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Horoscope for the week of September 18, 2002

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of September 18, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life is becoming boring, particularly to the people watching through the little peepholes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll deliver triplets in an elevator this week, even though they aren't due for three months and the elevator isn't stuck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You were brought up to love and fear God, but it's women who you truly love and fear.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life has been a wonderful and varied symphony, but the bassoon, lower brass, and tympani are getting more minor-key solos this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always been ready for when push comes to shove, but you'll be unprepared when push comes to uppercut, broken bottle, and meat saw.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're going to get one more chance to make it right. However, please note that in this case "it" refers not to your life but to beef Wellington.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll fail to deal with a personal tragedy this week, wasting all of your time trying to determine whether you deserved it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your dream of becoming an accountant is ruined forever when economic circumstances force you to found and direct a modern dance troupe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you consider yourself a master of anal sex, you're just a strange combination of hyper-organization and raw sensuality.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your future is wide open, an endless ocean of possibilities, as long as you do nothing that takes more than three days.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars have decided that your life needs no changes, at least from their perspective.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Drugs and alcohol are not the answer to your problems. Then again, hard work and self-reliance are, so drugs and alcohol will have to do.

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