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Horoscope for the week of September 1, 1999

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of September 1, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's trouble in your romantic life, but don't worry: If it were as easy as tying them up until they agreed to love you forever, everyone would be doing it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Okay, okay, you have the blues. But that's no reason to yell and play that damn guitar on the street all day long.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing can stop the terrible aching loneliness you feel inside. Try going outside and see if it gets any better.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    God has been hard on you, but He has great plans for your future. He wants you to open a really good sub shop.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your life will finally be complete when your web site is ranked the third most popular in your hometown.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your eerie hallucinations still aren't going away. Perhaps these "policemen" and "doctors" are real, and the Magical Axe Fairy is the imaginary one, after all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Neptune rising in your sign means that foreign grain markets are depressed in early trading this week. The stars can be very precise when they want to be.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Avoid people who tell you the truth can be found in mystic, sky-borne patterns.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Light and water magicks are strong in Sagittarius this week, meaning you will probably find yourself face down in the fountain at Caesar's Palace again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Somehow, you won't be able to let yourself trust the knife-throwing maniac at your office. Just give it time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember, the respect of your peers isn't something that can be bought or sold. So it's probably not all that important.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become attuned to the powerful vibrations of the universe next Tuesday, covering dozens of bystanders in blood and gore as you convulse to bits.

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