Horoscope for the week of September 1, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of September 1, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you die, your name will not be found in the Book of Eternal Life. That's because you died, duh.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're utterly unfit to survive in the world of advertising sales, but that's because it doesn't have the methane-rich atmosphere your species breathes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your life story has all the elements of a classic revenge tale, or at least it will after Wednesday's company picnic.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Just a few more months and you'll be able to point out historical inaccuracies in people's Halloween costumes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Unfortunately, unless New York drastically reforms the trampoline-zoning laws in the Empire State neighborhood, you'll just have to find a different way to commit suicide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're starting to develop a sneaking suspicion that other people are having more sex, parties, and all-around fun than you are, which just proves that it takes you a while to catch on sometimes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Marriage, with the levels of cooperation it demands, is not for everyone. So it's actually a good thing that it's illegal for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Not that it's really the stars' business, but you really should have lived your life so as to be more affected by the recent death of Czeslaw Milosz.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You don't get to choose your parents, but your brilliant merging of dating services and time travel are about to change all that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be questioned by authorities and charged with criminal incompetence after a man you supposedly taught to fish dies of starvation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Being "on call" does tend to take its toll on your personal life, but as the Hot Dog King, you've gotta expect that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing you do this week will be of note to people who don't look at the photos on page 27 of The Canadian Journal Of Infectious Diseases And Medical Microbiology.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close