Horoscope for the week of October 30, 2002

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Horoscope for the week of October 30, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Just so you know: A blood drive is not necessarily a success just because you've set records for the laundry bill.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always thought of your life as original, but it turns out to be identical to that of the daughter of a young couple from Leinster, Ireland, in the mid-1700s.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In spite of everything, you'll manage to stay on the good side of your wife, the trained-seal woman, the trombonist, and the Las Vegas Fire Department.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Change is ahead, but don't worry: A year from now you won't be able to remember a life outside of Army desert field hospital #740.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're getting the feeling that your underlings are doing all the work. Maybe you shouldn't have gone with Cheney.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After 36 hours of beatings fail to wrest a confession out of you, Interpol will just forge your signature.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scientists are slowly abandoning the idea of the infinite universe in favor of one that's merely big enough for your mother's fat ass.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be struck down by horror and anguish when you learn that the events chronicled in the song "Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" really happened.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've finally achieved the personal and financial independence that will allow you to fulfill your life's craziest dream: to dance naked on the Berlin Wall.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have no empathy or compassion, and are mystified by motivations other than raw personal ambition. Enjoy Harvard Business School.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will spend another week putting off the inevitable unpleasantness, but, come to think of it, that's life.
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