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Horoscope for the week of September 17, 2003

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of September 17, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be exonerated when the grand jury admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes, which is why the Japanese will launch a bombing raid on you Sunday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, you'll drink yourself into insensibility while watching the videotape of your 1997 Where Are They Now? segment.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have a violent argument with a pastor, a congressman, and a judge over how many wrongs make a right.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll try to maintain a healthy perspective, but you can't shake the feeling that $87 billion is a whole hell of a lot of money.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll always have someone standing at your side to love you, no matter how many times you try to escape by skipping town in the middle of the night.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would be inspiring if you didn't fail each challenge.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In today's high-tech business world, it's good to pause a moment to remember that you're there to sell truckload after truckload of dildos.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite what the doctor says, you don't have a heart problem. You get excited, your heart stops, you fall down—no problem!!!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.

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