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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of September 15, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your quest to be the world's greatest lover will fall short, but at least you'll be the world's greatest really close friend.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There is a vast, gray blankness in your sign this week. Wait for this cloud cover to dissipate before asking your fortune.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini is politely asking you to stop shouting things like, "Gemini Cricket!" and "Jumpin' Gemini!" all the time. It's not funny, it's embarrassing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You need to work on having a healthier self-image. Try to forget that you're a stupid, chinless sniveling worm.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your decision to live a more spartan life leads you to attempt to fight off a million Persians at Thermopylae.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Earth and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week, compelling you to track mud all over the house.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars will grant you anything your heart desires. Now, please, put down that shotgun before someone gets hurt.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After your greatest wish comes true, you realize belatedly that not even you can eat an entire ton of beef jerky before it starts to go bad.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your bid to seize the reins of power ends strangely. Enjoy your new job as head of the Department of Water and Power.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The wrath of the Gods will fail to descend upon you yet again this week. Perhaps stealing the secret of fire just isn't that big a deal to them anymore.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If in doubt this week, listen to your heart. That strange whooshing sound is a sure indication that your aortic valve has torn loose.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though the rest of your life will be extremely difficult and filled with heartache, don't despair: At least it will be over soon.

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