Horoscope for the week of September 11, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 33

Taco Bell Employee Somehow Dressed Down By Manager

DETROIT—Improbably, Taco Bell employee Wayne Lorimer, 28, was dressed down by manager Cal Dyer Tuesday. "I thought I was already cut down to size just by working here," said Lorimer, a former Ford auto worker laid off earlier this year. "But Cal's lecture about paying more attention to the proper way to apply sour cream if I want to remain a valued member of the Taco Bell family, that managed to lower me even more." Lorimer said he thinks Dyer might be right out of high school.

Balloon Deliveryman Forced To Take Bus

BALTIMORE—His car in the shop, Balloon-O-Gram deliveryman Burt Girardi, 37, was forced to use public transit Tuesday. "Well, that was pleasant," Girardi said. "You haven't lived until you've sat on a jam-packed crosstown bus for 40 minutes holding an 18-balloon Birthday Bouquet while dressed in full Zorro regalia." Girardi added that teenagers today think they are so goddamn funny.

Senate Softball Team Loses Against Local Bar

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Senate softball team suffered its fourth straight defeat Tuesday, losing 11-4 to the Anchor Inn. "We were actually ahead in the second after [Sen.] Judd [Gregg (R-NH)] hit a two-run double," team captain Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) said. "But then, Anchor Inn scored six in the bottom of the inning, and the rout was on." For next week's game against Pitchers Pub, Ensign said he plans to move error-prone shortstop Barbara Mikulski (D-MD) to right field.

Man Has Mixed Feelings About $39 Flight

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Moments after saving hundreds of dollars on round-trip airfare from Atlanta to Los Angeles, Phillip Walden, 41, experienced mixed feelings about the bargain $39 Southwest Airlines flight. "What sort of corners would they have to cut to make a profit on that low a fare?" Walden wondered aloud after completing the Expedia.com purchase. "Would $39 from every passenger even cover the fuel?" For safety's sake, Walden resolved to buy the second-cheapest ticket available from now on.

You Call That Groveling?

Denison, you've been with the company 14 years now, and you've always been a real team player. Rarely a sick day, money with deadlines, a real can-do guy in the clutch. So how is it that you could have dropped the ball so badly on this one? I thought I could count on you for some real down-and-dirty begging and self-degradation when we told you we'd have to let you go as part of cost-cutting initiatives. We expected you to plead for your job back. But what you're doing is disappointing to say the least. You call that groveling?

I Regret To Say Your Wedding Falls Square In The Middle Of The Prisoner Marathon

When I received your wedding invitation, Neil, I was overcome with joy at the prospect of being part of your blessed day. As one of my oldest and dearest friends, you are the kind of person whose nuptials I would not want to miss for all the world. However, as much as I want to be there when you take Beth as your wife, I regret to say that your Oct. 12 wedding falls square in the middle of the Prisoner marathon on the Sci-Fi Channel.

The 9/11 Anniversary

Wednesday marks the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks. How are we commemorating the occasion?

Supreme Court Cock-Blocks Iowa Man

WASHINGTON, DC—By an 8-1 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court cock-blocked Des Moines, IA, bar patron Jon Carmody Friday, severely curtailing his power to score with fellow bar-goer Megan Navarre. "Carmody's right to put the moves on Navarre does not and cannot be construed to supersede this court's right to hit on her, too," Justice Antonin Scalia wrote in the majority opinion. "That Carmody scored last weekend with that blonde girl at P.J.'s serves to illustrate that he's had enough for now. We will preclude the shit out of that tool getting any from Navarre."
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Luxury

Horoscope for the week of September 11, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Wednesday will be a good day to make business decisions. Business decisions made on any other day will cause the Nikkei index to plunge.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You can barely contain yourself when you hear the national anthem, causing you to explosively deliquesce before the Packers game this Sunday.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You've long been familiar with Marshall's theory of the Marginal Disutility of the Laborer, but you've just figured out that it means you'll now have to deep-fry stuff for 40 hours a week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Everyone wants the world to love them, but not everyone tries to win the world's affection by baking it an enormous pie.
  • Libra

    Libra

    There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your desire to defend your country by being a soldier is admirable, but most people who feel that way simply join the armed forces.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    People generally get the sort of government they deserve, which is why the nation's biggest assholes cast write-in votes for you in the upcoming election.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your shock and horror will be only partially offset by the prospect of great wealth when Liza Minnelli adopts you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    People will finally lose patience with you this week when God announces He's been finished with you for years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.
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