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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of September 17, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be exonerated when the grand jury admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes, which is why the Japanese will launch a bombing raid on you Sunday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, you'll drink yourself into insensibility while watching the videotape of your 1997 Where Are They Now? segment.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have a violent argument with a pastor, a congressman, and a judge over how many wrongs make a right.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll try to maintain a healthy perspective, but you can't shake the feeling that $87 billion is a whole hell of a lot of money.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll always have someone standing at your side to love you, no matter how many times you try to escape by skipping town in the middle of the night.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would be inspiring if you didn't fail each challenge.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In today's high-tech business world, it's good to pause a moment to remember that you're there to sell truckload after truckload of dildos.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite what the doctor says, you don't have a heart problem. You get excited, your heart stops, you fall down—no problem!!!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.

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