Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1997

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Vol 32 Issue 07

Airline Food Under Fire From Area Comedian

ROYAL OAK, MI—The airline industry is reeling following a scathing indictment of its in-flight cuisine Saturday by stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli. "How about that chicken breast? It tastes like Wayne Gretzky ought to be shooting it on goal," said Campanelli, publicly blasting the food served by major air carriers in a speech delivered at the House O' Yuks in Royal Oak. "Guys," added Campanelli, addressing the nation's pilots, "you've got the planes. Fly in some fresh ingredients!" No airline has yet issued a response.

Sales Disappointing For First-Ever Hustler Swimsuit Issue

LOS ANGELES—Spokespersons for Larry Flynt Publications are scrambling to explain the poor sales of Hustler magazine's first annual swimsuit issue, crammed from cover to cover with beautiful young women modeling the latest sexy swimwear. "We are utterly baffled," LFP public relations director Kenneth Micklos said of the issue, which sold 17 newsstand copies nationwide. "Our readership demographic is overwhelmingly heterosexual and male, with a strong interest in looking at beautiful women. It's a mystery."

Rwanda Gets Plant

KIGALI, RWANDA—Wracked by years of famine and political unrest, Rwanda bought a plant in an effort to "brighten things up."

U.S. Agriculture Secretary: 'Aw, Let's Not Do Farming Anymore'

DES MOINES, IA—Citing the massive economic woes plaguing the nation's farmers and the severe physical hardship of farming itself, U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Dan Glickman announced Monday that he would like to "forget about the whole farming thing altogether."

Local Dad Gets This Show On The Road

ASHEVILLE, NC—Citing an abundance of great things to do in Virginia Beach and a limited amount of time in which to do them, area husband and father of three Ed Minton strongly urged his family to get this show on the road Friday. "Let's go, let's go, let's go," said Minton, eager to get his wife and children into their Dodge Caravan and begin a "super-duper fun" family weekend getaway. After a 40-minute delay, the show finally got on the road at approximately 2 p.m., when Minton's wife and children finally decided to chop-chop.

Bluesman Announces 12-Bar Delay In Bringing It On Home

CHICAGO—Area bluesman Willie "Skipbone" Johnson announced plans late Saturday to extend his rendition of the Robert Johnson standard "Dust My Broom" by an additional 12 bars before recapitulating the chorus and bringing it on home.

Merry Zweibelmas To You!

The season of the Zweibelmas-tide is upon us at long last! Only a few shopping-days remain before Sept. 21, the glorious and solemn Day of the Zweibelmas itself. Several months ago in this space I advised my readers to begin preparations for this most holy and auspicious event, which celebrates all things Zweibel. Well, now it is time to behead the fatted ox, eat blood-pudding, and grease the staircase! Zweibelmas is upon us!
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Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    The rise of Orion in the night sky, combined with the approach of the equinox, is a dire portent. Soon it will become cold, and frozen water shall fall from the sky.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will have vivid, recurring dreams in which you engage in prolonged, intensely satisfying sex with a person of your gender. This indicates that you will soon take a sea journey.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    After much soul-searching and a long talk with your family, you decide to dedicate your life to helping the rich.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Try as you might, you will not be able to find happiness this week. (Note: Cancer will be on sabbatical through October. Please repeat this horoscope as often as necessary.)
  • Leo

    Leo

    You awake from a deep, healing sleep to find that you have slept for 10,000 years and science has found a cure for your psoriasis.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Betrayal at the hands of one of your most trusted associates should come as no surprise. You are incapable of inspiring love or trust in anyone.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will be branded a traitor to the human race after you give a mysterious, trenchcoat-wearing stranger a light on a lonely street corner, unwittingly giving the secret of fire to the dolphins and finally making their conquest of Earth possible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You inspire a folksy phrase when you accidentally throw out your infant child with some bathwater.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You have once again failed to find love. Sagittarius respectfully asks you to give up and stop wasting both our time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    An energetic, vigorous, lusty young Cancer will sweep you away this week. Chemotherapy will not help.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will be found guilty of conduct leading to loss of life after you decide it would be fun to greet the pizza deliveryman naked.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will be given the Legion of Honor by the French for crocheting an adorable pink, yellow and blue cover for the Eiffel Tower.
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