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Horoscope for the week of September 1, 1999

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 1, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's trouble in your romantic life, but don't worry: If it were as easy as tying them up until they agreed to love you forever, everyone would be doing it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Okay, okay, you have the blues. But that's no reason to yell and play that damn guitar on the street all day long.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing can stop the terrible aching loneliness you feel inside. Try going outside and see if it gets any better.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    God has been hard on you, but He has great plans for your future. He wants you to open a really good sub shop.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your life will finally be complete when your web site is ranked the third most popular in your hometown.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your eerie hallucinations still aren't going away. Perhaps these "policemen" and "doctors" are real, and the Magical Axe Fairy is the imaginary one, after all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Neptune rising in your sign means that foreign grain markets are depressed in early trading this week. The stars can be very precise when they want to be.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Avoid people who tell you the truth can be found in mystic, sky-borne patterns.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Light and water magicks are strong in Sagittarius this week, meaning you will probably find yourself face down in the fountain at Caesar's Palace again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Somehow, you won't be able to let yourself trust the knife-throwing maniac at your office. Just give it time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember, the respect of your peers isn't something that can be bought or sold. So it's probably not all that important.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become attuned to the powerful vibrations of the universe next Tuesday, covering dozens of bystanders in blood and gore as you convulse to bits.

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