Horoscope for the week of September 15, 1999

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What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of September 15, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your quest to be the world's greatest lover will fall short, but at least you'll be the world's greatest really close friend.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There is a vast, gray blankness in your sign this week. Wait for this cloud cover to dissipate before asking your fortune.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini is politely asking you to stop shouting things like, "Gemini Cricket!" and "Jumpin' Gemini!" all the time. It's not funny, it's embarrassing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You need to work on having a healthier self-image. Try to forget that you're a stupid, chinless sniveling worm.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your decision to live a more spartan life leads you to attempt to fight off a million Persians at Thermopylae.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Earth and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week, compelling you to track mud all over the house.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars will grant you anything your heart desires. Now, please, put down that shotgun before someone gets hurt.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After your greatest wish comes true, you realize belatedly that not even you can eat an entire ton of beef jerky before it starts to go bad.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your bid to seize the reins of power ends strangely. Enjoy your new job as head of the Department of Water and Power.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The wrath of the Gods will fail to descend upon you yet again this week. Perhaps stealing the secret of fire just isn't that big a deal to them anymore.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If in doubt this week, listen to your heart. That strange whooshing sound is a sure indication that your aortic valve has torn loose.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though the rest of your life will be extremely difficult and filled with heartache, don't despair: At least it will be over soon.