Horoscope for the week of October 4, 2000

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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of October 4, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be saved from total personal collapse by quick-thinking friends who build you a makeshift set of flying buttresses.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your addiction to chocolate reaches new depths of depravity. At least, as much as that's possible for an "addiction" to what is, after all, merely a sweet confection.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be praised by fellow right-wing extremists when you successfully attack a clinic which performs birth-control operations on pets.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The nation will continue to ignore you despite your willingness to debate George W. Bush.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The events of next Saturday will cast doubts on the adage that a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your bad luck finding a decent man continues, primarily because you're such a goddamned fat-assed hog.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your dead grandmother shocks the nation by standing up in her grave and yelling, "Ouch!"--as she once predicted--when someone hits you really hard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be embarrassed to find that what you thought was your own life is actually a rip-off of that of Thomas J. Walters (1921-1979) of Waltham, MA.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your attempt to "run with the big dogs" results in an array of bite wounds and a flaming case of rabies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will score a ton of free advertising when your prostitution bust is televised on the local community channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sometimes the stars wonder what happened to Sandra. She always had the worst damn luck.