Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your quest to be the world's greatest lover will fall short, but at least you'll be the world's greatest really close friend.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
There is a vast, gray blankness in your sign this week. Wait for this cloud cover to dissipate before asking your fortune.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Gemini is politely asking you to stop shouting things like, "Gemini Cricket!" and "Jumpin' Gemini!" all the time. It's not funny, it's embarrassing.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You need to work on having a healthier self-image. Try to forget that you're a stupid, chinless sniveling worm.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your decision to live a more spartan life leads you to attempt to fight off a million Persians at Thermopylae.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Earth and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week, compelling you to track mud all over the house.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars will grant you anything your heart desires. Now, please, put down that shotgun before someone gets hurt.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
After your greatest wish comes true, you realize belatedly that not even you can eat an entire ton of beef jerky before it starts to go bad.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your bid to seize the reins of power ends strangely. Enjoy your new job as head of the Department of Water and Power.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The wrath of the Gods will fail to descend upon you yet again this week. Perhaps stealing the secret of fire just isn't that big a deal to them anymore.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
If in doubt this week, listen to your heart. That strange whooshing sound is a sure indication that your aortic valve has torn loose.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Though the rest of your life will be extremely difficult and filled with heartache, don't despair: At least it will be over soon.
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