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Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1997

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will learn to stop hating people on the basis of skin color when a righteously angry black man plucks your eyes from your head and feeds them to you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be sent on a thrill-packed adventure this week when a wounded, bedraggled Jesus Christ appears at your door and enlists your help in finding the bastards who killed him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Another Gemini desperately needs your financial help. Please order 10 Pure Moods CDs immediately.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This is a good time for you to begin long-term projects. It will soon be winter, and you have no food, warm clothing, or comfortable shelter.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Lay down the law with people who habitually take advantage of you. Don’t allow them to stay at your house, borrow money, or have sex with you until they stop their exploitative ways.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You become renowned in international art circles this week when devious sculpture forgers sneak into your house, pour bronze over your sleeping form, and sell you to a collector as a long-lost Rodin.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People in positions of power are lying to you: It is perfectly safe to operate power tools in water.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will win almost $25 million in the lottery this week. It will make little difference in your life, however, as you are Prince Rainier of Monaco.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will win a landmark Supreme Court case this week when Mistress Mayhem is found guilty of giving you a substandard spanking.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sun magic is strong in your sign this week. Stare into the sun for an hour to receive portentous visions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You realize a lifelong dream this week when you finally get that annoying guy with the glasses fired from your local sandwich shop.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A handsome Scorpio will soon appear at your door, sell you a set of encyclopedias, and disappear forever.

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