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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Unfortunately, the depressed economy and reduced demand for the service will force you to once again scale back the price of your mustache rides.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It turns out that there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be the latest victim of the five-year unrest between the lower-woodwind and string sections of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fail to inspire either fear or loyalty, in spite of the iron hand that you used in organizing the hayride.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The last members of your extended family will die of leprosy, putting a stop to the stream of interestingly stained hand-me-downs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You weren't aware that you could go to hell for wearing the wrong pants, but then you saw it in the Old Testament
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your desire for further intellectual growth will be stunted when all of your questions about Aquaman are answered.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There's an old superstition that the Devil won't come for a person who has to finish the Lord's work, but that's no reason not to do your dishes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your career opportunities will become somewhat more limited when, for the third year in a row, you flunk out of the School Of Hard Knocks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although your enemies have taken back their "screw you" statement, you might want to make a point of being extra considerate to the horse you rode in on.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't worry about politics so much. From time to time, the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of idiots.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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