adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1996

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will never acheive your full potential as a person unless you can win your life’s most personal battles. Declare war on polyester/cotton blends.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A period of ill health looms before you when the other members of your heavy metal band strap you to a chair and force seven pounds of uncooked sausage meat down your self-righteous vegetarian throat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will go down in history as the first practitioner of inspirational pamphlet-assisted suicide.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When 14 bodies are discovered in your basement, your usual alibi of "The dog did it" is of absolutely no help—even though it's actually true this time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A sudden slave rebellion will take you by surprise, leaving you with the feeling that, had you been aware that you owned slaves, you could have nearly doubled your productivity.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are in for the fight of your life this week when Diana Rigg overhears your catty remarks about the cut of her evening gown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your translation of The Odyssey goes almost completely unread in the South.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your vanity and love of the spotlight override your common sense when you attend the 1997 Grammy Awards in a dress made of human skin.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An error in translation while travelling results in a surprise sexual escapade with a camel.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and set yourself on fire.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your community decides to honor your contributions to society by making you part of the new blacktop in the school parking lot.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You dream about eating a huge marshmallow. When you wake up, all your huge marshmallows are gone.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close