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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Horoscope for the week of October 3, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will find yourself in a bizarre alternate universe where the sun is on the wrong side of the sky and everyone looks like they're sleepwalking when you get up before noon for the first time in your life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A strange mixture of worry and relief fills your heart when you are laid off from the manure-packing factory.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You used to think it would be cool to drive your own giant robot, but that's before you knew they were primarily used to weld bumpers onto trucks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If the guys make fun of you for walking around in lipstick, high heels, and a silk dress, just ignore them. After all, you're a woman.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You must stop living in the past. Any changes you make back then may alter the present irreparably.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Now more than ever, that peace sign you carry is going to get you shot at.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientific engineers are currently developing a range of high-tech tools to help America's doctors in their fight against your burning, itching foot fungus.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    These times of economic turmoil might not be good for everyone, but your personal mission is to find a way to physically surf the Dow Jones average.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though it's certainly admirable to want to stay informed, your worship of Peter Jennings is beginning to affect your ability to function in daily life.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be embarrassed to learn that there is an effective, less messy method known as "chemical" castration.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Someday you must learn not to run away from your problems. But not today, when your problems are all giant boars.

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