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Horoscope for the week of October 30, 2002

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of October 30, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Just so you know: A blood drive is not necessarily a success just because you've set records for the laundry bill.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always thought of your life as original, but it turns out to be identical to that of the daughter of a young couple from Leinster, Ireland, in the mid-1700s.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In spite of everything, you'll manage to stay on the good side of your wife, the trained-seal woman, the trombonist, and the Las Vegas Fire Department.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Change is ahead, but don't worry: A year from now you won't be able to remember a life outside of Army desert field hospital #740.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're getting the feeling that your underlings are doing all the work. Maybe you shouldn't have gone with Cheney.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After 36 hours of beatings fail to wrest a confession out of you, Interpol will just forge your signature.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scientists are slowly abandoning the idea of the infinite universe in favor of one that's merely big enough for your mother's fat ass.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be struck down by horror and anguish when you learn that the events chronicled in the song "Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" really happened.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've finally achieved the personal and financial independence that will allow you to fulfill your life's craziest dream: to dance naked on the Berlin Wall.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have no empathy or compassion, and are mystified by motivations other than raw personal ambition. Enjoy Harvard Business School.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will spend another week putting off the inevitable unpleasantness, but, come to think of it, that's life.

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