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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1997

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your death under unusual circumstances inspires your family to establish the Aries Memorial Fund To Prevent Circus-Elephant-Related Autoerotic Asphyxiation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your academic reputation is saved when recently discovered Egyptian texts prove your theory that Ramses II did in fact throw it all away for a cocktail waitress.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You become an overnight media darling when the local news exposes your lifelong love affair with cats.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your nude silhouette becomes known to every trucker in America when you are asked to be the model for a new line of naked-profile mudflaps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You develop a reputation as a great hunter among your co-workers after you successfully slay a deer with your Toyota.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When in doubt, old wisdom is the best wisdom: Prevent the demonic possession of your serving wench by walking around your cottage three times widdershins and rethatch your roof with mandrake root.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your most dearly held belief is proven half-wrong when scientists determine that Ernest Borgnine is grumpy but not lovable.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The Supreme Court denies you the right to appear as yourself in public after the Coca-Cola corporation claims it invented you in 1968.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Mercury in your sign says you will soon travel. Of course, this is true for roughly 40 percent of Americans.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your mother is proven right once again when your enjoyment of snack cakes leads to heroin use.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You become a hot Hollywood property when sound-effects artists discover that shooting you in the stomach sounds remarkably like the real thing

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