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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of September 13, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The Powers That Be have decided you aren't their type. You have been remanded to the custody of the Powers What Is.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You have the tragic flaw of seeing patterns and cosmic meaning where none exist.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Paying close attention to the Sun and Moon signs in Libra isn't anywhere near as important as paying attention to the stop sign on Fourth and Commercial.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will find yourself engaged in a duel with Satan for the custody of your immortal soul, so you'd better brush up on your Adobe Illustrator skills.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be stopped just a few yards short of completing your tri-state killing spree this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your week will eerily mirror the lyrics to the song "Mercedes Boy."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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