Horoscope for the week of October 31, 2001

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Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of October 31, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Reviews will claim you have "reinvented the coming-of-age story" and "singlehandedly raised the bar for first novels," but you don't recall doing anything.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though the theory behind your genetically enhanced egg-frying/toast-making humanoid is sound, it is an inelegant solution to a nonexistent problem.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After spending countless hours in career counseling in an effort to identify the color of your parachute, the damn thing will fail to open.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After weeks of pleading, the powers-that-be will grant your wish to be humanity's liaison to the fish, just to shut you up.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Urban legends allude to babysitters microwaving babies, but they leave out important stuff like cooking times.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The world is not ready for your way of thinking. Nor will it ever be while sensible men run the dental-supply industry.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Libras. Please report to the nearest Libra service center.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You aren't sure where you got the idea to start your own business as a catbather, but you have to admit it's pretty stupid.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will defy all conventional wisdom when you take a long leap without looking, but not without hesitating slightly first.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your wacky plan to choose stocks using a monkey with a dartboard backfires when the damn thing turns out to have an M.B.A. from Harvard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The moon is indeed rising in your sign, but no one can figure out what to do with it at the moment. Just enjoy the pretty moon for a while.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As long as people continue to ignore the lessons of history, there's always a chance that you will one day find love.