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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will learn to stop hating people on the basis of skin color when a righteously angry black man plucks your eyes from your head and feeds them to you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be sent on a thrill-packed adventure this week when a wounded, bedraggled Jesus Christ appears at your door and enlists your help in finding the bastards who killed him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Another Gemini desperately needs your financial help. Please order 10 Pure Moods CDs immediately.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This is a good time for you to begin long-term projects. It will soon be winter, and you have no food, warm clothing, or comfortable shelter.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Lay down the law with people who habitually take advantage of you. Don’t allow them to stay at your house, borrow money, or have sex with you until they stop their exploitative ways.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You become renowned in international art circles this week when devious sculpture forgers sneak into your house, pour bronze over your sleeping form, and sell you to a collector as a long-lost Rodin.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People in positions of power are lying to you: It is perfectly safe to operate power tools in water.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will win almost $25 million in the lottery this week. It will make little difference in your life, however, as you are Prince Rainier of Monaco.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will win a landmark Supreme Court case this week when Mistress Mayhem is found guilty of giving you a substandard spanking.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sun magic is strong in your sign this week. Stare into the sun for an hour to receive portentous visions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You realize a lifelong dream this week when you finally get that annoying guy with the glasses fired from your local sandwich shop.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A handsome Scorpio will soon appear at your door, sell you a set of encyclopedias, and disappear forever.

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