Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your life is becoming boring, particularly to the people watching through the little peepholes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll deliver triplets in an elevator this week, even though they aren't due for three months and the elevator isn't stuck.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You were brought up to love and fear God, but it's women who you truly love and fear.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your life has been a wonderful and varied symphony, but the bassoon, lower brass, and tympani are getting more minor-key solos this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You've always been ready for when push comes to shove, but you'll be unprepared when push comes to uppercut, broken bottle, and meat saw.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You're going to get one more chance to make it right. However, please note that in this case "it" refers not to your life but to beef Wellington.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll fail to deal with a personal tragedy this week, wasting all of your time trying to determine whether you deserved it.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your dream of becoming an accountant is ruined forever when economic circumstances force you to found and direct a modern dance troupe.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Though you consider yourself a master of anal sex, you're just a strange combination of hyper-organization and raw sensuality.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your future is wide open, an endless ocean of possibilities, as long as you do nothing that takes more than three days.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars have decided that your life needs no changes, at least from their perspective.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Drugs and alcohol are not the answer to your problems. Then again, hard work and self-reliance are, so drugs and alcohol will have to do.
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