Aries | March 21 to April 19
Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed— except you!
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A delicious cream-filled pastry from one of the city's finest bakeries will do nothing to sate your unholy craving for cock.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Alternative rockers Pearl Jam are abandoned on your doorstep by their mother. Do not under any circumstances allow them inside your home.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
All the mayflies, caddisflies and mealworms you could ever desire will be yours if you play your bait shop cards right this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A helpful household hint you provide a neighbor will result in her horrible death by cleansing.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Saturn ascendant in your sign is an omen of profound religious plight. Steer clear of Saturn dealers this week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Profit and satisfaction can be gained this week by feigning a grand "mall" seizure at the Mall of America.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
New mindscapes open before you when your cat's ear mites bore their way into your brain's temporal lobe.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your shock will be mixed with a sense of indignation and embarrassment when a gritty band of cattle rustlers steals your spouse.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Everyone will laugh at the come-uppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Obviously, the only solution to your problems is suicide. Ingest an entire bottle of child-strength pain reliever and run yourself through an electric pencil sharpener feet first.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will become the darling of the fall fashion season when haute couture designers Ralph Lauren, Bill Blass and Calvin Klein dress you at gunpoint.
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