Horoscope for the week of September 17, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 36

Supreme Court Gets Free Box Of Shoes After Mentioning Nike In Ruling

WASHINGTON, DC—The nine justices of the U.S. Supreme Court were treated to a free crate of athletic shoes Monday, following an offhand mention of Nike during a ruling in the case of McBrayer & Company v. The City Of Detroit. "All I did was say that the claims made by the defendant were similar to those made by Nike when defending labor conditions in its Asian footwear factories," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said. "Next thing you know, we get this big box of red Air Zoom Spiridons in the mail. Inside the box was a form letter from Nike's publicist. Sweet!" The Supreme Court will begin its new session Oct. 6, with Case 03-130: Sony High-Definition Widescreen Televisions v. Fossil Sterling Silver Multifunction Watches v. Bombay Sapphire Gin.

Change In Bus Seats Taken Personally

ST. LOUIS—Bus passenger Dan Pohl was offended by 26-year-old fellow rider Lana Peters Monday when she moved from the bus seat beside him to a seat closer to the door. "What? I'm not good enough to sit next to?" Pohl thought. "Go on and move then." Peters was unavailable for comment, as she exited the bus at the next stop. 

School Friends Don't Find Camp Songs Funny

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Friends of fourth-grader Kendra Tyler failed to find her songs about Eagle Waters Junior Camp funny, 9-year-old classmate Tanya O'Doole reported Monday. "Kendra kept singing this one song that sounds like 'Camptown Races,' but it's about some guy named Counselor Bob," O'Doole said. "She was acting like it was so great, but it didn't even make any sense. I mean, what's a Prospect Peak, anyway?" Tyler's friends were similarly uninterested in doing the Eagle Wing Dance.

Indian-American Couple's Accent Makes Fight Adorable

SAN DIEGO—A witness to an argument between Indian-Americans Soumitra and Vineeta Chattergee reported Monday that she thoroughly enjoyed the vicious fight. "They were at each other's throats, arguing about which one wrote the check that caused an overdraft," said eyewitness Shelly Knight, who was delighted by the heated exchange while standing in line at Citibank. "Usually, I can't stand it when couples go at it in public, but that accent made them sound so cute." Knight added that she was slightly disappointed when Soumitra stormed out.

The Ban On Travel To Cuba

The House of Representatives recently voted to end the decades-old restriction prohibiting travel to Cuba. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 17, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll be exonerated when the grand jury admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes, which is why the Japanese will launch a bombing raid on you Sunday.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Once again, you'll drink yourself into insensibility while watching the videotape of your 1997 Where Are They Now? segment.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will have a violent argument with a pastor, a congressman, and a judge over how many wrongs make a right.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll try to maintain a healthy perspective, but you can't shake the feeling that $87 billion is a whole hell of a lot of money.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll always have someone standing at your side to love you, no matter how many times you try to escape by skipping town in the middle of the night.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would be inspiring if you didn't fail each challenge.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    In today's high-tech business world, it's good to pause a moment to remember that you're there to sell truckload after truckload of dildos.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Despite what the doctor says, you don't have a heart problem. You get excited, your heart stops, you fall down—no problem!!!
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.
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