Horoscope for the week of September 12, 2001

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Horoscope for the week of September 12, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will receive frightening news regarding the U.N.'s Council For The Prevention Of Nuclear Terrorism. For one thing, it doesn't exist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This week, it is neither the heat nor the humidity that's the worst. It's the guy with the two-by-four who runs around hitting people in the face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You had a nagging feeling that your epic prose poem sounded familiar, but you're still embarrassed when friends point out that you've ripped off The Iliad.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will see your fate unfold as through a glass, darkly. This is largely due to your sunglasses.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your arrest and execution for espionage could have been avoided if only you hadn't argued over who would wear the back of the horse suit.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve a form of immortality when you choose a tombstone that's perfect for balancing beer kegs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham more than you do.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your attempt to explain to the judge that you "just wanted to see what horse laxative smelled like" is met with deep suspicion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fall from grace will be compared to that of Lucifer, but only in that you both managed to take a chunk of a wall down with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will experience conflicting emotions when, upon coming home next Friday, your friends jump out of hiding, yell "Surprise!," and kill you with axes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon be the envy of all your coworkers, who, as luck would have it, are all necrophiliac contract-bridge players.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You have a crazy brother who insists he's a chicken. You'd send him to a doctor, but you need the fried chicken.