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Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1998

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Confusion is yours this week when, upon second reading, you realize that Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead is not an erupting volcano of erotic imagery.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will travel back in time this week to kill Hitler's parents, but you wind up shooting the wrong couple and return to a world that has never known Orville Reddenbacher.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your tendency to solve problems with your fists will come in handy while learning trigonometry.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will enjoy money, fame and the respect of daytime-TV watchers everywhere for your stint as avuncular, no-nonsense Judge Virgo.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You awake from your 10-year coma to discover that former heavyweight boxer Jerry Quarry still insists he is not your mommy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you have always been willing to die for the things you believe in, you never thought it would happen so soon, so violently, and over something as trivial as the tooth fairy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be sorely tempted this week by filet of sole braised in sauce l'orange, new potatoes almondine, and petit crepes Bruxelles.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself betrayed by science this week when you discover that, in certain cases, it contradicts the teachings of your personal Lord and Savior, L. Ron Hubbard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your car, along with those of seven others, will be destroyed this week by a bomb cleverly concealed inside an Irishman.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are utterly unprepared psychologically for next Tuesday.

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