Horoscope for the week of October 6, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 36

Area Bar Used To Be Cool; Now Lame

EAST LANSING, MI—Michigan State University seniors reported Tuesday that Sparty's Tavern, once the coolest bar in East Lansing, has deteriorated into a state of total lameness. "Man, I remember my first year here, Sparty's was the place to go Friday nights," said communications major Chad Resnick. "Now it's all full of freshmen and stuff." Psychology major Caryn Trimble agreed, adding, "They used to have $2 pitchers on Wednesdays. And the jukebox used to have the coolest music, like Bob Marley and Dave Matthews. Now it's all just Top 40 shit."

Local Man Casually Mentions Upcoming Birthday

DURANGO, CO—Awareness of Donald Shrifkin's upcoming birthday was raised among his co-workers Monday, when the soon-to-be 38-year-old casually mentioned the special day during a departmental meeting. "Yeah, so, I'm gonna be out of the office on Friday, because it's my birthday, and I'm taking the day off to make a three-day weekend out of it," Shrifkin told a group of fellow sales representatives. None of Shrifkin's co-workers said they intend to mark the occasion in any manner whatsoever.

CNN To Get All Information From In-House Channel 'CNN-CNN'

ATLANTA—In a telejournalism first, CNN announced Monday that from now on, all of its information will come from its own 24-hour, closed-circuit news channel, "CNN-CNN." "The old method of gathering news, in which information was culled from the Associated Press, Reuters, our own reporters and the other 24-hour news channels, was inefficient and needlessly complicated," CNN owner Ted Turner said. "Now, we have a single, consolidated, in-house news source to which CNN can turn exclusively." If the venture is successful, an airport version of CNN-CNN, CNN-CNN-Airport News, will be launched for traveling CNN reporters.

Rookie Cop Laying On The Jargon A Little Thick

CHICAGO—Four days after joining the Chicago Police Department, Officer Patrick Finley of the 18th Precinct is laying on the jargon a little thick, it was reported Monday. "Yesterday, he got on the radio and called for a 'black-and-white' instead of a 'squad car,'" said Ray Podriewski, Finley's partner. "Not only is 'black and white' movie jargon dating back to the 1940s, but our cars are blue and white, for God's sake. Then, as if that weren't bad enough, he calls the handcuffs 'bracelets.'" Podriewski said Finley later added insult to injury when he referred to the police as "the fuzz." "First of all," Podriewski said, "that's what criminals supposedly call the police. Second of all, even they don't really say it.

Cher's 'Believe' Now Faintly Audible Everywhere In America

GREAT SALT LAKE DESERT, UT—Building upon its presence in every health club, supermarket, bank, clothing store and waiting room in the U.S., Cher's "Believe" was heard Monday by bauxite miners working 1.4 miles beneath the Earth's surface in a remote section of the Great Salt Lake Desert, confirming suspicions that the hit dance track is at least faintly audible everywhere in the nation. "My miners said they heard a throbbing synthesizer sound, accompanied by some sort of painful, piercing wail, coming through the granite walls at the bottom of the shaft," said Wilson Mining Works foreman George Connerly. "So we turned off the turbine-powered pressure drills to get a better listen, and, sure enough, it was that Cher song." The ubiquitous "Believe" was also recently heard at the peak of Alaska's Mt. McKinley, in the farthest reaches of Kentucky's Mammoth Cave, and in the middle of a swamp deep within the Florida Everglades.

Reform Party Follies

Among the names being thrown around as potential Reform Party presidential candidates for 2000 are Jesse Ventura, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump, Cybill Shepherd, Ross Perot and Warren Beatty. What do you think about this wildly diverse assortment of Reform Party presidential hopefuls?
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Horoscope for the week of October 6, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    Try to exercise a little diplomacy this week, as you are the U.S. ambassador to Namibia.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You don't understand the saying, "as serious as a heart attack," because all the ones you've seen have been hilarious.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The stars say this will be a very good week for you creatively. That is, until your back is turned—you should hear what they say then.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Don't follow people blindly into decisions. However, blindly following them into intersections would be interesting.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You find yourself incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, making it much easier for you to watch TV.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You know darn well what's going to happen this week. You're going to clean that garage like you promised Virgo you would two weeks ago.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will see something this week that really makes you think. It's just an unusual-looking rock, but it's a start.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has no feet. Then you will run away screaming and vomiting uncontrollably.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The events of this week will teach you that people change. The events of next week will teach you that they sometimes change into evil, flesh-eating zombies.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It's a big, beautiful world out there. Don't go out there for even a second.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will use enough morphine this week to kill a team of oxen. Not that it's any of the stars' business or anything, but that's a pretty weird way to kill oxen.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The Earth rising in your sign this week means romance, travel and that you're somehow standing on the surface of another planet.
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