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Horoscope for the week of October 9, 2002

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of October 9, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Aries, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will seek the ancient wisdom of a witch doctor, but you'll have no idea what he means by "Ooh Eee Ooh Ah-Ah Ting-Tang Walla-Walla Bing-Bang."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Society at large will expect you to donate to the Professional Wrestlers' Widows & Orphans Fund due to the unspoken code of ignoblesse oblige.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will belatedly realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After all is said and done, no one will have said or done anything involving you in any way.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The streets will soon run red with blood and echo with the tortured cries of the unforgiven, but you'll be amazed how quickly you get used to it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The only thing that keeps you from realizing your potential is the depressing awareness that it probably wouldn't take much time or effort.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Studies show that Colombia has the highest murder rate of any place in the Americas, except the place where you'll be standing at noon tomorrow.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You should start studying physical and geometric optics now, so you'll have a better understanding of what's happening when you're suddenly converted to photons.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars advise you to reconsider your plans for the future, as they're not going to happen in Capricorn's back yard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you're so fat, you should have your own zip code, you continue to use that of Fatsoville, your city of residence.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be unwillingly forced into a flurry of activity when you are chosen to host the 2014 Winter Olympiad.

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