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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Horoscope for the week of September 17, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be exonerated when the grand jury admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes, which is why the Japanese will launch a bombing raid on you Sunday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, you'll drink yourself into insensibility while watching the videotape of your 1997 Where Are They Now? segment.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have a violent argument with a pastor, a congressman, and a judge over how many wrongs make a right.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll try to maintain a healthy perspective, but you can't shake the feeling that $87 billion is a whole hell of a lot of money.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll always have someone standing at your side to love you, no matter how many times you try to escape by skipping town in the middle of the night.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would be inspiring if you didn't fail each challenge.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In today's high-tech business world, it's good to pause a moment to remember that you're there to sell truckload after truckload of dildos.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite what the doctor says, you don't have a heart problem. You get excited, your heart stops, you fall down—no problem!!!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.

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