Horoscope for the week of September 18, 1996

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What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of September 18, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed— except you!
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A delicious cream-filled pastry from one of the city's finest bakeries will do nothing to sate your unholy craving for cock.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Alternative rockers Pearl Jam are abandoned on your doorstep by their mother. Do not under any circumstances allow them inside your home.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All the mayflies, caddisflies and mealworms you could ever desire will be yours if you play your bait shop cards right this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A helpful household hint you provide a neighbor will result in her horrible death by cleansing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn ascendant in your sign is an omen of profound religious plight. Steer clear of Saturn dealers this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Profit and satisfaction can be gained this week by feigning a grand "mall" seizure at the Mall of America.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    New mindscapes open before you when your cat's ear mites bore their way into your brain's temporal lobe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your shock will be mixed with a sense of indignation and embarrassment when a gritty band of cattle rustlers steals your spouse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone will laugh at the come-uppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Obviously, the only solution to your problems is suicide. Ingest an entire bottle of child-strength pain reliever and run yourself through an electric pencil sharpener feet first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become the darling of the fall fashion season when haute couture designers Ralph Lauren, Bill Blass and Calvin Klein dress you at gunpoint.