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Horoscope for the week of September 11, 2002

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Horoscope for the week of September 11, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Wednesday will be a good day to make business decisions. Business decisions made on any other day will cause the Nikkei index to plunge.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You can barely contain yourself when you hear the national anthem, causing you to explosively deliquesce before the Packers game this Sunday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've long been familiar with Marshall's theory of the Marginal Disutility of the Laborer, but you've just figured out that it means you'll now have to deep-fry stuff for 40 hours a week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone wants the world to love them, but not everyone tries to win the world's affection by baking it an enormous pie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your desire to defend your country by being a soldier is admirable, but most people who feel that way simply join the armed forces.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    People generally get the sort of government they deserve, which is why the nation's biggest assholes cast write-in votes for you in the upcoming election.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your shock and horror will be only partially offset by the prospect of great wealth when Liza Minnelli adopts you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    People will finally lose patience with you this week when God announces He's been finished with you for years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.

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