adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of October 6, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of October 6, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll use your love of business books and your knowledge of science to write Sales Success Secrets Of The Strong And Weak Subatomic Forces.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll show that you are capable of amazing acts of self-sacrifice in order to win the favor of the dread demon-beast Ktzaal.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There's no closer bond than that of a man and his dog, especially if their mutual freedom means protecting each other during the D.A.'s cross-examination.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Stealing the opposing team's mascot is a time-honored tradition, but it turns out the Muslims think of that big black rock as more than just a mascot.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be integral to a process that will win your funeral director an award for unique approaches to challenging problems.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Most supercolliders are used to study subatomic particles, but the one at the University of Texas has you and a folding chair in mind.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will descend into the bowels of the earth to battle the roaring monsters that inhabit its mysterious tunnels, and you will be slain by one 16 cars long.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The other librarians will alternately praise your audacity and criticize your recklessness after you redesign the Dewey Decimal System on a drunken dare.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Satellite photos will reveal that the so-called "inland tidal wave" was caused by your fat ass cannonballing into Lake Mead.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be both deeply hurt and substantially enriched when you receive the MacArthur Foundation's first-ever $50,000 Dipshit Grant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It looked for a second like the amorous gorilla was going to have sex with you, but apparently, gorilla suits don't work that way.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that train robbery, although exciting and challenging, just gets you a bunch of cows these days.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close