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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of September 10, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll garner praise you don't deserve when you carefully manipulate the facts concerning your late phone bill to make yourself look like a hero.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your recent decision to adopt the warrior code of bushido to guide you through life will lead to a tragic confrontation with your inept pet groomer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You insist that there is nothing wrong with the American educational system, but the person who reads this to you isn't quite so confident.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    That old joke about the blind woman who answered the hot iron won't seem so funny when you're hospitalized after talking on one for 45 minutes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Trial by jury is fine, but not when all 12 jurors insist on chanting "Guilty!" throughout your entire testimony.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You should have seen it coming when, out in the West Texas town of El Paso, you fell in love with a Mexican girl.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're living proof that a sordid and unhealthy sexual relationship doesn't have to involve other people.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Before you can truly grasp the principle behind of the zero-sum game, you will have lost all your money playing Texas Hold 'Em.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Letting tomorrow take care of itself isn't really a bad philosophy, if you're pretty sure there are more than eight tomorrows left.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your life story will be called "a Lord Of The Flies for the fat and lonely" by a local newscaster who has obviously never read The Yellow Wallpaper.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Things aren't so rosy at the moment, but take heart: Someday, you'll be able to look back and laugh at all those nurses you had to kill.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Filing off the numbers and reselling the hot goods would be a workable plan, if you didn't deal in stolen credit cards.

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