Horoscope for the week of September 12, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 32

Legalizing Mexican Labor

Last week, President Bush promised illegal Mexican immigrants a worker program to legalize their labor in the U.S., but not blanket amnesty. What do you think?

Congressman Admits To Sexual Relationship

WASHINGTON, DC—After months of fevered speculation and allegations in the media regarding his private life, U.S. Rep. Gordon Graham (D-IL) finally admitted Monday to having a sexual relationship with Arlington, VA, interior designer Joyce Debolt.

Sci-Fi Fans Argue The Better Of Two As-Yet-Unreleased Films

TULSA, OK— Science-fiction fans Pete Carver and Matthew Wynne disagreed sharply Monday on the relative merits of Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone and The Fellowship Of The Ring, neither of which hits theaters for months. "The storyboards for the Quidditch tournament I saw on this one web site look terrible," said the pro-Tolkien Carver. "There's no way that scene can be better than I've heard the Balrog one is." Wynne countered that the set design for the Great Hall of Hogwarts set "will completely blow away" that of the Mines of Moria.

True A.R. Bruthas Don't Take No Layba Day Off

Ay yo, wassup, Gs? If y'all aksed me what paradise wuz to tha H-Dog, I'd say it be three things: customas payin' they accountz on time without me having to go all Walkin' Tall on they ass, a endless supply o' Nutrageous barz in tha break-room vendin' machine, an' last but not least, a seven-day work week wit' no muthafukkin' dayz off to fuck wit' mah flow.

Manager Fails To Keep It Short Or Sweet

ADA, OH— Despite his promise, Sbarro manager Bruce Hart failed to keep his talk regarding proper straw-receptacle-refill protocol short or sweet. "He could've just said, 'Don't overstuff the straw dispenser, because it's hard to get them out when you do that,'" cashier Evan Rees said. "Instead, he spent 15 minutes going off about how much straws cost, and how customers don't like it when they have to claw at the dispenser, and how it can be unhygienic if the wrappers get torn." Rees said that Hart occasionally keeps it short or sweet, but never both at the same time.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 12, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will receive frightening news regarding the U.N.'s Council For The Prevention Of Nuclear Terrorism. For one thing, it doesn't exist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    This week, it is neither the heat nor the humidity that's the worst. It's the guy with the two-by-four who runs around hitting people in the face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You had a nagging feeling that your epic prose poem sounded familiar, but you're still embarrassed when friends point out that you've ripped off The Iliad.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will see your fate unfold as through a glass, darkly. This is largely due to your sunglasses.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your arrest and execution for espionage could have been avoided if only you hadn't argued over who would wear the back of the horse suit.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will achieve a form of immortality when you choose a tombstone that's perfect for balancing beer kegs.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham more than you do.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your attempt to explain to the judge that you "just wanted to see what horse laxative smelled like" is met with deep suspicion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your fall from grace will be compared to that of Lucifer, but only in that you both managed to take a chunk of a wall down with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will experience conflicting emotions when, upon coming home next Friday, your friends jump out of hiding, yell "Surprise!," and kill you with axes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will soon be the envy of all your coworkers, who, as luck would have it, are all necrophiliac contract-bridge players.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You have a crazy brother who insists he's a chicken. You'd send him to a doctor, but you need the fried chicken.
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