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Horoscope for the week of September 11, 2002

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of September 11, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Wednesday will be a good day to make business decisions. Business decisions made on any other day will cause the Nikkei index to plunge.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You can barely contain yourself when you hear the national anthem, causing you to explosively deliquesce before the Packers game this Sunday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've long been familiar with Marshall's theory of the Marginal Disutility of the Laborer, but you've just figured out that it means you'll now have to deep-fry stuff for 40 hours a week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone wants the world to love them, but not everyone tries to win the world's affection by baking it an enormous pie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your desire to defend your country by being a soldier is admirable, but most people who feel that way simply join the armed forces.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    People generally get the sort of government they deserve, which is why the nation's biggest assholes cast write-in votes for you in the upcoming election.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your shock and horror will be only partially offset by the prospect of great wealth when Liza Minnelli adopts you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    People will finally lose patience with you this week when God announces He's been finished with you for years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.

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