Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1997

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

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Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll experience newfound popularity after being remixed into an extended dance version by The Chemical Brothers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A pall is cast over the next few weeks when the stars reveal that Hal Holbrook, your real father, has chosen you to carry on his legacy of one-man shows.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You experience a joyous reunion with long-lost friends this week when your local NBC affiliate begins airing Magnum, P.I. reruns.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that your new 225-function, 81-button, graphics-capable scientific calculator will help you obtain sex this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After an internal audit of Virgo's books, we have discovered that you owe back payments of $3,421.46. Unless we receive payment immediately, your luck will be canceled.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Mars in your star sign indicates that Libra is passing behind Sol’s ecliptic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After clearing the negative clutter and distracting reactive emotions from the storehouse of your mind’s inner eye, you discover that you are a gullible, superstitious New Ager.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are making great strides in personal growth this week, thanks to the vacuum pump, special weight set and steroid pills you ordered from Club magazine.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be tried and found guilty of several dark and depraved crimes, thanks to your following the advice you received on the Psychotic Friends Hotline.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Trouble at work subsides this week when you finally take your turn cleaning the contacts, headgear and seat of the prison's electric chair.
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