adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of October 9, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Mercury descendant in the Ram this week means Aries will soon get the blues. Be sure to get them from your head to the bottoms of your travelling shoes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A fifth of Scotch will not prove to be an acceptable solution to your problems. Try another fifth of Scotch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman's body. You owe it to her to grab a paring knife and start carving until you get that man out.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The harvest moon in Cancer means change for your sign. You will die late Wednesday afternoon.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An innocent prank at the laboratory where you work will result in the world's population being cut by a third.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Love will enter your life this week, but will ultimately fail to take the place of hatred.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An ordinary can opener and a three-foot plank are the basic ingredients for your home piercing business.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your favorite snack contains only two parts per million of radioactive materials. Eat a quarter of a million of them.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Assuming a can-do attitude this week and taking charge of your life will make you the hit of death row.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An unexpected turn in your life's road leaves you with the responsibility of caring for several small children. Teach them to play the educational party game "Does It Burn?"
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Annoyance is added to insult this week when veteran actor Gene Hackman wakes you out of a sound sleep to tell you he disapproves of the way you've been living lately.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You need just one more pathetic gesture to make your life the worst ever lived by a sane human being. Buy an expensive, hour-long recording of engine sounds and listen to it over and over late at night.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close