Horoscope for the week of September 10, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Productivity

Horoscope for the week of September 10, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll garner praise you don't deserve when you carefully manipulate the facts concerning your late phone bill to make yourself look like a hero.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your recent decision to adopt the warrior code of bushido to guide you through life will lead to a tragic confrontation with your inept pet groomer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You insist that there is nothing wrong with the American educational system, but the person who reads this to you isn't quite so confident.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    That old joke about the blind woman who answered the hot iron won't seem so funny when you're hospitalized after talking on one for 45 minutes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Trial by jury is fine, but not when all 12 jurors insist on chanting "Guilty!" throughout your entire testimony.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You should have seen it coming when, out in the West Texas town of El Paso, you fell in love with a Mexican girl.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're living proof that a sordid and unhealthy sexual relationship doesn't have to involve other people.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Before you can truly grasp the principle behind of the zero-sum game, you will have lost all your money playing Texas Hold 'Em.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Letting tomorrow take care of itself isn't really a bad philosophy, if you're pretty sure there are more than eight tomorrows left.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your life story will be called "a Lord Of The Flies for the fat and lonely" by a local newscaster who has obviously never read The Yellow Wallpaper.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Things aren't so rosy at the moment, but take heart: Someday, you'll be able to look back and laugh at all those nurses you had to kill.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Filing off the numbers and reselling the hot goods would be a workable plan, if you didn't deal in stolen credit cards.