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Horoscope for the week of October 31, 2001

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of October 31, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Reviews will claim you have "reinvented the coming-of-age story" and "singlehandedly raised the bar for first novels," but you don't recall doing anything.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though the theory behind your genetically enhanced egg-frying/toast-making humanoid is sound, it is an inelegant solution to a nonexistent problem.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After spending countless hours in career counseling in an effort to identify the color of your parachute, the damn thing will fail to open.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After weeks of pleading, the powers-that-be will grant your wish to be humanity's liaison to the fish, just to shut you up.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Urban legends allude to babysitters microwaving babies, but they leave out important stuff like cooking times.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The world is not ready for your way of thinking. Nor will it ever be while sensible men run the dental-supply industry.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Libras. Please report to the nearest Libra service center.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You aren't sure where you got the idea to start your own business as a catbather, but you have to admit it's pretty stupid.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will defy all conventional wisdom when you take a long leap without looking, but not without hesitating slightly first.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your wacky plan to choose stocks using a monkey with a dartboard backfires when the damn thing turns out to have an M.B.A. from Harvard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The moon is indeed rising in your sign, but no one can figure out what to do with it at the moment. Just enjoy the pretty moon for a while.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As long as people continue to ignore the lessons of history, there's always a chance that you will one day find love.

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