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Horoscope for the week of September 15, 1999

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
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Horoscope for the week of September 15, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your quest to be the world's greatest lover will fall short, but at least you'll be the world's greatest really close friend.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There is a vast, gray blankness in your sign this week. Wait for this cloud cover to dissipate before asking your fortune.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini is politely asking you to stop shouting things like, "Gemini Cricket!" and "Jumpin' Gemini!" all the time. It's not funny, it's embarrassing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You need to work on having a healthier self-image. Try to forget that you're a stupid, chinless sniveling worm.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your decision to live a more spartan life leads you to attempt to fight off a million Persians at Thermopylae.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Earth and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week, compelling you to track mud all over the house.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars will grant you anything your heart desires. Now, please, put down that shotgun before someone gets hurt.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After your greatest wish comes true, you realize belatedly that not even you can eat an entire ton of beef jerky before it starts to go bad.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your bid to seize the reins of power ends strangely. Enjoy your new job as head of the Department of Water and Power.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The wrath of the Gods will fail to descend upon you yet again this week. Perhaps stealing the secret of fire just isn't that big a deal to them anymore.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If in doubt this week, listen to your heart. That strange whooshing sound is a sure indication that your aortic valve has torn loose.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though the rest of your life will be extremely difficult and filled with heartache, don't despair: At least it will be over soon.

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