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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of October 8, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll slip a notch in the estimation of your peers when they find out that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from the French, not from you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your eyes will soon meet the tender gaze of a handsome stranger, thanks to your decision to check the "organ donor" box on your driver's license.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Whether or not the pig learns to sing, you should keep trying to teach it. You have ample time, and no one cares about the pig's annoyance.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're never fully dressed without a smile, but in this era of office casual, a nice pocket square will do.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Some will say you're incapable of loving anything in this world, but they've forgotten about the little baby ducks.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be able to cross "See the Mona Lisa" off your list of things to do before you die, but that's about it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You knew that girl on the billboard wasn't real, but you still hoped it was at least a picture of an actual 40-foot-tall woman.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Being able to understand the language of the birds and the beasts sounded great, before you knew what self-centered little shits they all are.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're finding it harder and harder to sleep at night, knowing that Wilford Brimley and his horse are still out there somewhere.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No one at the public library will be able to answer your question about whether anyone in America has normal old sex anymore.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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