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Horoscope for the week of October 8, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Surprises

Horoscope for the week of October 8, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll slip a notch in the estimation of your peers when they find out that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from the French, not from you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your eyes will soon meet the tender gaze of a handsome stranger, thanks to your decision to check the "organ donor" box on your driver's license.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Whether or not the pig learns to sing, you should keep trying to teach it. You have ample time, and no one cares about the pig's annoyance.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're never fully dressed without a smile, but in this era of office casual, a nice pocket square will do.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Some will say you're incapable of loving anything in this world, but they've forgotten about the little baby ducks.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be able to cross "See the Mona Lisa" off your list of things to do before you die, but that's about it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You knew that girl on the billboard wasn't real, but you still hoped it was at least a picture of an actual 40-foot-tall woman.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Being able to understand the language of the birds and the beasts sounded great, before you knew what self-centered little shits they all are.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're finding it harder and harder to sleep at night, knowing that Wilford Brimley and his horse are still out there somewhere.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No one at the public library will be able to answer your question about whether anyone in America has normal old sex anymore.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.

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