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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Horoscope for the week of September 1, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's trouble in your romantic life, but don't worry: If it were as easy as tying them up until they agreed to love you forever, everyone would be doing it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Okay, okay, you have the blues. But that's no reason to yell and play that damn guitar on the street all day long.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing can stop the terrible aching loneliness you feel inside. Try going outside and see if it gets any better.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    God has been hard on you, but He has great plans for your future. He wants you to open a really good sub shop.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your life will finally be complete when your web site is ranked the third most popular in your hometown.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your eerie hallucinations still aren't going away. Perhaps these "policemen" and "doctors" are real, and the Magical Axe Fairy is the imaginary one, after all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Neptune rising in your sign means that foreign grain markets are depressed in early trading this week. The stars can be very precise when they want to be.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Avoid people who tell you the truth can be found in mystic, sky-borne patterns.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Light and water magicks are strong in Sagittarius this week, meaning you will probably find yourself face down in the fountain at Caesar's Palace again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Somehow, you won't be able to let yourself trust the knife-throwing maniac at your office. Just give it time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember, the respect of your peers isn't something that can be bought or sold. So it's probably not all that important.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become attuned to the powerful vibrations of the universe next Tuesday, covering dozens of bystanders in blood and gore as you convulse to bits.

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