Aries | March 21 to April 19
Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Wednesday will be a good day to make business decisions. Business decisions made on any other day will cause the Nikkei index to plunge.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You can barely contain yourself when you hear the national anthem, causing you to explosively deliquesce before the Packers game this Sunday.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You've long been familiar with Marshall's theory of the Marginal Disutility of the Laborer, but you've just figured out that it means you'll now have to deep-fry stuff for 40 hours a week.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Everyone wants the world to love them, but not everyone tries to win the world's affection by baking it an enormous pie.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your desire to defend your country by being a soldier is admirable, but most people who feel that way simply join the armed forces.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
People generally get the sort of government they deserve, which is why the nation's biggest assholes cast write-in votes for you in the upcoming election.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your shock and horror will be only partially offset by the prospect of great wealth when Liza Minnelli adopts you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
People will finally lose patience with you this week when God announces He's been finished with you for years.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.
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