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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will fail to convince the police that you were innocently attempting to soothe the howler monkey.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Pluto is rising in your sign this week, prompting a $300 million copyright-infringement lawsuit by the Disney Corporation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The amused stars want to know if you’ll do that trick with the butcher knife, fireworks and can of gasoline one more time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will receive a useful gift in the mail. Unfortunately, it is a gift certificate to a Big, Fat & Doomed men's store.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life has become mired in routine and repetition. For a refreshing change, try not to kill any nursing students this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars that influence your life are actually dance-floor strobe lights at a second-rate Miami nightclub, and they instruct you to shake what it took your mama nine months to make.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize that you have no idea how to "get some girls."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your inability to hear the letter s leads to humiliation when you wear a red wool outfit and carry a double-bitted axe and crosscut saw to a slumber party.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The onset of autumn means one thing to Capricorn: Soon it will be time to swim upstream and spawn.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As foretold in Scripture, Christ will triumphantly return all your gifts this week.

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