Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1998

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life this week will be characterized by the same quiet dignity that Ruth Buzzi brought to Chu Chu & The Philly Flash.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will lose all of your fingers in a folk-music accident when you discover that ìsinging sawsî are not generally of the industrial 240-volt variety.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It is significant that Mars is in your sign this week. This means that it must be mid-September 1998.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars greatly admire your desire to work with children, but warn that driving a busload of orphans is probably asking for trouble.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Falling from a six-story building into a vat of burning lard will soon be known as ìpulling a Leoî in your honor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have a strong impulse to strike at the very foundations of society this week. Refuse to take proper care of your lawn no matter what anyone says.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, shortly after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Any hope youíve had of becoming a competent computer programmer will disappear forever, leaving you strangely relieved.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will come across a sign that reads, ìYOU ARE HERE.î Only you can truly say what, if any, spiritual significance this vision holds.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The celestial portents indicate that you will soon achieve lasting happiness and a deep sense of well-being. Remember, though, that Capricorn has been hitting the bottle pretty hard lately.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Family expenses threaten to bankrupt you next week, until you find an undertaker who offers a special ìfive for the price of oneî Aquarius discount.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The approaching equinox means only one thing for Pisces: Itís time to get that dumbass Rick another birthday card.