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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll experience newfound popularity after being remixed into an extended dance version by The Chemical Brothers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A pall is cast over the next few weeks when the stars reveal that Hal Holbrook, your real father, has chosen you to carry on his legacy of one-man shows.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You experience a joyous reunion with long-lost friends this week when your local NBC affiliate begins airing Magnum, P.I. reruns.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that your new 225-function, 81-button, graphics-capable scientific calculator will help you obtain sex this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After an internal audit of Virgo's books, we have discovered that you owe back payments of $3,421.46. Unless we receive payment immediately, your luck will be canceled.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Mars in your star sign indicates that Libra is passing behind Sol’s ecliptic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After clearing the negative clutter and distracting reactive emotions from the storehouse of your mind’s inner eye, you discover that you are a gullible, superstitious New Ager.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are making great strides in personal growth this week, thanks to the vacuum pump, special weight set and steroid pills you ordered from Club magazine.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be tried and found guilty of several dark and depraved crimes, thanks to your following the advice you received on the Psychotic Friends Hotline.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Trouble at work subsides this week when you finally take your turn cleaning the contacts, headgear and seat of the prison's electric chair.

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