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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Horoscope for the week of September 11, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Wednesday will be a good day to make business decisions. Business decisions made on any other day will cause the Nikkei index to plunge.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You can barely contain yourself when you hear the national anthem, causing you to explosively deliquesce before the Packers game this Sunday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've long been familiar with Marshall's theory of the Marginal Disutility of the Laborer, but you've just figured out that it means you'll now have to deep-fry stuff for 40 hours a week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone wants the world to love them, but not everyone tries to win the world's affection by baking it an enormous pie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your desire to defend your country by being a soldier is admirable, but most people who feel that way simply join the armed forces.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    People generally get the sort of government they deserve, which is why the nation's biggest assholes cast write-in votes for you in the upcoming election.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your shock and horror will be only partially offset by the prospect of great wealth when Liza Minnelli adopts you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    People will finally lose patience with you this week when God announces He's been finished with you for years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.

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