Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1997

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The rise of Orion in the night sky, combined with the approach of the equinox, is a dire portent. Soon it will become cold, and frozen water shall fall from the sky.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will have vivid, recurring dreams in which you engage in prolonged, intensely satisfying sex with a person of your gender. This indicates that you will soon take a sea journey.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After much soul-searching and a long talk with your family, you decide to dedicate your life to helping the rich.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try as you might, you will not be able to find happiness this week. (Note: Cancer will be on sabbatical through October. Please repeat this horoscope as often as necessary.)
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You awake from a deep, healing sleep to find that you have slept for 10,000 years and science has found a cure for your psoriasis.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Betrayal at the hands of one of your most trusted associates should come as no surprise. You are incapable of inspiring love or trust in anyone.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be branded a traitor to the human race after you give a mysterious, trenchcoat-wearing stranger a light on a lonely street corner, unwittingly giving the secret of fire to the dolphins and finally making their conquest of Earth possible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You inspire a folksy phrase when you accidentally throw out your infant child with some bathwater.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You have once again failed to find love. Sagittarius respectfully asks you to give up and stop wasting both our time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An energetic, vigorous, lusty young Cancer will sweep you away this week. Chemotherapy will not help.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be found guilty of conduct leading to loss of life after you decide it would be fun to greet the pizza deliveryman naked.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be given the Legion of Honor by the French for crocheting an adorable pink, yellow and blue cover for the Eiffel Tower.