adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of October 31, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Lawn and Garden

Horoscope for the week of October 31, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Reviews will claim you have "reinvented the coming-of-age story" and "singlehandedly raised the bar for first novels," but you don't recall doing anything.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though the theory behind your genetically enhanced egg-frying/toast-making humanoid is sound, it is an inelegant solution to a nonexistent problem.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After spending countless hours in career counseling in an effort to identify the color of your parachute, the damn thing will fail to open.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After weeks of pleading, the powers-that-be will grant your wish to be humanity's liaison to the fish, just to shut you up.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Urban legends allude to babysitters microwaving babies, but they leave out important stuff like cooking times.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The world is not ready for your way of thinking. Nor will it ever be while sensible men run the dental-supply industry.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Libras. Please report to the nearest Libra service center.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You aren't sure where you got the idea to start your own business as a catbather, but you have to admit it's pretty stupid.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will defy all conventional wisdom when you take a long leap without looking, but not without hesitating slightly first.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your wacky plan to choose stocks using a monkey with a dartboard backfires when the damn thing turns out to have an M.B.A. from Harvard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The moon is indeed rising in your sign, but no one can figure out what to do with it at the moment. Just enjoy the pretty moon for a while.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As long as people continue to ignore the lessons of history, there's always a chance that you will one day find love.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close