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Horoscope for the week of September 18, 1996

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of September 18, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed— except you!
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A delicious cream-filled pastry from one of the city's finest bakeries will do nothing to sate your unholy craving for cock.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Alternative rockers Pearl Jam are abandoned on your doorstep by their mother. Do not under any circumstances allow them inside your home.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All the mayflies, caddisflies and mealworms you could ever desire will be yours if you play your bait shop cards right this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A helpful household hint you provide a neighbor will result in her horrible death by cleansing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn ascendant in your sign is an omen of profound religious plight. Steer clear of Saturn dealers this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Profit and satisfaction can be gained this week by feigning a grand "mall" seizure at the Mall of America.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    New mindscapes open before you when your cat's ear mites bore their way into your brain's temporal lobe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your shock will be mixed with a sense of indignation and embarrassment when a gritty band of cattle rustlers steals your spouse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone will laugh at the come-uppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Obviously, the only solution to your problems is suicide. Ingest an entire bottle of child-strength pain reliever and run yourself through an electric pencil sharpener feet first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become the darling of the fall fashion season when haute couture designers Ralph Lauren, Bill Blass and Calvin Klein dress you at gunpoint.

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