Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your possession of a mystical third eye would cause less comment if you were also in possession of two regular eyes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It'll be months before you're allowed to show your face at the club again, after you get into a fistfight with the steward over the greatest living coloratura.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
This week, you'll learn a very important lesson about going for it on fourth down with so much time left on the clock.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You're usually pretty careful, so it's worth mentioning when 36 are wounded during your trip to the grocery store.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll wake up feeling pretty certain that the talking gorilla was just a dream, but that doesn't explain the Gorilla-to-English dictionary you find under your pillow.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll do much weeping over what's going to happen to you this week, but because of the nature of the incident, gnashing of teeth won't really be an option.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Chef Gerard Pangaud's signature dishes include sweetbreads with morels, as well as lobster with ginger, lime, and Sauternes, but he's made it clear that they're not for you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll be the first victim of the soon-to-be-popular "running 1000 volts through the take-a-penny tray" trick.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The presence of Saturn in your sign usually indicates travel or pressing family issues, but it's been there for six months now, so it's probably just out of work again.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your mistake at the self-serve pump will be monumental, but at least the amateur astronomers will enjoy watching your orbiting body for the next few weeks.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It's been said that numbers don't lie, but that was before you had time to work your magic on the rigid little bastards.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The confluence of many mystical signs and portents can only foretell that it's time to give your brother a call.
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