Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars have not been clear about the cause of next Monday's fracas, but one thing is certain: You will have to forfeit the deposit on that horse you rented.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though you have no medical training, the newspapers will refer to you as "the eye-ear-nose-throat specialist" after the police search your basement next week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    To your dismay and embarrassment, you will be forced to admit that you haven't heard the one about the Polish drycleaner and the one-legged midget.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Nothing much will happen this week, aside from your usual whirlwind of sexual excess, churchgoing and drug abuse.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Overwhelming consumer demand for a more ergonomically styled Virgo leads to your complete and extremely painful redesign this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be disappointed to learn that your lucrative business selling your used panties to longshoremen is insufficient preparation for a career in the world of high finance.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be found to consist of gray limestone with a rough shale covering. This comes as no surprise, however, as you are the Rock of Gibraltar.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your estimate that there are 65,292,100 goats in the world will turn out to be a little too close for some people’s comfort.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The outcome of your battle with leukemia will hinge upon whether you can obtain the essence of a certain '80s comedian for your Emotherapy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will find yourself vindicated next Thursday when your lifelong fear of thumbs turns out to be justified after all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Taxpayers and astronomers alike will openly question the merit of NASA's upcoming manned mission to you.