Horoscope for the week of September 18, 1996

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 18, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed— except you!
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A delicious cream-filled pastry from one of the city's finest bakeries will do nothing to sate your unholy craving for cock.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Alternative rockers Pearl Jam are abandoned on your doorstep by their mother. Do not under any circumstances allow them inside your home.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All the mayflies, caddisflies and mealworms you could ever desire will be yours if you play your bait shop cards right this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A helpful household hint you provide a neighbor will result in her horrible death by cleansing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn ascendant in your sign is an omen of profound religious plight. Steer clear of Saturn dealers this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Profit and satisfaction can be gained this week by feigning a grand "mall" seizure at the Mall of America.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    New mindscapes open before you when your cat's ear mites bore their way into your brain's temporal lobe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your shock will be mixed with a sense of indignation and embarrassment when a gritty band of cattle rustlers steals your spouse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone will laugh at the come-uppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Obviously, the only solution to your problems is suicide. Ingest an entire bottle of child-strength pain reliever and run yourself through an electric pencil sharpener feet first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become the darling of the fall fashion season when haute couture designers Ralph Lauren, Bill Blass and Calvin Klein dress you at gunpoint.
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