Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1998

In This Section

Vol 34 Issue 10

Changing Weather Inspires Area Conversationalist

AUGUSTA, ME–The transition from summer to fall inspired local conversationalist Phillip Cadieux Monday. "Boy, it sure is starting to cool off out there," the 41-year-old Cadieux told fellow elevator passenger Jennifer Broderick, who was held rapt by the master monologuist's musings on the seasonal change. "I tell you, before you know it, it'll be time to dust off the old parka and break out the snow shovel."

Harper's Index: Percentage Of Harper's Readers Who Only Read Index: 98

NEW YORK–According to the Harper's Index in the October issue of Harper's, the percentage of the magazine's readers who only read the long-running index feature is 98. "Percentage of Harper's readers who stopped reading the magazine years ago and now only look at this page, if anything at all, before tossing it on their bathroom floor to seem smart to guests: 98," the index read.

Area Waitress Has One Hell Of An Ass On Her, Local Man Will Tell You That Right Now

BEAUMONT, TX–Beaumont-area delivery driver Leon Riggs is not kidding when he tells you that local waitress Pamela Wohlper, 24, has one hell of an ass on her, it was reported Tuesday. "That is one tight, juicy little ass that waitress has got on her," Riggs said. "Yes sir, that is one sweet little can, you know I got that right." Riggs added that you would not believe the things he would do if he ever got that ass all to himself.

Mercy Hospital Turns Away Uninsured Patient

ASHEVILLE, NC–Mary Griebe, a 68-year-old uninsured woman suffering from severe chest pain, was turned away by St. Jude Mercy Hospital Tuesday. "Unfortunately, Mercy Hospital is unable to treat patients whose ability to pay is unclear," said hospital director Dr. Wesley Simmons. "The chest-pain sufferer who arrived at our emergency room was given directions to several other nearby hospitals that might be more willing to help her, including Good Samaritan General, Hope & Compassion County, and Basic Human Decency General."

Dept. Of Transportation To Replace Highway Mile Markers With Dead Raccoons

WASHINGTON, DC–The U.S. Department of Transportation announced Tuesday that all highway mile markers will be replaced with raccoon carcasses. "Unlike the current mile markers, which are expensive and need frequent maintenance, dead raccoons are cheap to manufacture and can already be found at quarter-mile intervals on virtually every highway in America," Transportation Secretary Rodney Slater said. "All we need to do is spread the raccoons out evenly, and we'll be set."

I Am No Longer Allowed In The Pet Store

I used to love to go to the pet store, but then last week Mr. Schumacher told me I can't come in no more. They have such nice animals there, and I'm sad because now I can't touch them.

Ask Loni Anderson's Agent

Barry Wachtler is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Loni Anderson's Agent, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Kosovo Intervention?

Outraged over Serb atrocities against Kosovo's ethnic Albanians, NATO has issued an ultimatum to Serb leader Slobodan Milosevic, threatening air strikes if his aggression does not end. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holiday

Spring

Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will fail to convince the police that you were innocently attempting to soothe the howler monkey.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Pluto is rising in your sign this week, prompting a $300 million copyright-infringement lawsuit by the Disney Corporation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The amused stars want to know if you’ll do that trick with the butcher knife, fireworks and can of gasoline one more time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will receive a useful gift in the mail. Unfortunately, it is a gift certificate to a Big, Fat & Doomed men's store.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your life has become mired in routine and repetition. For a refreshing change, try not to kill any nursing students this week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The stars that influence your life are actually dance-floor strobe lights at a second-rate Miami nightclub, and they instruct you to shake what it took your mama nine months to make.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize that you have no idea how to "get some girls."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your inability to hear the letter s leads to humiliation when you wear a red wool outfit and carry a double-bitted axe and crosscut saw to a slumber party.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The onset of autumn means one thing to Capricorn: Soon it will be time to swim upstream and spawn.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    As foretold in Scripture, Christ will triumphantly return all your gifts this week.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More