Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll garner praise you don't deserve when you carefully manipulate the facts concerning your late phone bill to make yourself look like a hero.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your recent decision to adopt the warrior code of bushido to guide you through life will lead to a tragic confrontation with your inept pet groomer.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You insist that there is nothing wrong with the American educational system, but the person who reads this to you isn't quite so confident.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
That old joke about the blind woman who answered the hot iron won't seem so funny when you're hospitalized after talking on one for 45 minutes.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Trial by jury is fine, but not when all 12 jurors insist on chanting "Guilty!" throughout your entire testimony.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You should have seen it coming when, out in the West Texas town of El Paso, you fell in love with a Mexican girl.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You're living proof that a sordid and unhealthy sexual relationship doesn't have to involve other people.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Before you can truly grasp the principle behind of the zero-sum game, you will have lost all your money playing Texas Hold 'Em.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Letting tomorrow take care of itself isn't really a bad philosophy, if you're pretty sure there are more than eight tomorrows left.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your life story will be called "a Lord Of The Flies for the fat and lonely" by a local newscaster who has obviously never read The Yellow Wallpaper.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Things aren't so rosy at the moment, but take heart: Someday, you'll be able to look back and laugh at all those nurses you had to kill.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Filing off the numbers and reselling the hot goods would be a workable plan, if you didn't deal in stolen credit cards.
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