adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of September 13, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The Powers That Be have decided you aren't their type. You have been remanded to the custody of the Powers What Is.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You have the tragic flaw of seeing patterns and cosmic meaning where none exist.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Paying close attention to the Sun and Moon signs in Libra isn't anywhere near as important as paying attention to the stop sign on Fourth and Commercial.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will find yourself engaged in a duel with Satan for the custody of your immortal soul, so you'd better brush up on your Adobe Illustrator skills.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be stopped just a few yards short of completing your tri-state killing spree this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your week will eerily mirror the lyrics to the song "Mercedes Boy."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close