Horoscope for the week of October 6, 2004

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of October 6, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll use your love of business books and your knowledge of science to write Sales Success Secrets Of The Strong And Weak Subatomic Forces.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll show that you are capable of amazing acts of self-sacrifice in order to win the favor of the dread demon-beast Ktzaal.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There's no closer bond than that of a man and his dog, especially if their mutual freedom means protecting each other during the D.A.'s cross-examination.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Stealing the opposing team's mascot is a time-honored tradition, but it turns out the Muslims think of that big black rock as more than just a mascot.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be integral to a process that will win your funeral director an award for unique approaches to challenging problems.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Most supercolliders are used to study subatomic particles, but the one at the University of Texas has you and a folding chair in mind.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will descend into the bowels of the earth to battle the roaring monsters that inhabit its mysterious tunnels, and you will be slain by one 16 cars long.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The other librarians will alternately praise your audacity and criticize your recklessness after you redesign the Dewey Decimal System on a drunken dare.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Satellite photos will reveal that the so-called "inland tidal wave" was caused by your fat ass cannonballing into Lake Mead.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be both deeply hurt and substantially enriched when you receive the MacArthur Foundation's first-ever $50,000 Dipshit Grant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It looked for a second like the amorous gorilla was going to have sex with you, but apparently, gorilla suits don't work that way.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that train robbery, although exciting and challenging, just gets you a bunch of cows these days.