adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of October 6, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try to exercise a little diplomacy this week, as you are the U.S. ambassador to Namibia.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You don't understand the saying, "as serious as a heart attack," because all the ones you've seen have been hilarious.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars say this will be a very good week for you creatively. That is, until your back is turned—you should hear what they say then.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't follow people blindly into decisions. However, blindly following them into intersections would be interesting.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You find yourself incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, making it much easier for you to watch TV.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You know darn well what's going to happen this week. You're going to clean that garage like you promised Virgo you would two weeks ago.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will see something this week that really makes you think. It's just an unusual-looking rock, but it's a start.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has no feet. Then you will run away screaming and vomiting uncontrollably.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The events of this week will teach you that people change. The events of next week will teach you that they sometimes change into evil, flesh-eating zombies.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's a big, beautiful world out there. Don't go out there for even a second.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will use enough morphine this week to kill a team of oxen. Not that it's any of the stars' business or anything, but that's a pretty weird way to kill oxen.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Earth rising in your sign this week means romance, travel and that you're somehow standing on the surface of another planet.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close