Horoscope for the week of September 11, 1996

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of September 11, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of the tarpon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There will be no hiding your shame when a publicity stunt you engineered for a nationwide chain of sausage shops goes horribly awry, impregnating dozens of spokesmodels.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing on Earth or in Heaven will be able to stop the nigh-unlimited seducing power of Gemini's five-gallon bottle of Drakkar Noir cologne.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your seventh straight year of office football pool domination will be tarnished when your colleagues discover that NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has become your psychic friend.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Fire and Air magic are now strong in Leo. Perhaps your decision to "get back on that horse" is inappropriate for a jet pilot.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Former roadblocks to romance will crumble and fall before you this month when you discover the erotic potential of intravenous racehorse amphetamines.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be unable to shake the strange feeling that your employer's still-beating heart might be absolutely delicious if eaten under a full moon.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week's events will ultimately make you a top expert in the competitive genital-branding field.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The waning summer will take with it the last sour dregs of your youth. Celebrate by meeting your mom for lunch and kicking her ass.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The novels of Jack London inspire you to move to Alaska, tie yourself to a sled, and demand a whipping.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Mercury ascendant in your sign means business troubles ahead. You should have had Jake the Snake killed before he turned State's witness.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The barren landscape of a shattered marriage will stare you in the face this week when the Monday Night Football announcers fail in their efforts to keep your naked spouse off-camera.