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Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1997

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

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God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will learn to stop hating people on the basis of skin color when a righteously angry black man plucks your eyes from your head and feeds them to you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be sent on a thrill-packed adventure this week when a wounded, bedraggled Jesus Christ appears at your door and enlists your help in finding the bastards who killed him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Another Gemini desperately needs your financial help. Please order 10 Pure Moods CDs immediately.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This is a good time for you to begin long-term projects. It will soon be winter, and you have no food, warm clothing, or comfortable shelter.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Lay down the law with people who habitually take advantage of you. Don’t allow them to stay at your house, borrow money, or have sex with you until they stop their exploitative ways.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You become renowned in international art circles this week when devious sculpture forgers sneak into your house, pour bronze over your sleeping form, and sell you to a collector as a long-lost Rodin.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People in positions of power are lying to you: It is perfectly safe to operate power tools in water.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will win almost $25 million in the lottery this week. It will make little difference in your life, however, as you are Prince Rainier of Monaco.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will win a landmark Supreme Court case this week when Mistress Mayhem is found guilty of giving you a substandard spanking.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sun magic is strong in your sign this week. Stare into the sun for an hour to receive portentous visions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You realize a lifelong dream this week when you finally get that annoying guy with the glasses fired from your local sandwich shop.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A handsome Scorpio will soon appear at your door, sell you a set of encyclopedias, and disappear forever.

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