Horoscope for the week of September 10, 2003

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of September 10, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll garner praise you don't deserve when you carefully manipulate the facts concerning your late phone bill to make yourself look like a hero.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your recent decision to adopt the warrior code of bushido to guide you through life will lead to a tragic confrontation with your inept pet groomer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You insist that there is nothing wrong with the American educational system, but the person who reads this to you isn't quite so confident.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    That old joke about the blind woman who answered the hot iron won't seem so funny when you're hospitalized after talking on one for 45 minutes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Trial by jury is fine, but not when all 12 jurors insist on chanting "Guilty!" throughout your entire testimony.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You should have seen it coming when, out in the West Texas town of El Paso, you fell in love with a Mexican girl.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're living proof that a sordid and unhealthy sexual relationship doesn't have to involve other people.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Before you can truly grasp the principle behind of the zero-sum game, you will have lost all your money playing Texas Hold 'Em.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Letting tomorrow take care of itself isn't really a bad philosophy, if you're pretty sure there are more than eight tomorrows left.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your life story will be called "a Lord Of The Flies for the fat and lonely" by a local newscaster who has obviously never read The Yellow Wallpaper.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Things aren't so rosy at the moment, but take heart: Someday, you'll be able to look back and laugh at all those nurses you had to kill.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Filing off the numbers and reselling the hot goods would be a workable plan, if you didn't deal in stolen credit cards.


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