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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Horoscope for the week of September 12, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will receive frightening news regarding the U.N.'s Council For The Prevention Of Nuclear Terrorism. For one thing, it doesn't exist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This week, it is neither the heat nor the humidity that's the worst. It's the guy with the two-by-four who runs around hitting people in the face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You had a nagging feeling that your epic prose poem sounded familiar, but you're still embarrassed when friends point out that you've ripped off The Iliad.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will see your fate unfold as through a glass, darkly. This is largely due to your sunglasses.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your arrest and execution for espionage could have been avoided if only you hadn't argued over who would wear the back of the horse suit.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve a form of immortality when you choose a tombstone that's perfect for balancing beer kegs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham more than you do.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your attempt to explain to the judge that you "just wanted to see what horse laxative smelled like" is met with deep suspicion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fall from grace will be compared to that of Lucifer, but only in that you both managed to take a chunk of a wall down with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will experience conflicting emotions when, upon coming home next Friday, your friends jump out of hiding, yell "Surprise!," and kill you with axes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon be the envy of all your coworkers, who, as luck would have it, are all necrophiliac contract-bridge players.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You have a crazy brother who insists he's a chicken. You'd send him to a doctor, but you need the fried chicken.

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