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Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1998

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life this week will be characterized by the same quiet dignity that Ruth Buzzi brought to Chu Chu & The Philly Flash.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will lose all of your fingers in a folk-music accident when you discover that ìsinging sawsî are not generally of the industrial 240-volt variety.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It is significant that Mars is in your sign this week. This means that it must be mid-September 1998.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars greatly admire your desire to work with children, but warn that driving a busload of orphans is probably asking for trouble.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Falling from a six-story building into a vat of burning lard will soon be known as ìpulling a Leoî in your honor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have a strong impulse to strike at the very foundations of society this week. Refuse to take proper care of your lawn no matter what anyone says.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, shortly after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Any hope youíve had of becoming a competent computer programmer will disappear forever, leaving you strangely relieved.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will come across a sign that reads, ìYOU ARE HERE.î Only you can truly say what, if any, spiritual significance this vision holds.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The celestial portents indicate that you will soon achieve lasting happiness and a deep sense of well-being. Remember, though, that Capricorn has been hitting the bottle pretty hard lately.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Family expenses threaten to bankrupt you next week, until you find an undertaker who offers a special ìfive for the price of oneî Aquarius discount.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The approaching equinox means only one thing for Pisces: Itís time to get that dumbass Rick another birthday card.

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