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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1997

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your death under unusual circumstances inspires your family to establish the Aries Memorial Fund To Prevent Circus-Elephant-Related Autoerotic Asphyxiation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your academic reputation is saved when recently discovered Egyptian texts prove your theory that Ramses II did in fact throw it all away for a cocktail waitress.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You become an overnight media darling when the local news exposes your lifelong love affair with cats.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your nude silhouette becomes known to every trucker in America when you are asked to be the model for a new line of naked-profile mudflaps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You develop a reputation as a great hunter among your co-workers after you successfully slay a deer with your Toyota.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When in doubt, old wisdom is the best wisdom: Prevent the demonic possession of your serving wench by walking around your cottage three times widdershins and rethatch your roof with mandrake root.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your most dearly held belief is proven half-wrong when scientists determine that Ernest Borgnine is grumpy but not lovable.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The Supreme Court denies you the right to appear as yourself in public after the Coca-Cola corporation claims it invented you in 1968.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Mercury in your sign says you will soon travel. Of course, this is true for roughly 40 percent of Americans.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your mother is proven right once again when your enjoyment of snack cakes leads to heroin use.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You become a hot Hollywood property when sound-effects artists discover that shooting you in the stomach sounds remarkably like the real thing

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