Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your life this week will be characterized by the same quiet dignity that Ruth Buzzi brought to Chu Chu & The Philly Flash.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will lose all of your fingers in a folk-music accident when you discover that ìsinging sawsî are not generally of the industrial 240-volt variety.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It is significant that Mars is in your sign this week. This means that it must be mid-September 1998.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars greatly admire your desire to work with children, but warn that driving a busload of orphans is probably asking for trouble.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Falling from a six-story building into a vat of burning lard will soon be known as ìpulling a Leoî in your honor.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will have a strong impulse to strike at the very foundations of society this week. Refuse to take proper care of your lawn no matter what anyone says.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, shortly after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobes.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Any hope youíve had of becoming a competent computer programmer will disappear forever, leaving you strangely relieved.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will come across a sign that reads, ìYOU ARE HERE.î Only you can truly say what, if any, spiritual significance this vision holds.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The celestial portents indicate that you will soon achieve lasting happiness and a deep sense of well-being. Remember, though, that Capricorn has been hitting the bottle pretty hard lately.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Family expenses threaten to bankrupt you next week, until you find an undertaker who offers a special ìfive for the price of oneî Aquarius discount.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The approaching equinox means only one thing for Pisces: Itís time to get that dumbass Rick another birthday card.
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