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Horoscope for the week of September 11, 1996

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Horoscope for the week of September 11, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of the tarpon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There will be no hiding your shame when a publicity stunt you engineered for a nationwide chain of sausage shops goes horribly awry, impregnating dozens of spokesmodels.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Nothing on Earth or in Heaven will be able to stop the nigh-unlimited seducing power of Gemini's five-gallon bottle of Drakkar Noir cologne.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your seventh straight year of office football pool domination will be tarnished when your colleagues discover that NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has become your psychic friend.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Fire and Air magic are now strong in Leo. Perhaps your decision to "get back on that horse" is inappropriate for a jet pilot.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Former roadblocks to romance will crumble and fall before you this month when you discover the erotic potential of intravenous racehorse amphetamines.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be unable to shake the strange feeling that your employer's still-beating heart might be absolutely delicious if eaten under a full moon.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week's events will ultimately make you a top expert in the competitive genital-branding field.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The waning summer will take with it the last sour dregs of your youth. Celebrate by meeting your mom for lunch and kicking her ass.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The novels of Jack London inspire you to move to Alaska, tie yourself to a sled, and demand a whipping.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Mercury ascendant in your sign means business troubles ahead. You should have had Jake the Snake killed before he turned State's witness.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The barren landscape of a shattered marriage will stare you in the face this week when the Monday Night Football announcers fail in their efforts to keep your naked spouse off-camera.

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