adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of September 18, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life is becoming boring, particularly to the people watching through the little peepholes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll deliver triplets in an elevator this week, even though they aren't due for three months and the elevator isn't stuck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You were brought up to love and fear God, but it's women who you truly love and fear.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life has been a wonderful and varied symphony, but the bassoon, lower brass, and tympani are getting more minor-key solos this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always been ready for when push comes to shove, but you'll be unprepared when push comes to uppercut, broken bottle, and meat saw.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're going to get one more chance to make it right. However, please note that in this case "it" refers not to your life but to beef Wellington.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll fail to deal with a personal tragedy this week, wasting all of your time trying to determine whether you deserved it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your dream of becoming an accountant is ruined forever when economic circumstances force you to found and direct a modern dance troupe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you consider yourself a master of anal sex, you're just a strange combination of hyper-organization and raw sensuality.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your future is wide open, an endless ocean of possibilities, as long as you do nothing that takes more than three days.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars have decided that your life needs no changes, at least from their perspective.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Drugs and alcohol are not the answer to your problems. Then again, hard work and self-reliance are, so drugs and alcohol will have to do.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close