Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1997

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Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Satisfaction

Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The rise of Orion in the night sky, combined with the approach of the equinox, is a dire portent. Soon it will become cold, and frozen water shall fall from the sky.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will have vivid, recurring dreams in which you engage in prolonged, intensely satisfying sex with a person of your gender. This indicates that you will soon take a sea journey.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After much soul-searching and a long talk with your family, you decide to dedicate your life to helping the rich.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try as you might, you will not be able to find happiness this week. (Note: Cancer will be on sabbatical through October. Please repeat this horoscope as often as necessary.)
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You awake from a deep, healing sleep to find that you have slept for 10,000 years and science has found a cure for your psoriasis.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Betrayal at the hands of one of your most trusted associates should come as no surprise. You are incapable of inspiring love or trust in anyone.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be branded a traitor to the human race after you give a mysterious, trenchcoat-wearing stranger a light on a lonely street corner, unwittingly giving the secret of fire to the dolphins and finally making their conquest of Earth possible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You inspire a folksy phrase when you accidentally throw out your infant child with some bathwater.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You have once again failed to find love. Sagittarius respectfully asks you to give up and stop wasting both our time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An energetic, vigorous, lusty young Cancer will sweep you away this week. Chemotherapy will not help.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be found guilty of conduct leading to loss of life after you decide it would be fun to greet the pizza deliveryman naked.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be given the Legion of Honor by the French for crocheting an adorable pink, yellow and blue cover for the Eiffel Tower.