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Horoscope for the week of October 30, 2002

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Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of October 30, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Just so you know: A blood drive is not necessarily a success just because you've set records for the laundry bill.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always thought of your life as original, but it turns out to be identical to that of the daughter of a young couple from Leinster, Ireland, in the mid-1700s.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In spite of everything, you'll manage to stay on the good side of your wife, the trained-seal woman, the trombonist, and the Las Vegas Fire Department.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Change is ahead, but don't worry: A year from now you won't be able to remember a life outside of Army desert field hospital #740.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're getting the feeling that your underlings are doing all the work. Maybe you shouldn't have gone with Cheney.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After 36 hours of beatings fail to wrest a confession out of you, Interpol will just forge your signature.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scientists are slowly abandoning the idea of the infinite universe in favor of one that's merely big enough for your mother's fat ass.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be struck down by horror and anguish when you learn that the events chronicled in the song "Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" really happened.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've finally achieved the personal and financial independence that will allow you to fulfill your life's craziest dream: to dance naked on the Berlin Wall.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have no empathy or compassion, and are mystified by motivations other than raw personal ambition. Enjoy Harvard Business School.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will spend another week putting off the inevitable unpleasantness, but, come to think of it, that's life.

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