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Horoscope for the week of September 1, 2004

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of September 1, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you die, your name will not be found in the Book of Eternal Life. That's because you died, duh.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're utterly unfit to survive in the world of advertising sales, but that's because it doesn't have the methane-rich atmosphere your species breathes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your life story has all the elements of a classic revenge tale, or at least it will after Wednesday's company picnic.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Just a few more months and you'll be able to point out historical inaccuracies in people's Halloween costumes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Unfortunately, unless New York drastically reforms the trampoline-zoning laws in the Empire State neighborhood, you'll just have to find a different way to commit suicide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're starting to develop a sneaking suspicion that other people are having more sex, parties, and all-around fun than you are, which just proves that it takes you a while to catch on sometimes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Marriage, with the levels of cooperation it demands, is not for everyone. So it's actually a good thing that it's illegal for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Not that it's really the stars' business, but you really should have lived your life so as to be more affected by the recent death of Czeslaw Milosz.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You don't get to choose your parents, but your brilliant merging of dating services and time travel are about to change all that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be questioned by authorities and charged with criminal incompetence after a man you supposedly taught to fish dies of starvation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Being "on call" does tend to take its toll on your personal life, but as the Hot Dog King, you've gotta expect that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing you do this week will be of note to people who don't look at the photos on page 27 of The Canadian Journal Of Infectious Diseases And Medical Microbiology.

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