Horoscope for the week of September 1, 2004

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of September 1, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you die, your name will not be found in the Book of Eternal Life. That's because you died, duh.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're utterly unfit to survive in the world of advertising sales, but that's because it doesn't have the methane-rich atmosphere your species breathes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your life story has all the elements of a classic revenge tale, or at least it will after Wednesday's company picnic.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Just a few more months and you'll be able to point out historical inaccuracies in people's Halloween costumes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Unfortunately, unless New York drastically reforms the trampoline-zoning laws in the Empire State neighborhood, you'll just have to find a different way to commit suicide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're starting to develop a sneaking suspicion that other people are having more sex, parties, and all-around fun than you are, which just proves that it takes you a while to catch on sometimes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Marriage, with the levels of cooperation it demands, is not for everyone. So it's actually a good thing that it's illegal for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Not that it's really the stars' business, but you really should have lived your life so as to be more affected by the recent death of Czeslaw Milosz.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You don't get to choose your parents, but your brilliant merging of dating services and time travel are about to change all that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be questioned by authorities and charged with criminal incompetence after a man you supposedly taught to fish dies of starvation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Being "on call" does tend to take its toll on your personal life, but as the Hot Dog King, you've gotta expect that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing you do this week will be of note to people who don't look at the photos on page 27 of The Canadian Journal Of Infectious Diseases And Medical Microbiology.