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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Horoscope for the week of September 15, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your possession of a mystical third eye would cause less comment if you were also in possession of two regular eyes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It'll be months before you're allowed to show your face at the club again, after you get into a fistfight with the steward over the greatest living coloratura.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week, you'll learn a very important lesson about going for it on fourth down with so much time left on the clock.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're usually pretty careful, so it's worth mentioning when 36 are wounded during your trip to the grocery store.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll wake up feeling pretty certain that the talking gorilla was just a dream, but that doesn't explain the Gorilla-to-English dictionary you find under your pillow.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll do much weeping over what's going to happen to you this week, but because of the nature of the incident, gnashing of teeth won't really be an option.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Chef Gerard Pangaud's signature dishes include sweetbreads with morels, as well as lobster with ginger, lime, and Sauternes, but he's made it clear that they're not for you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be the first victim of the soon-to-be-popular "running 1000 volts through the take-a-penny tray" trick.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The presence of Saturn in your sign usually indicates travel or pressing family issues, but it's been there for six months now, so it's probably just out of work again.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your mistake at the self-serve pump will be monumental, but at least the amateur astronomers will enjoy watching your orbiting body for the next few weeks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's been said that numbers don't lie, but that was before you had time to work your magic on the rigid little bastards.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The confluence of many mystical signs and portents can only foretell that it's time to give your brother a call.
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