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Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1997

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will learn to stop hating people on the basis of skin color when a righteously angry black man plucks your eyes from your head and feeds them to you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be sent on a thrill-packed adventure this week when a wounded, bedraggled Jesus Christ appears at your door and enlists your help in finding the bastards who killed him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Another Gemini desperately needs your financial help. Please order 10 Pure Moods CDs immediately.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This is a good time for you to begin long-term projects. It will soon be winter, and you have no food, warm clothing, or comfortable shelter.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Lay down the law with people who habitually take advantage of you. Don’t allow them to stay at your house, borrow money, or have sex with you until they stop their exploitative ways.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You become renowned in international art circles this week when devious sculpture forgers sneak into your house, pour bronze over your sleeping form, and sell you to a collector as a long-lost Rodin.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People in positions of power are lying to you: It is perfectly safe to operate power tools in water.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will win almost $25 million in the lottery this week. It will make little difference in your life, however, as you are Prince Rainier of Monaco.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will win a landmark Supreme Court case this week when Mistress Mayhem is found guilty of giving you a substandard spanking.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sun magic is strong in your sign this week. Stare into the sun for an hour to receive portentous visions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You realize a lifelong dream this week when you finally get that annoying guy with the glasses fired from your local sandwich shop.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A handsome Scorpio will soon appear at your door, sell you a set of encyclopedias, and disappear forever.

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