Horoscope for the week of September 15, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of September 15, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your possession of a mystical third eye would cause less comment if you were also in possession of two regular eyes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It'll be months before you're allowed to show your face at the club again, after you get into a fistfight with the steward over the greatest living coloratura.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week, you'll learn a very important lesson about going for it on fourth down with so much time left on the clock.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're usually pretty careful, so it's worth mentioning when 36 are wounded during your trip to the grocery store.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll wake up feeling pretty certain that the talking gorilla was just a dream, but that doesn't explain the Gorilla-to-English dictionary you find under your pillow.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll do much weeping over what's going to happen to you this week, but because of the nature of the incident, gnashing of teeth won't really be an option.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Chef Gerard Pangaud's signature dishes include sweetbreads with morels, as well as lobster with ginger, lime, and Sauternes, but he's made it clear that they're not for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be the first victim of the soon-to-be-popular "running 1000 volts through the take-a-penny tray" trick.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The presence of Saturn in your sign usually indicates travel or pressing family issues, but it's been there for six months now, so it's probably just out of work again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your mistake at the self-serve pump will be monumental, but at least the amateur astronomers will enjoy watching your orbiting body for the next few weeks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's been said that numbers don't lie, but that was before you had time to work your magic on the rigid little bastards.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The confluence of many mystical signs and portents can only foretell that it's time to give your brother a call.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close