Horoscope for the week of October 9, 1996

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Horoscope for the week of October 9, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Mercury descendant in the Ram this week means Aries will soon get the blues. Be sure to get them from your head to the bottoms of your travelling shoes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A fifth of Scotch will not prove to be an acceptable solution to your problems. Try another fifth of Scotch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman's body. You owe it to her to grab a paring knife and start carving until you get that man out.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The harvest moon in Cancer means change for your sign. You will die late Wednesday afternoon.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An innocent prank at the laboratory where you work will result in the world's population being cut by a third.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Love will enter your life this week, but will ultimately fail to take the place of hatred.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An ordinary can opener and a three-foot plank are the basic ingredients for your home piercing business.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your favorite snack contains only two parts per million of radioactive materials. Eat a quarter of a million of them.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Assuming a can-do attitude this week and taking charge of your life will make you the hit of death row.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An unexpected turn in your life's road leaves you with the responsibility of caring for several small children. Teach them to play the educational party game "Does It Burn?"
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Annoyance is added to insult this week when veteran actor Gene Hackman wakes you out of a sound sleep to tell you he disapproves of the way you've been living lately.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You need just one more pathetic gesture to make your life the worst ever lived by a sane human being. Buy an expensive, hour-long recording of engine sounds and listen to it over and over late at night.