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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of September 1, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's trouble in your romantic life, but don't worry: If it were as easy as tying them up until they agreed to love you forever, everyone would be doing it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Okay, okay, you have the blues. But that's no reason to yell and play that damn guitar on the street all day long.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing can stop the terrible aching loneliness you feel inside. Try going outside and see if it gets any better.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    God has been hard on you, but He has great plans for your future. He wants you to open a really good sub shop.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your life will finally be complete when your web site is ranked the third most popular in your hometown.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your eerie hallucinations still aren't going away. Perhaps these "policemen" and "doctors" are real, and the Magical Axe Fairy is the imaginary one, after all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Neptune rising in your sign means that foreign grain markets are depressed in early trading this week. The stars can be very precise when they want to be.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Avoid people who tell you the truth can be found in mystic, sky-borne patterns.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Light and water magicks are strong in Sagittarius this week, meaning you will probably find yourself face down in the fountain at Caesar's Palace again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Somehow, you won't be able to let yourself trust the knife-throwing maniac at your office. Just give it time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember, the respect of your peers isn't something that can be bought or sold. So it's probably not all that important.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become attuned to the powerful vibrations of the universe next Tuesday, covering dozens of bystanders in blood and gore as you convulse to bits.

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