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Horoscope for the week of September 10, 2003

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of September 10, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll garner praise you don't deserve when you carefully manipulate the facts concerning your late phone bill to make yourself look like a hero.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your recent decision to adopt the warrior code of bushido to guide you through life will lead to a tragic confrontation with your inept pet groomer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You insist that there is nothing wrong with the American educational system, but the person who reads this to you isn't quite so confident.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    That old joke about the blind woman who answered the hot iron won't seem so funny when you're hospitalized after talking on one for 45 minutes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Trial by jury is fine, but not when all 12 jurors insist on chanting "Guilty!" throughout your entire testimony.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You should have seen it coming when, out in the West Texas town of El Paso, you fell in love with a Mexican girl.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're living proof that a sordid and unhealthy sexual relationship doesn't have to involve other people.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Before you can truly grasp the principle behind of the zero-sum game, you will have lost all your money playing Texas Hold 'Em.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Letting tomorrow take care of itself isn't really a bad philosophy, if you're pretty sure there are more than eight tomorrows left.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your life story will be called "a Lord Of The Flies for the fat and lonely" by a local newscaster who has obviously never read The Yellow Wallpaper.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Things aren't so rosy at the moment, but take heart: Someday, you'll be able to look back and laugh at all those nurses you had to kill.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Filing off the numbers and reselling the hot goods would be a workable plan, if you didn't deal in stolen credit cards.

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