Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1998

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times


Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will fail to convince the police that you were innocently attempting to soothe the howler monkey.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Pluto is rising in your sign this week, prompting a $300 million copyright-infringement lawsuit by the Disney Corporation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The amused stars want to know if you’ll do that trick with the butcher knife, fireworks and can of gasoline one more time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will receive a useful gift in the mail. Unfortunately, it is a gift certificate to a Big, Fat & Doomed men's store.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life has become mired in routine and repetition. For a refreshing change, try not to kill any nursing students this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars that influence your life are actually dance-floor strobe lights at a second-rate Miami nightclub, and they instruct you to shake what it took your mama nine months to make.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize that you have no idea how to "get some girls."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your inability to hear the letter s leads to humiliation when you wear a red wool outfit and carry a double-bitted axe and crosscut saw to a slumber party.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The onset of autumn means one thing to Capricorn: Soon it will be time to swim upstream and spawn.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As foretold in Scripture, Christ will triumphantly return all your gifts this week.