Horoscope for the week of October 31, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 39

Family Now Openly Wondering When Grandma Will Die

ATHENS, GA—After years of silent speculation, Trotter family members openly wondered Monday when ailing family matriarch Helen Trotter would die. "I'd say sometime in the next six months," Trotta's granddaughter Emily told her brother Zach after a visit to Valley View Nursing Home. "No way she'll hang on more than a year." Reports indicate that the Trotters hope the 88-year-old stays alive at least until after Christmas so it doesn't force a change of travel plans.

Parents Regret Letting Child Name Dog

MANKATO, MN—Bruce and Gail Kreuter expressed regret Monday over their decision to let their 8-year-old son Brian choose the name of the family's new cocker spaniel, Hitmontop. "He named the damn thing after his favorite Pokémon," Bruce said. "What's more, apparently, Hitmontop isn't even a dog Pokémon: It's some cartoon guy who kicks people." Gail said she should have seen this coming when Brian named his goldfish Garlic Junior.

School Principal Pauses For Applause That Never Comes

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—During a speech before Medford Middle School students Tuesday, principal Arthur Morehouse paused for applause that never came. "So let's all join together and show the kind of spirit that made Medford the most academically improved middle school in the entire Williamsport area!" said Morehouse, raising his hands. After three seconds of silence, Morehouse added, "Well, moving on," and proceeded to speak for 20 minutes on the importance of keeping the lunchroom clean.

Terrorism Storylines Being Added To TV Shows As Quickly As They Were Dropped

LOS ANGELES—Less than two months after frantically excising any allusions to terrorism, network executives are scrambling to add terror-related storylines to TV shows, sources reported Monday. "We're working around the clock to squeeze in a special episode where a Libyan with ties to Al Qaeda threatens to blow up the D.A.'s office," said Law & Order producer Dick Wolf, who on Sept. 15 scrapped an episode of the NBC drama in which a character utters the word "bomb." "We've got to stay on top of this thing." Next week, Spin City, which last month pulled an episode featuring a shot of the World Trade Center, will air a "very special" one-hour episode in which Mayor Winston is infected with anthrax.

Hang In There! You Live In The Richest Nation In The World!

Ever have "one of those days"? You know the kind: The boss is screaming, "I want it yesterday!," the kids have the flu, and your hair is sticking up on end like Don King's. Well, on those days, it's important to keep things in perspective. After all, you live in the richest, most powerful nation in the whole gosh-darn world!

This Marriage-Counseling Scam Is A Real Moneymaker

There's a sucker born every minute, and as a National Board For Certified Counselors-licensed marriage counselor, I know that better than anyone. For 22 years, I've bilked troubled couples out of their hard-earned cash by actually convincing them that their marital problems have a solution and that I can give it to them. Yep, this marriage-counseling scam is a real moneymaker!

Increasing NYC Tourism

New York has suffered a sharp decline in tourism since Sept. 11. What is the city doing to attract visitors?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 31, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Reviews will claim you have "reinvented the coming-of-age story" and "singlehandedly raised the bar for first novels," but you don't recall doing anything.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Though the theory behind your genetically enhanced egg-frying/toast-making humanoid is sound, it is an inelegant solution to a nonexistent problem.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    After spending countless hours in career counseling in an effort to identify the color of your parachute, the damn thing will fail to open.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    After weeks of pleading, the powers-that-be will grant your wish to be humanity's liaison to the fish, just to shut you up.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Urban legends allude to babysitters microwaving babies, but they leave out important stuff like cooking times.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The world is not ready for your way of thinking. Nor will it ever be while sensible men run the dental-supply industry.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Libras. Please report to the nearest Libra service center.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You aren't sure where you got the idea to start your own business as a catbather, but you have to admit it's pretty stupid.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will defy all conventional wisdom when you take a long leap without looking, but not without hesitating slightly first.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your wacky plan to choose stocks using a monkey with a dartboard backfires when the damn thing turns out to have an M.B.A. from Harvard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The moon is indeed rising in your sign, but no one can figure out what to do with it at the moment. Just enjoy the pretty moon for a while.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    As long as people continue to ignore the lessons of history, there's always a chance that you will one day find love.
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