Horoscope for the week of October 9, 2002

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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Horoscope for the week of October 9, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Aries, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will seek the ancient wisdom of a witch doctor, but you'll have no idea what he means by "Ooh Eee Ooh Ah-Ah Ting-Tang Walla-Walla Bing-Bang."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Society at large will expect you to donate to the Professional Wrestlers' Widows & Orphans Fund due to the unspoken code of ignoblesse oblige.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will belatedly realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After all is said and done, no one will have said or done anything involving you in any way.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The streets will soon run red with blood and echo with the tortured cries of the unforgiven, but you'll be amazed how quickly you get used to it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The only thing that keeps you from realizing your potential is the depressing awareness that it probably wouldn't take much time or effort.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Studies show that Colombia has the highest murder rate of any place in the Americas, except the place where you'll be standing at noon tomorrow.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You should start studying physical and geometric optics now, so you'll have a better understanding of what's happening when you're suddenly converted to photons.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars advise you to reconsider your plans for the future, as they're not going to happen in Capricorn's back yard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you're so fat, you should have your own zip code, you continue to use that of Fatsoville, your city of residence.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be unwillingly forced into a flurry of activity when you are chosen to host the 2014 Winter Olympiad.


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