adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of October 6, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll use your love of business books and your knowledge of science to write Sales Success Secrets Of The Strong And Weak Subatomic Forces.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll show that you are capable of amazing acts of self-sacrifice in order to win the favor of the dread demon-beast Ktzaal.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There's no closer bond than that of a man and his dog, especially if their mutual freedom means protecting each other during the D.A.'s cross-examination.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Stealing the opposing team's mascot is a time-honored tradition, but it turns out the Muslims think of that big black rock as more than just a mascot.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be integral to a process that will win your funeral director an award for unique approaches to challenging problems.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Most supercolliders are used to study subatomic particles, but the one at the University of Texas has you and a folding chair in mind.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will descend into the bowels of the earth to battle the roaring monsters that inhabit its mysterious tunnels, and you will be slain by one 16 cars long.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The other librarians will alternately praise your audacity and criticize your recklessness after you redesign the Dewey Decimal System on a drunken dare.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Satellite photos will reveal that the so-called "inland tidal wave" was caused by your fat ass cannonballing into Lake Mead.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be both deeply hurt and substantially enriched when you receive the MacArthur Foundation's first-ever $50,000 Dipshit Grant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It looked for a second like the amorous gorilla was going to have sex with you, but apparently, gorilla suits don't work that way.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that train robbery, although exciting and challenging, just gets you a bunch of cows these days.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close