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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Horoscope for the week of October 4, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be saved from total personal collapse by quick-thinking friends who build you a makeshift set of flying buttresses.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your addiction to chocolate reaches new depths of depravity. At least, as much as that's possible for an "addiction" to what is, after all, merely a sweet confection.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be praised by fellow right-wing extremists when you successfully attack a clinic which performs birth-control operations on pets.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The nation will continue to ignore you despite your willingness to debate George W. Bush.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The events of next Saturday will cast doubts on the adage that a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your bad luck finding a decent man continues, primarily because you're such a goddamned fat-assed hog.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your dead grandmother shocks the nation by standing up in her grave and yelling, "Ouch!"--as she once predicted--when someone hits you really hard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be embarrassed to find that what you thought was your own life is actually a rip-off of that of Thomas J. Walters (1921-1979) of Waltham, MA.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your attempt to "run with the big dogs" results in an array of bite wounds and a flaming case of rabies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will score a ton of free advertising when your prostitution bust is televised on the local community channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sometimes the stars wonder what happened to Sandra. She always had the worst damn luck.
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