adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of October 31, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of October 31, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Reviews will claim you have "reinvented the coming-of-age story" and "singlehandedly raised the bar for first novels," but you don't recall doing anything.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though the theory behind your genetically enhanced egg-frying/toast-making humanoid is sound, it is an inelegant solution to a nonexistent problem.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After spending countless hours in career counseling in an effort to identify the color of your parachute, the damn thing will fail to open.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After weeks of pleading, the powers-that-be will grant your wish to be humanity's liaison to the fish, just to shut you up.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Urban legends allude to babysitters microwaving babies, but they leave out important stuff like cooking times.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The world is not ready for your way of thinking. Nor will it ever be while sensible men run the dental-supply industry.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Libras. Please report to the nearest Libra service center.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You aren't sure where you got the idea to start your own business as a catbather, but you have to admit it's pretty stupid.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will defy all conventional wisdom when you take a long leap without looking, but not without hesitating slightly first.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your wacky plan to choose stocks using a monkey with a dartboard backfires when the damn thing turns out to have an M.B.A. from Harvard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The moon is indeed rising in your sign, but no one can figure out what to do with it at the moment. Just enjoy the pretty moon for a while.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As long as people continue to ignore the lessons of history, there's always a chance that you will one day find love.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close