Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll use your love of business books and your knowledge of science to write Sales Success Secrets Of The Strong And Weak Subatomic Forces.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll show that you are capable of amazing acts of self-sacrifice in order to win the favor of the dread demon-beast Ktzaal.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
There's no closer bond than that of a man and his dog, especially if their mutual freedom means protecting each other during the D.A.'s cross-examination.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Stealing the opposing team's mascot is a time-honored tradition, but it turns out the Muslims think of that big black rock as more than just a mascot.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll be integral to a process that will win your funeral director an award for unique approaches to challenging problems.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Most supercolliders are used to study subatomic particles, but the one at the University of Texas has you and a folding chair in mind.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will descend into the bowels of the earth to battle the roaring monsters that inhabit its mysterious tunnels, and you will be slain by one 16 cars long.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The other librarians will alternately praise your audacity and criticize your recklessness after you redesign the Dewey Decimal System on a drunken dare.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Satellite photos will reveal that the so-called "inland tidal wave" was caused by your fat ass cannonballing into Lake Mead.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll be both deeply hurt and substantially enriched when you receive the MacArthur Foundation's first-ever $50,000 Dipshit Grant.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It looked for a second like the amorous gorilla was going to have sex with you, but apparently, gorilla suits don't work that way.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It turns out that train robbery, although exciting and challenging, just gets you a bunch of cows these days.
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