Horoscope for the week of September 18, 1996

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of September 18, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed— except you!
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A delicious cream-filled pastry from one of the city's finest bakeries will do nothing to sate your unholy craving for cock.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Alternative rockers Pearl Jam are abandoned on your doorstep by their mother. Do not under any circumstances allow them inside your home.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All the mayflies, caddisflies and mealworms you could ever desire will be yours if you play your bait shop cards right this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A helpful household hint you provide a neighbor will result in her horrible death by cleansing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn ascendant in your sign is an omen of profound religious plight. Steer clear of Saturn dealers this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Profit and satisfaction can be gained this week by feigning a grand "mall" seizure at the Mall of America.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    New mindscapes open before you when your cat's ear mites bore their way into your brain's temporal lobe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your shock will be mixed with a sense of indignation and embarrassment when a gritty band of cattle rustlers steals your spouse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone will laugh at the come-uppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Obviously, the only solution to your problems is suicide. Ingest an entire bottle of child-strength pain reliever and run yourself through an electric pencil sharpener feet first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become the darling of the fall fashion season when haute couture designers Ralph Lauren, Bill Blass and Calvin Klein dress you at gunpoint.


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