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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 2003

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Unfortunately, the depressed economy and reduced demand for the service will force you to once again scale back the price of your mustache rides.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It turns out that there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be the latest victim of the five-year unrest between the lower-woodwind and string sections of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fail to inspire either fear or loyalty, in spite of the iron hand that you used in organizing the hayride.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The last members of your extended family will die of leprosy, putting a stop to the stream of interestingly stained hand-me-downs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You weren't aware that you could go to hell for wearing the wrong pants, but then you saw it in the Old Testament
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your desire for further intellectual growth will be stunted when all of your questions about Aquaman are answered.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There's an old superstition that the Devil won't come for a person who has to finish the Lord's work, but that's no reason not to do your dishes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your career opportunities will become somewhat more limited when, for the third year in a row, you flunk out of the School Of Hard Knocks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although your enemies have taken back their "screw you" statement, you might want to make a point of being extra considerate to the horse you rode in on.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't worry about politics so much. From time to time, the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of idiots.

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