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Horoscope for the week of October 8, 2003

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Horoscope for the week of October 8, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll slip a notch in the estimation of your peers when they find out that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from the French, not from you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your eyes will soon meet the tender gaze of a handsome stranger, thanks to your decision to check the "organ donor" box on your driver's license.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Whether or not the pig learns to sing, you should keep trying to teach it. You have ample time, and no one cares about the pig's annoyance.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're never fully dressed without a smile, but in this era of office casual, a nice pocket square will do.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Some will say you're incapable of loving anything in this world, but they've forgotten about the little baby ducks.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be able to cross "See the Mona Lisa" off your list of things to do before you die, but that's about it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You knew that girl on the billboard wasn't real, but you still hoped it was at least a picture of an actual 40-foot-tall woman.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Being able to understand the language of the birds and the beasts sounded great, before you knew what self-centered little shits they all are.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're finding it harder and harder to sleep at night, knowing that Wilford Brimley and his horse are still out there somewhere.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No one at the public library will be able to answer your question about whether anyone in America has normal old sex anymore.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.

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