Horoscope for the week of October 8, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 39

Girlfriend Dumped After Forwarding Stupid Link

GREAT FALLS, MT—Amanda Manis was dumped Monday after forwarding boyfriend Anthony Madrid a link for the humor web site LunaticLobsters.com. "I was convinced that I had found my soulmate, my kindred spirit, the woman I could grow old with," Madrid said. "Then, out of nowhere, Mandy e-mails me this stupid link. When I saw those Flash-animation cartoons, I knew it was over." Madrid has previously dumped girlfriends for owning roller blades, buying Vegemite, and watching Craig Kilborn.

8 Simple Rules Laugh Track Replaced With Somber String Arrangement

LOS ANGELES—ABC announced plans Monday to replace the laugh track of 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter with a somber string arrangement. "Following the untimely death of John Ritter, it's only appropriate that we repackage this madcap parenting comedy as a very special tribute to a man whose life touched us all," said producer Tim Sharbarth. "I mean, the episodes are in the can. We've gotta air them. Luckily, with the addition of new music by cellist Yo Yo Ma, the episodes offer a chance for the viewing public to say goodbye to John, a beloved legend of physical comedy." Promos for the show, which used to feature choice sexual wisecracks, now contain a message from Ritter's "TV family" and clips of the sitcom's characters hugging.

Frustrated FCC Unable To Stop Use Of Word 'Friggin''

WASHINGTON, DC—The government agency responsible for enforcing broadcast-decency laws can do nothing to stop rampant use of the word "friggin'," Federal Communications Commission Chairman Michael K. Powell said Monday. "Everyone knows what it really means when someone uses that word," Powell said. "Still, we hear it all over the morning radio shows, all the time. Oooh, it burns me up. Those DJs aren't fooling anyone, certainly not us here at the FCC. But sadly, our hands are tied." Powell suggested that users of the non-profanity just grow up.

Bartender Refuses To Acknowledge Patron's Regular Status

DAYTON, OH—Hurley's Pub bartender Don O'Hagan once again refused to acknowledge Henry Wells' status as a regular patron, the disappointed customer reported Tuesday. "I've been coming here for nearly two years, and I don't get so much as a nod of recognition when I sit down," said Wells, who estimated he's ordered a Bushmills with a splash of water from O'Hagan nearly 500 times. "I don't expect this place to be like Cheers, I just think that I deserve be treated like a human being, is all." Wells said he seriously considered not leaving a tip on his next round.

Parrot Care Is Actually Quite Time-Consuming

Ahoy thar, mateys! I see ye be gazin' upon me parrot Isabelle. Quite a keen fair lass, she be! Aye, but mark well me words: Thar be quite a lot o' work in carin' for a likely creature as she. Why, some scurvy swabs think a bowl o' seed an' a friendly shoulder be enough to please a bird from Gibraltar to Macao, but that be a d—n sight from truthful, I assure ye. What ho—I espy a calm driftin' in from the nor'-nor'-east—strike the mizzensail, me tars, an' lay-to as I tell ye what ye need to keep yer parrot a healthy an' happy crewmate.

CIA Leak Probed

The FBI has launched an investigation into whether White House officials leaked the identity of an undercover CIA officer. What do you think?
End Of Section
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Entertainment

Horoscope for the week of October 8, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll slip a notch in the estimation of your peers when they find out that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from the French, not from you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your eyes will soon meet the tender gaze of a handsome stranger, thanks to your decision to check the "organ donor" box on your driver's license.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Whether or not the pig learns to sing, you should keep trying to teach it. You have ample time, and no one cares about the pig's annoyance.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You're never fully dressed without a smile, but in this era of office casual, a nice pocket square will do.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Some will say you're incapable of loving anything in this world, but they've forgotten about the little baby ducks.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll be able to cross "See the Mona Lisa" off your list of things to do before you die, but that's about it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You knew that girl on the billboard wasn't real, but you still hoped it was at least a picture of an actual 40-foot-tall woman.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Being able to understand the language of the birds and the beasts sounded great, before you knew what self-centered little shits they all are.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You're finding it harder and harder to sleep at night, knowing that Wilford Brimley and his horse are still out there somewhere.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    No one at the public library will be able to answer your question about whether anyone in America has normal old sex anymore.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
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