Aries | March 21 to April 19
There's trouble in your romantic life, but don't worry: If it were as easy as tying them up until they agreed to love you forever, everyone would be doing it.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Okay, okay, you have the blues. But that's no reason to yell and play that damn guitar on the street all day long.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Nothing can stop the terrible aching loneliness you feel inside. Try going outside and see if it gets any better.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
God has been hard on you, but He has great plans for your future. He wants you to open a really good sub shop.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your life will finally be complete when your web site is ranked the third most popular in your hometown.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your eerie hallucinations still aren't going away. Perhaps these "policemen" and "doctors" are real, and the Magical Axe Fairy is the imaginary one, after all.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Neptune rising in your sign means that foreign grain markets are depressed in early trading this week. The stars can be very precise when they want to be.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Avoid people who tell you the truth can be found in mystic, sky-borne patterns.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Light and water magicks are strong in Sagittarius this week, meaning you will probably find yourself face down in the fountain at Caesar's Palace again.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Somehow, you won't be able to let yourself trust the knife-throwing maniac at your office. Just give it time.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Remember, the respect of your peers isn't something that can be bought or sold. So it's probably not all that important.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will become attuned to the powerful vibrations of the universe next Tuesday, covering dozens of bystanders in blood and gore as you convulse to bits.
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