Horoscope for the week of October 30, 2002

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Horoscope for the week of October 30, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Just so you know: A blood drive is not necessarily a success just because you've set records for the laundry bill.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always thought of your life as original, but it turns out to be identical to that of the daughter of a young couple from Leinster, Ireland, in the mid-1700s.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In spite of everything, you'll manage to stay on the good side of your wife, the trained-seal woman, the trombonist, and the Las Vegas Fire Department.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Change is ahead, but don't worry: A year from now you won't be able to remember a life outside of Army desert field hospital #740.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're getting the feeling that your underlings are doing all the work. Maybe you shouldn't have gone with Cheney.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After 36 hours of beatings fail to wrest a confession out of you, Interpol will just forge your signature.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scientists are slowly abandoning the idea of the infinite universe in favor of one that's merely big enough for your mother's fat ass.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be struck down by horror and anguish when you learn that the events chronicled in the song "Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" really happened.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've finally achieved the personal and financial independence that will allow you to fulfill your life's craziest dream: to dance naked on the Berlin Wall.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have no empathy or compassion, and are mystified by motivations other than raw personal ambition. Enjoy Harvard Business School.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will spend another week putting off the inevitable unpleasantness, but, come to think of it, that's life.


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