Horoscope for the week of October 6, 1999

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of October 6, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try to exercise a little diplomacy this week, as you are the U.S. ambassador to Namibia.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You don't understand the saying, "as serious as a heart attack," because all the ones you've seen have been hilarious.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars say this will be a very good week for you creatively. That is, until your back is turned—you should hear what they say then.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't follow people blindly into decisions. However, blindly following them into intersections would be interesting.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You find yourself incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, making it much easier for you to watch TV.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You know darn well what's going to happen this week. You're going to clean that garage like you promised Virgo you would two weeks ago.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will see something this week that really makes you think. It's just an unusual-looking rock, but it's a start.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has no feet. Then you will run away screaming and vomiting uncontrollably.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The events of this week will teach you that people change. The events of next week will teach you that they sometimes change into evil, flesh-eating zombies.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's a big, beautiful world out there. Don't go out there for even a second.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will use enough morphine this week to kill a team of oxen. Not that it's any of the stars' business or anything, but that's a pretty weird way to kill oxen.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Earth rising in your sign this week means romance, travel and that you're somehow standing on the surface of another planet.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close