Aries | March 21 to April 19
The Powers That Be have decided you aren't their type. You have been remanded to the custody of the Powers What Is.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You have the tragic flaw of seeing patterns and cosmic meaning where none exist.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Paying close attention to the Sun and Moon signs in Libra isn't anywhere near as important as paying attention to the stop sign on Fourth and Commercial.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will find yourself engaged in a duel with Satan for the custody of your immortal soul, so you'd better brush up on your Adobe Illustrator skills.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be stopped just a few yards short of completing your tri-state killing spree this week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your week will eerily mirror the lyrics to the song "Mercedes Boy."
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION