Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will fail to convince the police that you were innocently attempting to soothe the howler monkey.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Pluto is rising in your sign this week, prompting a $300 million copyright-infringement lawsuit by the Disney Corporation.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The amused stars want to know if you’ll do that trick with the butcher knife, fireworks and can of gasoline one more time.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will receive a useful gift in the mail. Unfortunately, it is a gift certificate to a Big, Fat & Doomed men's store.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your life has become mired in routine and repetition. For a refreshing change, try not to kill any nursing students this week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars that influence your life are actually dance-floor strobe lights at a second-rate Miami nightclub, and they instruct you to shake what it took your mama nine months to make.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize that you have no idea how to "get some girls."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your inability to hear the letter s leads to humiliation when you wear a red wool outfit and carry a double-bitted axe and crosscut saw to a slumber party.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The onset of autumn means one thing to Capricorn: Soon it will be time to swim upstream and spawn.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
As foretold in Scripture, Christ will triumphantly return all your gifts this week.
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