Horoscope for the week of September 15, 1999

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of September 15, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your quest to be the world's greatest lover will fall short, but at least you'll be the world's greatest really close friend.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There is a vast, gray blankness in your sign this week. Wait for this cloud cover to dissipate before asking your fortune.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini is politely asking you to stop shouting things like, "Gemini Cricket!" and "Jumpin' Gemini!" all the time. It's not funny, it's embarrassing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You need to work on having a healthier self-image. Try to forget that you're a stupid, chinless sniveling worm.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your decision to live a more spartan life leads you to attempt to fight off a million Persians at Thermopylae.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Earth and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week, compelling you to track mud all over the house.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars will grant you anything your heart desires. Now, please, put down that shotgun before someone gets hurt.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After your greatest wish comes true, you realize belatedly that not even you can eat an entire ton of beef jerky before it starts to go bad.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your bid to seize the reins of power ends strangely. Enjoy your new job as head of the Department of Water and Power.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The wrath of the Gods will fail to descend upon you yet again this week. Perhaps stealing the secret of fire just isn't that big a deal to them anymore.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If in doubt this week, listen to your heart. That strange whooshing sound is a sure indication that your aortic valve has torn loose.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though the rest of your life will be extremely difficult and filled with heartache, don't despair: At least it will be over soon.