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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1996

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will never acheive your full potential as a person unless you can win your life’s most personal battles. Declare war on polyester/cotton blends.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A period of ill health looms before you when the other members of your heavy metal band strap you to a chair and force seven pounds of uncooked sausage meat down your self-righteous vegetarian throat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will go down in history as the first practitioner of inspirational pamphlet-assisted suicide.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When 14 bodies are discovered in your basement, your usual alibi of "The dog did it" is of absolutely no help—even though it's actually true this time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A sudden slave rebellion will take you by surprise, leaving you with the feeling that, had you been aware that you owned slaves, you could have nearly doubled your productivity.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are in for the fight of your life this week when Diana Rigg overhears your catty remarks about the cut of her evening gown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your translation of The Odyssey goes almost completely unread in the South.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your vanity and love of the spotlight override your common sense when you attend the 1997 Grammy Awards in a dress made of human skin.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An error in translation while travelling results in a surprise sexual escapade with a camel.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and set yourself on fire.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your community decides to honor your contributions to society by making you part of the new blacktop in the school parking lot.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You dream about eating a huge marshmallow. When you wake up, all your huge marshmallows are gone.

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