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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 2003

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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of October 29, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Unfortunately, the depressed economy and reduced demand for the service will force you to once again scale back the price of your mustache rides.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It turns out that there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be the latest victim of the five-year unrest between the lower-woodwind and string sections of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fail to inspire either fear or loyalty, in spite of the iron hand that you used in organizing the hayride.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The last members of your extended family will die of leprosy, putting a stop to the stream of interestingly stained hand-me-downs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You weren't aware that you could go to hell for wearing the wrong pants, but then you saw it in the Old Testament
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your desire for further intellectual growth will be stunted when all of your questions about Aquaman are answered.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There's an old superstition that the Devil won't come for a person who has to finish the Lord's work, but that's no reason not to do your dishes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your career opportunities will become somewhat more limited when, for the third year in a row, you flunk out of the School Of Hard Knocks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although your enemies have taken back their "screw you" statement, you might want to make a point of being extra considerate to the horse you rode in on.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't worry about politics so much. From time to time, the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of idiots.

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