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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1996

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will never acheive your full potential as a person unless you can win your life’s most personal battles. Declare war on polyester/cotton blends.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A period of ill health looms before you when the other members of your heavy metal band strap you to a chair and force seven pounds of uncooked sausage meat down your self-righteous vegetarian throat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will go down in history as the first practitioner of inspirational pamphlet-assisted suicide.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When 14 bodies are discovered in your basement, your usual alibi of "The dog did it" is of absolutely no help—even though it's actually true this time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A sudden slave rebellion will take you by surprise, leaving you with the feeling that, had you been aware that you owned slaves, you could have nearly doubled your productivity.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are in for the fight of your life this week when Diana Rigg overhears your catty remarks about the cut of her evening gown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your translation of The Odyssey goes almost completely unread in the South.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your vanity and love of the spotlight override your common sense when you attend the 1997 Grammy Awards in a dress made of human skin.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An error in translation while travelling results in a surprise sexual escapade with a camel.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and set yourself on fire.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your community decides to honor your contributions to society by making you part of the new blacktop in the school parking lot.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You dream about eating a huge marshmallow. When you wake up, all your huge marshmallows are gone.

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