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Horoscope for the week of October 6, 2004

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Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.
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Horoscope for the week of October 6, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll use your love of business books and your knowledge of science to write Sales Success Secrets Of The Strong And Weak Subatomic Forces.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll show that you are capable of amazing acts of self-sacrifice in order to win the favor of the dread demon-beast Ktzaal.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There's no closer bond than that of a man and his dog, especially if their mutual freedom means protecting each other during the D.A.'s cross-examination.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Stealing the opposing team's mascot is a time-honored tradition, but it turns out the Muslims think of that big black rock as more than just a mascot.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be integral to a process that will win your funeral director an award for unique approaches to challenging problems.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Most supercolliders are used to study subatomic particles, but the one at the University of Texas has you and a folding chair in mind.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will descend into the bowels of the earth to battle the roaring monsters that inhabit its mysterious tunnels, and you will be slain by one 16 cars long.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The other librarians will alternately praise your audacity and criticize your recklessness after you redesign the Dewey Decimal System on a drunken dare.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Satellite photos will reveal that the so-called "inland tidal wave" was caused by your fat ass cannonballing into Lake Mead.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be both deeply hurt and substantially enriched when you receive the MacArthur Foundation's first-ever $50,000 Dipshit Grant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It looked for a second like the amorous gorilla was going to have sex with you, but apparently, gorilla suits don't work that way.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that train robbery, although exciting and challenging, just gets you a bunch of cows these days.

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