but one thing is certain: You will have to forfeit the deposit on that horse you rented.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though you have no medical training, the newspapers will refer to you as "the eye-ear-nose-throat specialist" after the police search your basement next week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    To your dismay and embarrassment, you will be forced to admit that you haven't heard the one about the Polish drycleaner and the one-legged midget.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Nothing much will happen this week, aside from your usual whirlwind of sexual excess, churchgoing and drug abuse.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Overwhelming consumer demand for a more ergonomically styled Virgo leads to your complete and extremely painful redesign this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be disappointed to learn that your lucrative business selling your used panties to longshoremen is insufficient preparation for a career in the world of high finance.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be found to consist of gray limestone with a rough shale covering. This comes as no surprise, however, as you are the Rock of Gibraltar.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your estimate that there are 65,292,100 goats in the world will turn out to be a little too close for some people’s comfort.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The outcome of your battle with leukemia will hinge upon whether you can obtain the essence of a certain '80s comedian for your Emotherapy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will find yourself vindicated next Thursday when your lifelong fear of thumbs turns out to be justified after all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Taxpayers and astronomers alike will openly question the merit of NASA's upcoming manned mission to you.

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