Horoscope for the week of October 3, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 35

Area Man Uses WTC Attack As Excuse To Call Ex-Girlfriend

DAYTON, OH—Despite being deeply shaken by the tragedy, Dayton resident Dan Marchand used the World Trade Center attack as an excuse to phone ex-girlfriend Stacy Frankel last Saturday. "I know we haven't talked in a long time, but I just wanted to call to make sure you were okay," Marchand told Frankel, who lives in nearby Xenia. "You know, just with all the crazy stuff that's been going on around the country and all." Frankel told Marchand it was "good to hear [his] voice again" but was unresponsive to his suggestion that they get together for coffee.

Sales Of Chamomile Tea, Gas Masks Up Sharply

WASHINGTON, DC—According to the latest consumer-index figures from the Commerce Department, sales of chamomile tea and gas masks have shot up more than 50,000 percent in the past three weeks. "Far and away, these are the biggest movers," said Commerce Secretary Donald Evans, announcing the new figures Monday. "For whatever reason, these are the two consumer items generating the most interest right now." Also up sharply, Evans said, are sales of infrared night-vision goggles and aromatherapy oils.

Network Programming Dominated By Surreality TV

LOS ANGELES—A new "surreality TV" trend has been sweeping network programming in recent weeks, Daily Variety reported Monday. "Not content with such reality fare as Spy TV, Big Brother 2, and Fear Factor, the networks are taking it to the next level," Variety TV reporter James Leff said. "And it's paying off: Viewers have been glued to their televisions to watch such surreal shows as NBC Nightly News and Nightline, a recent episode of which discussed the possibility of the entire eastern seaboard being wiped out by germ warfare."

U.S. Urges Bin Laden To Form Nation It Can Attack

WASHINGTON, DC—Speaking via closed-circuit television from the Oval Office Monday, President Bush made a direct plea to Osama bin Laden to form a nation the U.S. can attack. "Whether you take over an existing nation like Afghanistan or create a new breakaway republic called, say, Osamastan, the important thing is that you establish an identifiable nation-state with an army, a capital, and clearly defined borders," Bush said. "Maybe you could also sign some quick treaties to definitively establish who your allies are." The president then pledged $600 million to bin Laden for the construction of a state-of-the-art defense headquarters that the U.S. can bomb.

Coca-Cola Introduces Coke Mandatory

ATLANTA—At a press conference Monday, the Coca-Cola company unveiled Coke Mandatory, a new version of its signature soft drink "as refreshing as it is obligatory."

I Insist You Borrow This Terrible Book And Tell Me How Much You Liked It

I know you love to read, and I think I have something you'll really, really dislike. I just finished this book called Dog Days, by J. Phillip Edward, and it changed my life. I've never read anything that so perfectly captures the shallow things I think and feel every day. You absolutely must borrow it.

Security Beefed Up At Cedar Rapids Public Library

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—In the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, the Cedar Rapids Public Library is undertaking steps to tighten security, library officials announced Monday.

A Shattered Nation Longs To Care About Stupid Bullshit Again

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Were this an ordinary Tuesday night, Wendy Vance would return home from her receptionist job at a Springfield chiropractor's office and spend the evening engaged in any number of empty, meaningless diversions: watching old, taped episodes of Friends, browsing the new issue of Cosmopolitan, or driving to Center Square Mall to browse for shoes.

Arming Our Pilots

The Airline Pilots Association recently proposed that pilots be allowed to carry handguns to defend their cockpits. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 3, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will find yourself in a bizarre alternate universe where the sun is on the wrong side of the sky and everyone looks like they're sleepwalking when you get up before noon for the first time in your life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    A strange mixture of worry and relief fills your heart when you are laid off from the manure-packing factory.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You used to think it would be cool to drive your own giant robot, but that's before you knew they were primarily used to weld bumpers onto trucks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    If the guys make fun of you for walking around in lipstick, high heels, and a silk dress, just ignore them. After all, you're a woman.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You must stop living in the past. Any changes you make back then may alter the present irreparably.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Now more than ever, that peace sign you carry is going to get you shot at.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Scientific engineers are currently developing a range of high-tech tools to help America's doctors in their fight against your burning, itching foot fungus.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    These times of economic turmoil might not be good for everyone, but your personal mission is to find a way to physically surf the Dow Jones average.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Though it's certainly admirable to want to stay informed, your worship of Peter Jennings is beginning to affect your ability to function in daily life.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be embarrassed to learn that there is an effective, less messy method known as "chemical" castration.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Someday you must learn not to run away from your problems. But not today, when your problems are all giant boars.
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