Horoscope for the week of September 18, 2002

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of September 18, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life is becoming boring, particularly to the people watching through the little peepholes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll deliver triplets in an elevator this week, even though they aren't due for three months and the elevator isn't stuck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You were brought up to love and fear God, but it's women who you truly love and fear.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life has been a wonderful and varied symphony, but the bassoon, lower brass, and tympani are getting more minor-key solos this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always been ready for when push comes to shove, but you'll be unprepared when push comes to uppercut, broken bottle, and meat saw.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're going to get one more chance to make it right. However, please note that in this case "it" refers not to your life but to beef Wellington.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll fail to deal with a personal tragedy this week, wasting all of your time trying to determine whether you deserved it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your dream of becoming an accountant is ruined forever when economic circumstances force you to found and direct a modern dance troupe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you consider yourself a master of anal sex, you're just a strange combination of hyper-organization and raw sensuality.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your future is wide open, an endless ocean of possibilities, as long as you do nothing that takes more than three days.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars have decided that your life needs no changes, at least from their perspective.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Drugs and alcohol are not the answer to your problems. Then again, hard work and self-reliance are, so drugs and alcohol will have to do.


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