Horoscope for the week of October 29, 2003

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What Smoking A Cigarette Does To The Body

With the FDA recently pulling multiple cigarette brands off the market, the conversation surrounding the harmful effects of smoking has been returning in full force to the national stage. Here is what happens to your body as you smoke a cigarette

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Unfortunately, the depressed economy and reduced demand for the service will force you to once again scale back the price of your mustache rides.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It turns out that there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be the latest victim of the five-year unrest between the lower-woodwind and string sections of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fail to inspire either fear or loyalty, in spite of the iron hand that you used in organizing the hayride.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The last members of your extended family will die of leprosy, putting a stop to the stream of interestingly stained hand-me-downs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You weren't aware that you could go to hell for wearing the wrong pants, but then you saw it in the Old Testament
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your desire for further intellectual growth will be stunted when all of your questions about Aquaman are answered.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There's an old superstition that the Devil won't come for a person who has to finish the Lord's work, but that's no reason not to do your dishes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your career opportunities will become somewhat more limited when, for the third year in a row, you flunk out of the School Of Hard Knocks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although your enemies have taken back their "screw you" statement, you might want to make a point of being extra considerate to the horse you rode in on.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't worry about politics so much. From time to time, the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of idiots.