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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of October 9, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Mercury descendant in the Ram this week means Aries will soon get the blues. Be sure to get them from your head to the bottoms of your travelling shoes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A fifth of Scotch will not prove to be an acceptable solution to your problems. Try another fifth of Scotch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman's body. You owe it to her to grab a paring knife and start carving until you get that man out.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The harvest moon in Cancer means change for your sign. You will die late Wednesday afternoon.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An innocent prank at the laboratory where you work will result in the world's population being cut by a third.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Love will enter your life this week, but will ultimately fail to take the place of hatred.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An ordinary can opener and a three-foot plank are the basic ingredients for your home piercing business.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your favorite snack contains only two parts per million of radioactive materials. Eat a quarter of a million of them.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Assuming a can-do attitude this week and taking charge of your life will make you the hit of death row.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An unexpected turn in your life's road leaves you with the responsibility of caring for several small children. Teach them to play the educational party game "Does It Burn?"
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Annoyance is added to insult this week when veteran actor Gene Hackman wakes you out of a sound sleep to tell you he disapproves of the way you've been living lately.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You need just one more pathetic gesture to make your life the worst ever lived by a sane human being. Buy an expensive, hour-long recording of engine sounds and listen to it over and over late at night.
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