Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1997

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your death under unusual circumstances inspires your family to establish the Aries Memorial Fund To Prevent Circus-Elephant-Related Autoerotic Asphyxiation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your academic reputation is saved when recently discovered Egyptian texts prove your theory that Ramses II did in fact throw it all away for a cocktail waitress.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You become an overnight media darling when the local news exposes your lifelong love affair with cats.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your nude silhouette becomes known to every trucker in America when you are asked to be the model for a new line of naked-profile mudflaps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You develop a reputation as a great hunter among your co-workers after you successfully slay a deer with your Toyota.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When in doubt, old wisdom is the best wisdom: Prevent the demonic possession of your serving wench by walking around your cottage three times widdershins and rethatch your roof with mandrake root.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your most dearly held belief is proven half-wrong when scientists determine that Ernest Borgnine is grumpy but not lovable.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The Supreme Court denies you the right to appear as yourself in public after the Coca-Cola corporation claims it invented you in 1968.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Mercury in your sign says you will soon travel. Of course, this is true for roughly 40 percent of Americans.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your mother is proven right once again when your enjoyment of snack cakes leads to heroin use.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You become a hot Hollywood property when sound-effects artists discover that shooting you in the stomach sounds remarkably like the real thing


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