Horoscope for the week of September 18, 1996

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Vol 30 Issue 06

The Gay Marriage Debate

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?

Area Man Demands More Starches

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Dissatisfied with his current levels of intake, Leonard Bierski, a 44-year-old Terre Haute-area plumber, publicly demanded a "serious increase" in his already prodigious consumption of starches. "Rice, potatoes, corn and wheat products," said the overweight Bierski, his mouth stuffed with Doritos and french fries. "I want a lot more." Bierski, who has eaten two salads in the past 14 years, said he will not rest until his diet is composed solely of carbohydrate-rich foods. "Spaghetti," he added. "Cocoa Pebbles."

Naturist Retreat Ends In Boner

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—After more than three days of hiking, canoeing and other outdoor activities, a naturist/nudist outing concluded yesterday with a large boner. "By the time the retreat had ended, there were lots of tired people, worn out from a long weekend of fun but strenuous activity," said Dale Pursner, tour leader for the Southern Exposure Naturist Getaways outing. "There also were a lot of stiffies."

Defense Department Holds Bake Sale To Buy Bomber

WASHINGTON, DC—In what was called "a great day" by the nation's educators, a cash-strapped Defense Department held a bake sale in the Pentagon courtyard yesterday to raise money for a new B-1 Bomber. "Gen. William A. Bratton told me we were about $220 million short for the brand-new bomber we all had our hearts set on, so I decided we should hold a big bake sale," said Col. Charles T. Lathrop, who, according to unnamed Pentagon insiders, made more than two dozen lemon cupcakes for the event. "So far, we've raised over 65 dollars." The department plans to follow up the sale with a car wash.

Earth Explodes

EARTH—In a move astronomers are calling "surprising," the planet earth violently exploded yesterday, shattering into billions of tiny fragments and killing all life existing on it. "From all indications, the planet just spontaneously combusted," said James Frye of Stanford's Palomar Observatory. "We'll know more after we examine soil samples."

Kemp Unveils New Poolside Economics Plan

KEY WEST, FL—With a banana daiquiri in one hand and a jaw-dropping blonde in the other, Republican vice-presidential candidiate Jack Kemp yesterday unveiled his new "poolside" economic plan.

Snobs, Slobs Face Off at Area Country Club

The elite Bushcrest Country Club was turned upside-down yesterday, as a throng of unkempt, drunken slobs descended upon the normally reserved social institution, terrorizing its uptight member snobs and stirring up all sorts of general mayhem.
End Of Section
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Spring

Horoscope for the week of September 18, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries

    Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed— except you!
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    A delicious cream-filled pastry from one of the city's finest bakeries will do nothing to sate your unholy craving for cock.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Alternative rockers Pearl Jam are abandoned on your doorstep by their mother. Do not under any circumstances allow them inside your home.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    All the mayflies, caddisflies and mealworms you could ever desire will be yours if you play your bait shop cards right this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    A helpful household hint you provide a neighbor will result in her horrible death by cleansing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Saturn ascendant in your sign is an omen of profound religious plight. Steer clear of Saturn dealers this week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Profit and satisfaction can be gained this week by feigning a grand "mall" seizure at the Mall of America.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    New mindscapes open before you when your cat's ear mites bore their way into your brain's temporal lobe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your shock will be mixed with a sense of indignation and embarrassment when a gritty band of cattle rustlers steals your spouse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Everyone will laugh at the come-uppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Obviously, the only solution to your problems is suicide. Ingest an entire bottle of child-strength pain reliever and run yourself through an electric pencil sharpener feet first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will become the darling of the fall fashion season when haute couture designers Ralph Lauren, Bill Blass and Calvin Klein dress you at gunpoint.
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