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Horoscope for the week of October 3, 2001

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Recent News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Horoscope for the week of October 3, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will find yourself in a bizarre alternate universe where the sun is on the wrong side of the sky and everyone looks like they're sleepwalking when you get up before noon for the first time in your life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A strange mixture of worry and relief fills your heart when you are laid off from the manure-packing factory.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You used to think it would be cool to drive your own giant robot, but that's before you knew they were primarily used to weld bumpers onto trucks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If the guys make fun of you for walking around in lipstick, high heels, and a silk dress, just ignore them. After all, you're a woman.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You must stop living in the past. Any changes you make back then may alter the present irreparably.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Now more than ever, that peace sign you carry is going to get you shot at.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientific engineers are currently developing a range of high-tech tools to help America's doctors in their fight against your burning, itching foot fungus.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    These times of economic turmoil might not be good for everyone, but your personal mission is to find a way to physically surf the Dow Jones average.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though it's certainly admirable to want to stay informed, your worship of Peter Jennings is beginning to affect your ability to function in daily life.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be embarrassed to learn that there is an effective, less messy method known as "chemical" castration.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Someday you must learn not to run away from your problems. But not today, when your problems are all giant boars.

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