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Horoscope for the week of October 3, 2001

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Horoscope for the week of October 3, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will find yourself in a bizarre alternate universe where the sun is on the wrong side of the sky and everyone looks like they're sleepwalking when you get up before noon for the first time in your life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A strange mixture of worry and relief fills your heart when you are laid off from the manure-packing factory.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You used to think it would be cool to drive your own giant robot, but that's before you knew they were primarily used to weld bumpers onto trucks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If the guys make fun of you for walking around in lipstick, high heels, and a silk dress, just ignore them. After all, you're a woman.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You must stop living in the past. Any changes you make back then may alter the present irreparably.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Now more than ever, that peace sign you carry is going to get you shot at.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientific engineers are currently developing a range of high-tech tools to help America's doctors in their fight against your burning, itching foot fungus.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    These times of economic turmoil might not be good for everyone, but your personal mission is to find a way to physically surf the Dow Jones average.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though it's certainly admirable to want to stay informed, your worship of Peter Jennings is beginning to affect your ability to function in daily life.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be embarrassed to learn that there is an effective, less messy method known as "chemical" castration.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Someday you must learn not to run away from your problems. But not today, when your problems are all giant boars.

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