Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1998

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Vol 34 Issue 07

Archaeologists Discover Strata Of Welcome Back, Kotter Merchandise

UNIONTOWN, PA—Archaeologists at a dig site in southwestern Pennsylvania have discovered a layer of the Earth's crust consisting entirely of Welcome Back, Kotter merchandise. "The strata we have discovered, located approximately 15 feet beneath the surface, dates to the mid-1970s and consists of items ranging from posters of Sweathog leader Vinnie Barbarino to lunchboxes depicting Arnold Horshack," head archaeologist Adrian Richelieu said. It is the largest such find since 1989, when archaeologists near Albuquerque, NM, discovered a 20-foot-thick layer of T.J. Hooker Trapper Keepers.

Public-Speaking Student To Make Point Of Gesturing

ABILENE, TX—Jonathan Cranland, president of the Eisenhower High School public-speaking club, announced Tuesday that he will gesture for emphasis during Friday's public-speaking district finals. "When I read the Gettysburg Address," Cranland said, "I will lend weight to key passages with dramatic hand flourishes, impressing upon judges and audience members alike the importance of said passages." Cranland added that he is also strongly considering thumping the podium or shaking his fist. "People will see how serious I am if I shake my fist," he said. "If I simultaneously shake my fist and raise my voice, that will be an overwhelming double whammy."

Trinidad And Tobago Issues Commemorative Leonardo DiCaprio Postage Stamp

PORT-OF-SPAIN, TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO—The Caribbean nation of Trinidad And Tobago honored actor Leonardo DiCaprio Monday with a special commemorative postage stamp, available for a limited time only. "The government of Trinidad And Tobago wishes to recognize Mr. DiCaprio for his truly 'titanic' performance in the blockbuster film that has passed Star Wars as the all-time box-office champ," Prime Minister Basdeo Panday said. "This attractive stamp, sold in collector's sheets of 27 for just $34.99, is a fitting tribute for such a man." Among the luminaries previously honored by the Trinidad And Tobago Postal Service: John Lennon, Princess Diana and Popeye.

Sing A Happy Tune

My nurse gave me a particularly cleansing enema to-day, and now I feel rather giddy and as light as a soap-bubble. What to do? Hunt pheasant? Dance a jig? I know! Let us sing a gay round!

Keep Smiling!

You know, being a columnist can be tough sometimes. After all, I think I've just about exhausted every last topic worth discussing. Beanie Babies, chocolate, karaoke, cats--you name it, I've talked about it! What more is there?

Making Your Marriage Last

With the divorce rate at 50 percent, lifelong wedded bliss is far from guaranteed for married couples. Here are some tips to help keep the flame of love burning years after that walk down the aisle.

There Will Be An 80-Foot Statue Of Daniel J. Travanti If I Have To Build It Myself

One of the fundamental problems with America today, as a nation and a television audience, is a lack of reverence. We lack reverence for the elderly. We lack reverence for those who served our country in war. And, above all, we lack reverence for Hill Street Blues star Daniel J. Travanti. That is why I swear to you, before God Himself, that there will be an 80-foot statue of Daniel J. Travanti if I have to build it myself.

Fatal Spaz Attack Claims Life Of Area Spaz

CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO—Friends and family are remembering Gilbert Wilkinson as a "total spaz" following his fatal spaz attack Tuesday at the Golden Palace Dance & Supper Club in Cape Girardeau. "We were dancing and laughing and just having a very nice time when, out of nowhere, he completely spazzed out," wife Louise Wilkinson said. "His arms were flailing wildly, and he was bouncing all over the place like a complete spaz. Gilbert had had spaz attacks before, but as soon as he started spazzing, I could tell this was the Big One." Funeral arrangements will be announced as soon as members of Wilkinson's family, also complete spazzes, stop spazzing out over his death.

Prime-Time 'Toons

From South Park to King Of The Hill to NBC's new Stressed Eric, animated shows are everywhere these days. Why so many cartoons?
End Of Section
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your life this week will be characterized by the same quiet dignity that Ruth Buzzi brought to Chu Chu & The Philly Flash.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will lose all of your fingers in a folk-music accident when you discover that ìsinging sawsî are not generally of the industrial 240-volt variety.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It is significant that Mars is in your sign this week. This means that it must be mid-September 1998.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars greatly admire your desire to work with children, but warn that driving a busload of orphans is probably asking for trouble.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Falling from a six-story building into a vat of burning lard will soon be known as ìpulling a Leoî in your honor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will have a strong impulse to strike at the very foundations of society this week. Refuse to take proper care of your lawn no matter what anyone says.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, shortly after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Any hope youíve had of becoming a competent computer programmer will disappear forever, leaving you strangely relieved.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will come across a sign that reads, ìYOU ARE HERE.î Only you can truly say what, if any, spiritual significance this vision holds.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The celestial portents indicate that you will soon achieve lasting happiness and a deep sense of well-being. Remember, though, that Capricorn has been hitting the bottle pretty hard lately.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Family expenses threaten to bankrupt you next week, until you find an undertaker who offers a special ìfive for the price of oneî Aquarius discount.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The approaching equinox means only one thing for Pisces: Itís time to get that dumbass Rick another birthday card.
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