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Horoscope for the week of October 4, 2000

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Horoscope for the week of October 4, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be saved from total personal collapse by quick-thinking friends who build you a makeshift set of flying buttresses.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your addiction to chocolate reaches new depths of depravity. At least, as much as that's possible for an "addiction" to what is, after all, merely a sweet confection.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be praised by fellow right-wing extremists when you successfully attack a clinic which performs birth-control operations on pets.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The nation will continue to ignore you despite your willingness to debate George W. Bush.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The events of next Saturday will cast doubts on the adage that a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your bad luck finding a decent man continues, primarily because you're such a goddamned fat-assed hog.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your dead grandmother shocks the nation by standing up in her grave and yelling, "Ouch!"--as she once predicted--when someone hits you really hard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be embarrassed to find that what you thought was your own life is actually a rip-off of that of Thomas J. Walters (1921-1979) of Waltham, MA.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your attempt to "run with the big dogs" results in an array of bite wounds and a flaming case of rabies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will score a ton of free advertising when your prostitution bust is televised on the local community channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sometimes the stars wonder what happened to Sandra. She always had the worst damn luck.

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