Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will be saved from total personal collapse by quick-thinking friends who build you a makeshift set of flying buttresses.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your addiction to chocolate reaches new depths of depravity. At least, as much as that's possible for an "addiction" to what is, after all, merely a sweet confection.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be praised by fellow right-wing extremists when you successfully attack a clinic which performs birth-control operations on pets.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The nation will continue to ignore you despite your willingness to debate George W. Bush.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The events of next Saturday will cast doubts on the adage that a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your bad luck finding a decent man continues, primarily because you're such a goddamned fat-assed hog.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your dead grandmother shocks the nation by standing up in her grave and yelling, "Ouch!"--as she once predicted--when someone hits you really hard.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be embarrassed to find that what you thought was your own life is actually a rip-off of that of Thomas J. Walters (1921-1979) of Waltham, MA.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your attempt to "run with the big dogs" results in an array of bite wounds and a flaming case of rabies.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will score a ton of free advertising when your prostitution bust is televised on the local community channel.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Sometimes the stars wonder what happened to Sandra. She always had the worst damn luck.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION