Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1998

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Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Confusion is yours this week when, upon second reading, you realize that Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead is not an erupting volcano of erotic imagery.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will travel back in time this week to kill Hitler's parents, but you wind up shooting the wrong couple and return to a world that has never known Orville Reddenbacher.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your tendency to solve problems with your fists will come in handy while learning trigonometry.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will enjoy money, fame and the respect of daytime-TV watchers everywhere for your stint as avuncular, no-nonsense Judge Virgo.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You awake from your 10-year coma to discover that former heavyweight boxer Jerry Quarry still insists he is not your mommy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you have always been willing to die for the things you believe in, you never thought it would happen so soon, so violently, and over something as trivial as the tooth fairy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be sorely tempted this week by filet of sole braised in sauce l'orange, new potatoes almondine, and petit crepes Bruxelles.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself betrayed by science this week when you discover that, in certain cases, it contradicts the teachings of your personal Lord and Savior, L. Ron Hubbard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your car, along with those of seven others, will be destroyed this week by a bomb cleverly concealed inside an Irishman.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are utterly unprepared psychologically for next Tuesday.