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Horoscope for the week of October 3, 2001

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of October 3, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will find yourself in a bizarre alternate universe where the sun is on the wrong side of the sky and everyone looks like they're sleepwalking when you get up before noon for the first time in your life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A strange mixture of worry and relief fills your heart when you are laid off from the manure-packing factory.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You used to think it would be cool to drive your own giant robot, but that's before you knew they were primarily used to weld bumpers onto trucks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If the guys make fun of you for walking around in lipstick, high heels, and a silk dress, just ignore them. After all, you're a woman.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You must stop living in the past. Any changes you make back then may alter the present irreparably.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Now more than ever, that peace sign you carry is going to get you shot at.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientific engineers are currently developing a range of high-tech tools to help America's doctors in their fight against your burning, itching foot fungus.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    These times of economic turmoil might not be good for everyone, but your personal mission is to find a way to physically surf the Dow Jones average.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though it's certainly admirable to want to stay informed, your worship of Peter Jennings is beginning to affect your ability to function in daily life.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be embarrassed to learn that there is an effective, less messy method known as "chemical" castration.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Someday you must learn not to run away from your problems. But not today, when your problems are all giant boars.

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