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Horoscope for the week of September 1, 2004

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 1, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you die, your name will not be found in the Book of Eternal Life. That's because you died, duh.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're utterly unfit to survive in the world of advertising sales, but that's because it doesn't have the methane-rich atmosphere your species breathes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your life story has all the elements of a classic revenge tale, or at least it will after Wednesday's company picnic.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Just a few more months and you'll be able to point out historical inaccuracies in people's Halloween costumes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Unfortunately, unless New York drastically reforms the trampoline-zoning laws in the Empire State neighborhood, you'll just have to find a different way to commit suicide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're starting to develop a sneaking suspicion that other people are having more sex, parties, and all-around fun than you are, which just proves that it takes you a while to catch on sometimes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Marriage, with the levels of cooperation it demands, is not for everyone. So it's actually a good thing that it's illegal for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Not that it's really the stars' business, but you really should have lived your life so as to be more affected by the recent death of Czeslaw Milosz.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You don't get to choose your parents, but your brilliant merging of dating services and time travel are about to change all that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be questioned by authorities and charged with criminal incompetence after a man you supposedly taught to fish dies of starvation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Being "on call" does tend to take its toll on your personal life, but as the Hot Dog King, you've gotta expect that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing you do this week will be of note to people who don't look at the photos on page 27 of The Canadian Journal Of Infectious Diseases And Medical Microbiology.

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