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Horoscope for the week of September 15, 2004

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Holidays

Horoscope for the week of September 15, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your possession of a mystical third eye would cause less comment if you were also in possession of two regular eyes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It'll be months before you're allowed to show your face at the club again, after you get into a fistfight with the steward over the greatest living coloratura.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week, you'll learn a very important lesson about going for it on fourth down with so much time left on the clock.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're usually pretty careful, so it's worth mentioning when 36 are wounded during your trip to the grocery store.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll wake up feeling pretty certain that the talking gorilla was just a dream, but that doesn't explain the Gorilla-to-English dictionary you find under your pillow.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll do much weeping over what's going to happen to you this week, but because of the nature of the incident, gnashing of teeth won't really be an option.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Chef Gerard Pangaud's signature dishes include sweetbreads with morels, as well as lobster with ginger, lime, and Sauternes, but he's made it clear that they're not for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be the first victim of the soon-to-be-popular "running 1000 volts through the take-a-penny tray" trick.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The presence of Saturn in your sign usually indicates travel or pressing family issues, but it's been there for six months now, so it's probably just out of work again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your mistake at the self-serve pump will be monumental, but at least the amateur astronomers will enjoy watching your orbiting body for the next few weeks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's been said that numbers don't lie, but that was before you had time to work your magic on the rigid little bastards.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The confluence of many mystical signs and portents can only foretell that it's time to give your brother a call.

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