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Horoscope for the week of September 12, 2001

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Horoscope for the week of September 12, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will receive frightening news regarding the U.N.'s Council For The Prevention Of Nuclear Terrorism. For one thing, it doesn't exist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This week, it is neither the heat nor the humidity that's the worst. It's the guy with the two-by-four who runs around hitting people in the face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You had a nagging feeling that your epic prose poem sounded familiar, but you're still embarrassed when friends point out that you've ripped off The Iliad.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will see your fate unfold as through a glass, darkly. This is largely due to your sunglasses.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your arrest and execution for espionage could have been avoided if only you hadn't argued over who would wear the back of the horse suit.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve a form of immortality when you choose a tombstone that's perfect for balancing beer kegs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham more than you do.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your attempt to explain to the judge that you "just wanted to see what horse laxative smelled like" is met with deep suspicion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fall from grace will be compared to that of Lucifer, but only in that you both managed to take a chunk of a wall down with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will experience conflicting emotions when, upon coming home next Friday, your friends jump out of hiding, yell "Surprise!," and kill you with axes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon be the envy of all your coworkers, who, as luck would have it, are all necrophiliac contract-bridge players.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You have a crazy brother who insists he's a chicken. You'd send him to a doctor, but you need the fried chicken.

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