Aries | March 21 to April 19
Reviews will claim you have "reinvented the coming-of-age story" and "singlehandedly raised the bar for first novels," but you don't recall doing anything.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Though the theory behind your genetically enhanced egg-frying/toast-making humanoid is sound, it is an inelegant solution to a nonexistent problem.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After spending countless hours in career counseling in an effort to identify the color of your parachute, the damn thing will fail to open.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
After weeks of pleading, the powers-that-be will grant your wish to be humanity's liaison to the fish, just to shut you up.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Urban legends allude to babysitters microwaving babies, but they leave out important stuff like cooking times.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The world is not ready for your way of thinking. Nor will it ever be while sensible men run the dental-supply industry.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Libras. Please report to the nearest Libra service center.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You aren't sure where you got the idea to start your own business as a catbather, but you have to admit it's pretty stupid.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will defy all conventional wisdom when you take a long leap without looking, but not without hesitating slightly first.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your wacky plan to choose stocks using a monkey with a dartboard backfires when the damn thing turns out to have an M.B.A. from Harvard.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The moon is indeed rising in your sign, but no one can figure out what to do with it at the moment. Just enjoy the pretty moon for a while.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
As long as people continue to ignore the lessons of history, there's always a chance that you will one day find love.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION