Horoscope for the week of October 30, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 40

Championship - Ep. 8

In the final week of the season, Brad loses his confidence and it's up to Andrew Luck and Matt Forte to motivate their coach.

Playoffs - Ep. 7

Desperate to beat his arch-rival, Harris, Brad makes Alfred Morris feel like a part of the family before taking to the field to teach Andrew Luck how to throw a perfect spiral.

Plan 'L' Switched To

BEREA, KY—Plans A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and K having failed, David Zenger resorted to "Plan L" in his efforts to move an air conditioner from the garage to the house Tuesday. "Okay, here we go," Zenger said to himself. "If I wrap the air conditioner in bubble wrap and then balance it on a basketball, I can spin-roll it into the house." Previous failed attempts to move the air conditioner involved a pair of bungee cords, a bag of marbles, and a bottle of Crisco cooking oil.

Visible Panty Line Discussed Like It's Cancer

ABILENE, TX—During a trip to the mall Monday, Melissa Gilham and Tiffany Cornell discussed a fellow mall patron's visible panty line as if it were cancer. "Oh my God, look at that," a deeply shaken Gilham told Cornell outside Suncoast Video, where the panty line was first sighted. "Somebody really needs to sit her down and have a talk about that. Doesn't she have any friends?" Added Cornell: "Maybe we could chip in and buy her a thong." The pair's horror deepened when they faintly made out the panties' flower print through the woman's white pants.

Adam Sandler Fans Disappointed By Intelligent, Nuanced Performance

LOS ANGELES—Adam Sandler fans across the nation expressed deep disappointment in the new film Punch-Drunk Love, which features an intelligent, nuanced lead performance by the comedian. "He didn't even do his funny high-pitched 'retardo guy' voice," said college student Bradley Sanderson, 19, after seeing the critically lauded film Tuesday. "And what was with all that textured, multi-dimensional character-development shit?" Similarly let down was fan Bob Trotta: "I didn't pay $9 to see Adam Sandler wrestle with some psychological crisis. He could have at least put a trash-can lid on his head and gone, 'I'm Crazy Trash Head! Gimme some candy!' How hard would that have been?"

Headache-Relief Tips

Millions of Americans regularly suffer from headaches. Here are some tips to help prevent them and ease the pain:

I Gotta Drop A Few Pounds

Hola, amigos. It's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been workin' for a living, taking what they're giving, all that. Actually, to be honest, I ain't been working all that hard lately. As you well know, I left my bullshit coat-check job for greener pastures: sitting around on my ass and enjoying the finer things.

Would You Like To Give A Dollar To Prove You Don't Hate Crippled Kids?

Good afternoon, sir. Do you have a minute to discuss something of vital importance? I'm canvassing this neighborhood collecting donations for the Tersbury Group. We're an organization dedicated to helping mentally and physically handicapped children here in the community lead better lives. If you don't mind my being blunt, sir, may I ask whether you hate crippled kids? Wonderful, I'm so glad I was right about you. Now, would you be willing to donate a dollar to our organization to prove that you don't?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Horoscope for the week of October 30, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Just so you know: A blood drive is not necessarily a success just because you've set records for the laundry bill.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've always thought of your life as original, but it turns out to be identical to that of the daughter of a young couple from Leinster, Ireland, in the mid-1700s.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    In spite of everything, you'll manage to stay on the good side of your wife, the trained-seal woman, the trombonist, and the Las Vegas Fire Department.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Change is ahead, but don't worry: A year from now you won't be able to remember a life outside of Army desert field hospital #740.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You're getting the feeling that your underlings are doing all the work. Maybe you shouldn't have gone with Cheney.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    After 36 hours of beatings fail to wrest a confession out of you, Interpol will just forge your signature.
  • Libra

    Libra

    It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Scientists are slowly abandoning the idea of the infinite universe in favor of one that's merely big enough for your mother's fat ass.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will be struck down by horror and anguish when you learn that the events chronicled in the song "Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" really happened.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You've finally achieved the personal and financial independence that will allow you to fulfill your life's craziest dream: to dance naked on the Berlin Wall.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You have no empathy or compassion, and are mystified by motivations other than raw personal ambition. Enjoy Harvard Business School.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will spend another week putting off the inevitable unpleasantness, but, come to think of it, that's life.
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