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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of October 6, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try to exercise a little diplomacy this week, as you are the U.S. ambassador to Namibia.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You don't understand the saying, "as serious as a heart attack," because all the ones you've seen have been hilarious.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars say this will be a very good week for you creatively. That is, until your back is turned—you should hear what they say then.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't follow people blindly into decisions. However, blindly following them into intersections would be interesting.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You find yourself incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, making it much easier for you to watch TV.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You know darn well what's going to happen this week. You're going to clean that garage like you promised Virgo you would two weeks ago.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will see something this week that really makes you think. It's just an unusual-looking rock, but it's a start.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has no feet. Then you will run away screaming and vomiting uncontrollably.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The events of this week will teach you that people change. The events of next week will teach you that they sometimes change into evil, flesh-eating zombies.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's a big, beautiful world out there. Don't go out there for even a second.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will use enough morphine this week to kill a team of oxen. Not that it's any of the stars' business or anything, but that's a pretty weird way to kill oxen.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Earth rising in your sign this week means romance, travel and that you're somehow standing on the surface of another planet.
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