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Horoscope for the week of September 15, 2004

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Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of September 15, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your possession of a mystical third eye would cause less comment if you were also in possession of two regular eyes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It'll be months before you're allowed to show your face at the club again, after you get into a fistfight with the steward over the greatest living coloratura.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week, you'll learn a very important lesson about going for it on fourth down with so much time left on the clock.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're usually pretty careful, so it's worth mentioning when 36 are wounded during your trip to the grocery store.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll wake up feeling pretty certain that the talking gorilla was just a dream, but that doesn't explain the Gorilla-to-English dictionary you find under your pillow.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll do much weeping over what's going to happen to you this week, but because of the nature of the incident, gnashing of teeth won't really be an option.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Chef Gerard Pangaud's signature dishes include sweetbreads with morels, as well as lobster with ginger, lime, and Sauternes, but he's made it clear that they're not for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be the first victim of the soon-to-be-popular "running 1000 volts through the take-a-penny tray" trick.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The presence of Saturn in your sign usually indicates travel or pressing family issues, but it's been there for six months now, so it's probably just out of work again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your mistake at the self-serve pump will be monumental, but at least the amateur astronomers will enjoy watching your orbiting body for the next few weeks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's been said that numbers don't lie, but that was before you had time to work your magic on the rigid little bastards.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The confluence of many mystical signs and portents can only foretell that it's time to give your brother a call.

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