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Horoscope for the week of September 17, 2003

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of September 17, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be exonerated when the grand jury admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes, which is why the Japanese will launch a bombing raid on you Sunday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, you'll drink yourself into insensibility while watching the videotape of your 1997 Where Are They Now? segment.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have a violent argument with a pastor, a congressman, and a judge over how many wrongs make a right.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll try to maintain a healthy perspective, but you can't shake the feeling that $87 billion is a whole hell of a lot of money.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll always have someone standing at your side to love you, no matter how many times you try to escape by skipping town in the middle of the night.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would be inspiring if you didn't fail each challenge.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In today's high-tech business world, it's good to pause a moment to remember that you're there to sell truckload after truckload of dildos.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite what the doctor says, you don't have a heart problem. You get excited, your heart stops, you fall down—no problem!!!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.

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