Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will find yourself in a bizarre alternate universe where the sun is on the wrong side of the sky and everyone looks like they're sleepwalking when you get up before noon for the first time in your life.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A strange mixture of worry and relief fills your heart when you are laid off from the manure-packing factory.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You used to think it would be cool to drive your own giant robot, but that's before you knew they were primarily used to weld bumpers onto trucks.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
If the guys make fun of you for walking around in lipstick, high heels, and a silk dress, just ignore them. After all, you're a woman.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You must stop living in the past. Any changes you make back then may alter the present irreparably.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Now more than ever, that peace sign you carry is going to get you shot at.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Scientific engineers are currently developing a range of high-tech tools to help America's doctors in their fight against your burning, itching foot fungus.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
These times of economic turmoil might not be good for everyone, but your personal mission is to find a way to physically surf the Dow Jones average.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Though it's certainly admirable to want to stay informed, your worship of Peter Jennings is beginning to affect your ability to function in daily life.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be embarrassed to learn that there is an effective, less messy method known as "chemical" castration.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Someday you must learn not to run away from your problems. But not today, when your problems are all giant boars.
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