adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1998

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life this week will be characterized by the same quiet dignity that Ruth Buzzi brought to Chu Chu & The Philly Flash.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will lose all of your fingers in a folk-music accident when you discover that ìsinging sawsî are not generally of the industrial 240-volt variety.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It is significant that Mars is in your sign this week. This means that it must be mid-September 1998.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars greatly admire your desire to work with children, but warn that driving a busload of orphans is probably asking for trouble.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Falling from a six-story building into a vat of burning lard will soon be known as ìpulling a Leoî in your honor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have a strong impulse to strike at the very foundations of society this week. Refuse to take proper care of your lawn no matter what anyone says.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, shortly after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Any hope youíve had of becoming a competent computer programmer will disappear forever, leaving you strangely relieved.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will come across a sign that reads, ìYOU ARE HERE.î Only you can truly say what, if any, spiritual significance this vision holds.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The celestial portents indicate that you will soon achieve lasting happiness and a deep sense of well-being. Remember, though, that Capricorn has been hitting the bottle pretty hard lately.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Family expenses threaten to bankrupt you next week, until you find an undertaker who offers a special ìfive for the price of oneî Aquarius discount.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The approaching equinox means only one thing for Pisces: Itís time to get that dumbass Rick another birthday card.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close