Horoscope for the week of October 9, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 37

Captain's Hat Really Completes Street Lunatic's Ensemble

CHICAGO—A tattered U.S. Navy Captain's hat taken from a Salvation Army Dumpster adds the perfect finishing touch to street lunatic Corner Carl's outfit, fashion critics raved Monday. "The sailor's hat playfully juxtaposes his filthy Chicago Bears sweatshirt and backwards pajama bottoms," People style correspondent Steven Cojocaru said. "And when he screams at fire hydrants, it's now like he's scolding his imagined Navy underlings." GQ fashion writer Rob Vance said the nautical-themed hat makes Corner Carl resemble "a psychotic, profanity-spewing Alan Hale Jr."

Affable Anti-Semite Thinks The Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media

PLANO, TX—Henry McCullers, an affable Plano-area anti-Semite, praised the Jewish people Monday for doing "a bang-up job" running the media. "This has been such a great year for movies, and the new crop of fall TV shows looks to be one of the best in years," McCullers said. "And the cable news channels are doing a terrific job, too. Admittedly, they're not reporting on the Jewish stranglehold on world finance, but, hey, that's understandable."

Snoop Dogg Goes Clean

After years of heavy smoking, rapper Snoop Dogg recently announced that he is giving up marijuana. What has the rapper been up to since quitting?

The Preemptive-Strike Debate

President Bush's standoff with Iraq has prompted debate over whether preemptive strikes are a justifiable U.S. military option. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Family

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Horoscope for the week of October 9, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Aries, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will seek the ancient wisdom of a witch doctor, but you'll have no idea what he means by "Ooh Eee Ooh Ah-Ah Ting-Tang Walla-Walla Bing-Bang."
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Society at large will expect you to donate to the Professional Wrestlers' Widows & Orphans Fund due to the unspoken code of ignoblesse oblige.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will belatedly realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
  • Leo

    Leo

    After all is said and done, no one will have said or done anything involving you in any way.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The streets will soon run red with blood and echo with the tortured cries of the unforgiven, but you'll be amazed how quickly you get used to it.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The only thing that keeps you from realizing your potential is the depressing awareness that it probably wouldn't take much time or effort.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Studies show that Colombia has the highest murder rate of any place in the Americas, except the place where you'll be standing at noon tomorrow.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You should start studying physical and geometric optics now, so you'll have a better understanding of what's happening when you're suddenly converted to photons.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The stars advise you to reconsider your plans for the future, as they're not going to happen in Capricorn's back yard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though you're so fat, you should have your own zip code, you continue to use that of Fatsoville, your city of residence.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will soon be unwillingly forced into a flurry of activity when you are chosen to host the 2014 Winter Olympiad.
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