Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1997

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Vol 32 Issue 10

Huzzah For The Glorious Pig-Skin!

Recently the National Foot-Balling League, a fledgling commercial venture, approached me with the possibility of investing in one of their new professional teams. I went one step further and proclaimed that I would form a foot-ball club of my very own, the Onion Linotypists, with myself as coach! I played defensive full-backer when I attended beloved old Cadwalader Preparatory Academy, and I grew misty-eyed at the chance of seeing wanton blood-baths upon the grid-iron once again. Plus, it would give me great satisfaction to see those wretched Pottsville Maroons go down in defeat. Curse them and the Canton Bull-Dogs as well!

Gene Wilder To Make Horrible, Horrible Movie

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Actor Gene Wilder unveiled plans Monday to star in Wrong Way, a horrible, horrible new film. "My new film will be unbelievably bad," Wilder said, "and I will be tremendously irritating throughout it." Wilder assured reporters that Wrong Way, in which he plays a mute driving instructor, will be far inferior to Another You and See No Evil, Hear No Evil. Rumors are already flying about a possible comedy starring Wilder and Richard Pryor that will be just sad.

Huge Lottery Jackpot Tempting All But The Most Rational

MINNEAPOLIS—With the Minnesota Lottery's Oct. 25 "SuperBucks" jackpot fast approaching $140 million, all but the most rational Minnesotans are scrambling to purchase tickets. "Who could resist such an unbelievable jackpot, except, of course, smart people who understand mathematics?" lottery director Gus Shriner said. "I mean, we're talking $140 million. You'd have to be marginally educated to walk away from a $1 chance at that."

Deputy Attorney General's Wife Cracks Down On Pornography

BETHESDA, MD—In a bedroom press conference Monday, Judith Rubino, wife of U.S. Deputy Attorney General Richard Rubino, announced a hard-line, "get-tough" stance against pornography in the Rubino household. "I don't want those tapes in the house," Rubino told her husband. "What am I supposed to tell our grandchildren when they come over?" Among the pornographic films Rubino cited as unacceptable for use by the Deputy Attorney General: Forrest Hump, Backside To The Future, and Sex Trek: First Cuntact. Mr. Rubino said he may invoke the "please" clause in an effort to keep the tapes in the Rubino home.

Vocalist Leaves Journey Tribute Band Over Creative Differences

HARRISBURG, PA—After six years as lead vocalist for the Harrisburg-area Journey tribute band Wheel In The Sky, Rick Balaban announced Monday that he is leaving the group over creative differences. "We just reached a point where we had very different ideas about where this band is heading," Balaban said. "While the other guys wanted to go in a more power-ballad, ‘Open Arms,' ‘Send Her My Love'-oriented direction, I felt that we should be focusing on rocking out more in a ‘Separate Ways' fashion." Balaban said he plans to embark on a solo career, starting a Journey-lead-vocalist tribute act called "Steve Perry." The most likely replacement for Balaban in Wheel In The Sky is Jim "Kerr" Bulone, currently lead singer of Glittering Prize, a Detroit-area Simple Minds tribute band.

It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

The other day Judy the wife was yapping that I never do anything with her, so I agreed to go to the big tasting party she was having for the French cooking course she's taking. I figured at least I could get some grub out of the deal.

Internal Revenue Disservice

The IRS has come under fire recently for allegedly secretly encouraging its agents to target and harass those who make under $20,000. What do you think?

Today's Young People Are Not Appropriately Terrified Of Sex

What has become of the young people of today, that they no longer cower in mortal terror at the very mention of sex? Instead of trembling alone at night in their rooms, paralyzed by the soul-shaking thought of one day having intimate relations with a member of the opposite gender, they confidently parade about the shopping malls in their sleeveless shirts and short pants, caressing one another's hands in plain view of other JCPenney's patrons.

Jocko's Headed For Hollywood!

Item! Australian macho man and superstar television pitchman Jocko has been making the rounds looking for the appropriate vehicle for his leap onto the big screen. He's read a million scripts, but he's turned them all down. The reason? He still hasn't found one that will break him out of the tough-guy typecast. Apparently, after years of winning rave reviews as the muscle-headed brute in the Energizer commercials, he wants a chance to show his fans his sensitive side. Perhaps he'll consider my screenplay-in-progress, which is loosely based on the life of a certain unnamed Hollywood columnist who is jilted at the altar by his bride-to-be, leaving him to reflect upon his life. Sounds pretty good, eh, Jocko? Oi!

Christ Demands More Money

JERUSALEM—Dissatisfied with dwindling receipts in recent years, redeemer of humanity Jesus Christ issued a rare public statement Monday, sharply criticizing His followers' lack of generosity and demanding a marked increase in their contributions to the long-standing religion based upon belief in Him.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will learn to stop hating people on the basis of skin color when a righteously angry black man plucks your eyes from your head and feeds them to you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be sent on a thrill-packed adventure this week when a wounded, bedraggled Jesus Christ appears at your door and enlists your help in finding the bastards who killed him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Another Gemini desperately needs your financial help. Please order 10 Pure Moods CDs immediately.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    This is a good time for you to begin long-term projects. It will soon be winter, and you have no food, warm clothing, or comfortable shelter.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Lay down the law with people who habitually take advantage of you. Don’t allow them to stay at your house, borrow money, or have sex with you until they stop their exploitative ways.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You become renowned in international art circles this week when devious sculpture forgers sneak into your house, pour bronze over your sleeping form, and sell you to a collector as a long-lost Rodin.
  • Libra

    Libra

    People in positions of power are lying to you: It is perfectly safe to operate power tools in water.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will win almost $25 million in the lottery this week. It will make little difference in your life, however, as you are Prince Rainier of Monaco.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will win a landmark Supreme Court case this week when Mistress Mayhem is found guilty of giving you a substandard spanking.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Sun magic is strong in your sign this week. Stare into the sun for an hour to receive portentous visions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You realize a lifelong dream this week when you finally get that annoying guy with the glasses fired from your local sandwich shop.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    A handsome Scorpio will soon appear at your door, sell you a set of encyclopedias, and disappear forever.
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