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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The rise of Orion in the night sky, combined with the approach of the equinox, is a dire portent. Soon it will become cold, and frozen water shall fall from the sky.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will have vivid, recurring dreams in which you engage in prolonged, intensely satisfying sex with a person of your gender. This indicates that you will soon take a sea journey.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After much soul-searching and a long talk with your family, you decide to dedicate your life to helping the rich.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try as you might, you will not be able to find happiness this week. (Note: Cancer will be on sabbatical through October. Please repeat this horoscope as often as necessary.)
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You awake from a deep, healing sleep to find that you have slept for 10,000 years and science has found a cure for your psoriasis.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Betrayal at the hands of one of your most trusted associates should come as no surprise. You are incapable of inspiring love or trust in anyone.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be branded a traitor to the human race after you give a mysterious, trenchcoat-wearing stranger a light on a lonely street corner, unwittingly giving the secret of fire to the dolphins and finally making their conquest of Earth possible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You inspire a folksy phrase when you accidentally throw out your infant child with some bathwater.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You have once again failed to find love. Sagittarius respectfully asks you to give up and stop wasting both our time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An energetic, vigorous, lusty young Cancer will sweep you away this week. Chemotherapy will not help.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be found guilty of conduct leading to loss of life after you decide it would be fun to greet the pizza deliveryman naked.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be given the Legion of Honor by the French for crocheting an adorable pink, yellow and blue cover for the Eiffel Tower.
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