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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Horoscope for the week of October 9, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Aries, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will seek the ancient wisdom of a witch doctor, but you'll have no idea what he means by "Ooh Eee Ooh Ah-Ah Ting-Tang Walla-Walla Bing-Bang."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Society at large will expect you to donate to the Professional Wrestlers' Widows & Orphans Fund due to the unspoken code of ignoblesse oblige.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will belatedly realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After all is said and done, no one will have said or done anything involving you in any way.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The streets will soon run red with blood and echo with the tortured cries of the unforgiven, but you'll be amazed how quickly you get used to it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The only thing that keeps you from realizing your potential is the depressing awareness that it probably wouldn't take much time or effort.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Studies show that Colombia has the highest murder rate of any place in the Americas, except the place where you'll be standing at noon tomorrow.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You should start studying physical and geometric optics now, so you'll have a better understanding of what's happening when you're suddenly converted to photons.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars advise you to reconsider your plans for the future, as they're not going to happen in Capricorn's back yard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you're so fat, you should have your own zip code, you continue to use that of Fatsoville, your city of residence.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be unwillingly forced into a flurry of activity when you are chosen to host the 2014 Winter Olympiad.

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