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Horoscope for the week of October 8, 2003

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Horoscope for the week of October 8, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll slip a notch in the estimation of your peers when they find out that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from the French, not from you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your eyes will soon meet the tender gaze of a handsome stranger, thanks to your decision to check the "organ donor" box on your driver's license.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Whether or not the pig learns to sing, you should keep trying to teach it. You have ample time, and no one cares about the pig's annoyance.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're never fully dressed without a smile, but in this era of office casual, a nice pocket square will do.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Some will say you're incapable of loving anything in this world, but they've forgotten about the little baby ducks.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be able to cross "See the Mona Lisa" off your list of things to do before you die, but that's about it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You knew that girl on the billboard wasn't real, but you still hoped it was at least a picture of an actual 40-foot-tall woman.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Being able to understand the language of the birds and the beasts sounded great, before you knew what self-centered little shits they all are.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're finding it harder and harder to sleep at night, knowing that Wilford Brimley and his horse are still out there somewhere.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No one at the public library will be able to answer your question about whether anyone in America has normal old sex anymore.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.

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