Horoscope for the week of October 4, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 35

Congolese Civil War Buff Fights In Civil War

BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO–Jean-Pierre Uyoya, a longtime Congolese Civil War enthusiast, was excited to enlist in the Congolese Liberation Movement army Monday. "I can't wait to participate in my first Civil War enactment," said Uyoya, polishing up his authentic 1999-era Uzi. "I've been a huge Congolese Civil War buff ever since it started in 1997." On Friday, Uyoya's army unit will march north for a historically accurate ambush of the Hutu-controlled village of Gemena.

Early-Morning Jogger Pities Everyone Still Sleeping

OCEANSIDE, CA–During her daily four-mile, 5 a.m. run, jogger Andrea Kallen expressed pity for all the people still in their soft, warm beds Tuesday. "I cannot understand how anyone would choose to be conked out during the most glorious time of the entire day," said Kallen, 25, straining up a hill as the sky turned from a dark cobalt blue to purple. "I feel so bad for all those poor people who are missing out on this just to get an extra four or five hours of sleep."

Eighth-Grader Drinks At Twelfth-Grade Level

CARLSBAD, NM–Joshua Halley, an eighth-grader at Millvale Middle School, consumes alcohol at a 12th-grade level, sources reported Monday. "This precocious youngster shows a drinking aptitude far beyond that of the average 13-year-old," Millvale principal Charles Meckler said. "Beer, wine, vodka, whiskey–Joshua can handle them all." Meckler said that upon high-school graduation, Halley can expect a full scholarship from his choice of the nation's top party schools.

Area Man Could Have Sworn Randy Newman Sang Welcome Back, Kotter Theme

SPRINGFIELD, MO–Television viewer Michael Grigg was stunned to learn Monday that Lovin' Spoonful frontman John Sebastian, not Randy Newman, composed and sang the Welcome Back, Kotter theme song. "Seriously? John Sebastian?" Grigg said upon being informed by friend Brian Richards while watching the popular '70s sitcom on Nick At Nite. "God, I would have bet money that it was Randy Newman. Especially with the piano and everything." Added an incredulous Grigg: "You have to admit, it sounds a lot more like 'Short People' than 'Do You Believe In Magic?'"

Fame Sexually Transmitted

LONDON–Guy Ritchie, Madonna's British boyfriend, has sexually contracted fame from the pop superstar, Ritchie's physician confirmed Monday. "It would appear that Mr. Ritchie, a previously obscure director with just two films to his credit, has become famous through sexual contact with Madonna," Dr. Ian Woolsey-Lodge said. "As a fame carrier himself, he now can be found on Entertainment Tonight and in People magazine, even when not with Madonna." Woolsey-Lodge said Ritchie forever runs the risk of any future offspring being born famous.

Bush Vows To Do 'That Thing Gore Just Said, Only Better'

BOSTON–Responding to debate opponent Al Gore's promise to pay off the national debt in 12 years by devoting $2 of projected surpluses toward debt reduction for every $1 used for tax cuts, George W. Bush vowed to do "that thing Gore just said, only better" during Tuesday's presidential debate. "Yeah, that debt thing," the Republican candidate said during his allotted 90-second rebuttal. "I'm going to do that, but, like, 10 times better." Bush added that, as president, he would "do all that stuff Gore said about education and the environment, but my version would work twice as good."

The Abortion Pill

Last week, the FDA approved the controversial French abortion pill RU-486, permitting non-surgical abortions in the U.S. for the first time and sparking protest from pro-life advocates. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of October 4, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will be saved from total personal collapse by quick-thinking friends who build you a makeshift set of flying buttresses.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your addiction to chocolate reaches new depths of depravity. At least, as much as that's possible for an "addiction" to what is, after all, merely a sweet confection.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be praised by fellow right-wing extremists when you successfully attack a clinic which performs birth-control operations on pets.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The nation will continue to ignore you despite your willingness to debate George W. Bush.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The events of next Saturday will cast doubts on the adage that a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your bad luck finding a decent man continues, primarily because you're such a goddamned fat-assed hog.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your dead grandmother shocks the nation by standing up in her grave and yelling, "Ouch!"--as she once predicted--when someone hits you really hard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will be embarrassed to find that what you thought was your own life is actually a rip-off of that of Thomas J. Walters (1921-1979) of Waltham, MA.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your attempt to "run with the big dogs" results in an array of bite wounds and a flaming case of rabies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will score a ton of free advertising when your prostitution bust is televised on the local community channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Sometimes the stars wonder what happened to Sandra. She always had the worst damn luck.
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