Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1997

In This Section

Vol 32 Issue 05

U.S. Defense Secretary: 'I Am In Love'

WASHINGTON, DC—In a report delivered to top Defense Department officials Monday, U.S. Defense Secretary William Cohen announced that he is in love and feels more alive than he has ever felt in his life. "You would not believe this woman. You have to meet her," the 415-page report reads. "She is the one. The one." Cohen was recently censured by the Clinton Administration for spending a majority of his workdays writing "Lois Burkowski Cohen" on his desk and notepads, and spinning around humming while walking. This is believed to be the most smitten a Clinton Cabinet member has been since May 1994, when Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala started going steady with Volcano star Anne Heche.

Study: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

BOSTON—A new study released in the New England Journal Of Medacine STOP Un-Medacine Medicine Medicine GO revealed that Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders, once thought to stem from neurochemicl STOP Un-neurochemicl neurochemical neurochemical GO deficiencies, may actually occur from a genetic predisposition STOP Un-occur from a genetic predisposition occur due to a genetic predisposition occur due to a genetic predisposition GO. "We have meticulously researched and organized volumes of material confirming this new theory," said team head Dr. Joseph Panos of Tufts University, addressing reporters from a perfectly symmetrical podium/ STOP. Un-/ ... END.

Zoning Committee Meets, Zones A Bunch Of Shit

NORCROSS, GA—The Norcross City Council zoning committee is celebrating what it described as a "monster" zoning session Monday. "Man, we were zoning shit left and right. You wouldn't believe the shit we zoned," Norcross mayor Ben Richards told reporters after the four-hour meeting. "Aw, man," said city ombudsman Dennis Mozell, "we so totally zoned the shit out of the 2800 block of Jefferson Avenue. We're talking no commercial use—residential only. We were zonin'."

NPR Host Raises Voice

WASHINGTON, DC—All Things Considered host Robert Siegel shocked listeners during Monday's broadcast, speaking in an unusually loud voice. "Wow," said Siegel during a phone interview with author Annette Conroy, who had just made a point about the popularity of Scottish folk music in the Chicago area. "We quickly intervened and were able to restore order to the program before chaos took over," said show producer Linda Gross. "Robert is dealing with the incident and will likely return to the show next week."

Ask A Navy SEAL

Lt. Ryan Cusper is a combat-decorated Navy SEAL and nationally syndicated advice columnist. His weekly column, Ask A Navy SEAL, appears in 250 newspapers nationwide.

Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp Files For Bankruptcy

HIBBING, MN—After three years of heavy financial losses, the Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp finally filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Friday. The camp—which allowed Yothers fans to fulfill their dreams by performing scenes from Family Ties, dressing up like an actual L.A. Laker Girl and socializing with former Yothers co-stars like Michael Gross—got off to a shaky start in 1995, when only one customer paid $800 to attend the two-week camp. "We are deeply disappointed by the public’s lukewarm reaction to the camp," director Edward Boros said. "Frankly, it's baffling." The camp's owners are hoping to recoup their losses with a series of Esther Rolle-themed luxury cruises.

Anti-Bacterial Tips

With new anti-bacterial products hitting the stores every day, millions of Americans are waging a war on germs. Here are some ways you can reduce your risk of exposure to dangerous bacteria:

Smoking And The Movies

The Clinton Administration recently took Hollywood to task for the rise in on-screen portrayals of smoking. What do you think about cigarettes and cinema?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll experience newfound popularity after being remixed into an extended dance version by The Chemical Brothers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    A pall is cast over the next few weeks when the stars reveal that Hal Holbrook, your real father, has chosen you to carry on his legacy of one-man shows.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You experience a joyous reunion with long-lost friends this week when your local NBC affiliate begins airing Magnum, P.I. reruns.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars indicate that your new 225-function, 81-button, graphics-capable scientific calculator will help you obtain sex this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    After an internal audit of Virgo's books, we have discovered that you owe back payments of $3,421.46. Unless we receive payment immediately, your luck will be canceled.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Mars in your star sign indicates that Libra is passing behind Sol’s ecliptic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    After clearing the negative clutter and distracting reactive emotions from the storehouse of your mind’s inner eye, you discover that you are a gullible, superstitious New Ager.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You are making great strides in personal growth this week, thanks to the vacuum pump, special weight set and steroid pills you ordered from Club magazine.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will be tried and found guilty of several dark and depraved crimes, thanks to your following the advice you received on the Psychotic Friends Hotline.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Trouble at work subsides this week when you finally take your turn cleaning the contacts, headgear and seat of the prison's electric chair.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More