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Horoscope for the week of September 12, 2001

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of September 12, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will receive frightening news regarding the U.N.'s Council For The Prevention Of Nuclear Terrorism. For one thing, it doesn't exist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This week, it is neither the heat nor the humidity that's the worst. It's the guy with the two-by-four who runs around hitting people in the face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You had a nagging feeling that your epic prose poem sounded familiar, but you're still embarrassed when friends point out that you've ripped off The Iliad.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will see your fate unfold as through a glass, darkly. This is largely due to your sunglasses.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your arrest and execution for espionage could have been avoided if only you hadn't argued over who would wear the back of the horse suit.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve a form of immortality when you choose a tombstone that's perfect for balancing beer kegs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham more than you do.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your attempt to explain to the judge that you "just wanted to see what horse laxative smelled like" is met with deep suspicion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fall from grace will be compared to that of Lucifer, but only in that you both managed to take a chunk of a wall down with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will experience conflicting emotions when, upon coming home next Friday, your friends jump out of hiding, yell "Surprise!," and kill you with axes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon be the envy of all your coworkers, who, as luck would have it, are all necrophiliac contract-bridge players.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You have a crazy brother who insists he's a chicken. You'd send him to a doctor, but you need the fried chicken.

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