Aries | March 21 to April 19
Try to exercise a little diplomacy this week, as you are the U.S. ambassador to Namibia.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You don't understand the saying, "as serious as a heart attack," because all the ones you've seen have been hilarious.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars say this will be a very good week for you creatively. That is, until your back is turned—you should hear what they say then.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Don't follow people blindly into decisions. However, blindly following them into intersections would be interesting.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You find yourself incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, making it much easier for you to watch TV.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You know darn well what's going to happen this week. You're going to clean that garage like you promised Virgo you would two weeks ago.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will see something this week that really makes you think. It's just an unusual-looking rock, but it's a start.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has no feet. Then you will run away screaming and vomiting uncontrollably.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The events of this week will teach you that people change. The events of next week will teach you that they sometimes change into evil, flesh-eating zombies.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It's a big, beautiful world out there. Don't go out there for even a second.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will use enough morphine this week to kill a team of oxen. Not that it's any of the stars' business or anything, but that's a pretty weird way to kill oxen.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The Earth rising in your sign this week means romance, travel and that you're somehow standing on the surface of another planet.
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