Horoscope for the week of September 15, 2004

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 15, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your possession of a mystical third eye would cause less comment if you were also in possession of two regular eyes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It'll be months before you're allowed to show your face at the club again, after you get into a fistfight with the steward over the greatest living coloratura.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week, you'll learn a very important lesson about going for it on fourth down with so much time left on the clock.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're usually pretty careful, so it's worth mentioning when 36 are wounded during your trip to the grocery store.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll wake up feeling pretty certain that the talking gorilla was just a dream, but that doesn't explain the Gorilla-to-English dictionary you find under your pillow.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll do much weeping over what's going to happen to you this week, but because of the nature of the incident, gnashing of teeth won't really be an option.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Chef Gerard Pangaud's signature dishes include sweetbreads with morels, as well as lobster with ginger, lime, and Sauternes, but he's made it clear that they're not for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be the first victim of the soon-to-be-popular "running 1000 volts through the take-a-penny tray" trick.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The presence of Saturn in your sign usually indicates travel or pressing family issues, but it's been there for six months now, so it's probably just out of work again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your mistake at the self-serve pump will be monumental, but at least the amateur astronomers will enjoy watching your orbiting body for the next few weeks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's been said that numbers don't lie, but that was before you had time to work your magic on the rigid little bastards.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The confluence of many mystical signs and portents can only foretell that it's time to give your brother a call.