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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Horoscope for the week of October 4, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be saved from total personal collapse by quick-thinking friends who build you a makeshift set of flying buttresses.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your addiction to chocolate reaches new depths of depravity. At least, as much as that's possible for an "addiction" to what is, after all, merely a sweet confection.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be praised by fellow right-wing extremists when you successfully attack a clinic which performs birth-control operations on pets.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The nation will continue to ignore you despite your willingness to debate George W. Bush.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The events of next Saturday will cast doubts on the adage that a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your bad luck finding a decent man continues, primarily because you're such a goddamned fat-assed hog.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your dead grandmother shocks the nation by standing up in her grave and yelling, "Ouch!"--as she once predicted--when someone hits you really hard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be embarrassed to find that what you thought was your own life is actually a rip-off of that of Thomas J. Walters (1921-1979) of Waltham, MA.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your attempt to "run with the big dogs" results in an array of bite wounds and a flaming case of rabies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will score a ton of free advertising when your prostitution bust is televised on the local community channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sometimes the stars wonder what happened to Sandra. She always had the worst damn luck.
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