Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1998

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Vol 34 Issue 05

Paramount Pictures Proudly Shelves Latest Film

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Paramount Pictures is rolling out the red carpet to shelve its latest comedy, The Munsters. "Join us in welcoming this poorly realized film to the Paramount studio archives," read a press release for the film, not coming to theaters any time soon. "Based upon the mid-'60s TV show, this $45 million bad film was intended to capitalize upon the nostalgic appeal of the series, but became bogged down in rewrites and production delays, only to end up as an unwatchable career-ender." The press release also described the casting of actor Larry Hagman in the role of Grandpa Munster as "a stupid, stupid move."

Monopoly Player Insists On Being Wheelbarrow

BAKERSFIELD, CA–The start of a Monopoly contest was stalled for more than 30 minutes Monday, when player Andrew Shermer insisted on being the wheelbarrow. "I must be the wheelbarrow in any game which I am to play," Shermer, 10, told reporters in a press conference at his home in Bakersfield. "Jamie [Dugan] and Chris [Cambria] are being ding-dongs about this." While Dugan, 8, cited Shermer's use of the wheelbarrow in last week's game as the basis for his claim over the coveted game piece, Cambria claimed "rightful dominion" over the piece based upon the fact that playing was his idea. The dispute was eventually resolved by Shermer's mother, Linda Shermer, who seized the wheelbarrow piece and forced the disgruntled players to choose among the thimble, dog, racecar, top hat and shoe. The iron could not be found.

Russia Renamed 'Batshitzania'

MOSCOW, BATSHITZANIA–With political turmoil and economic chaos threatening to tear the nation apart, Russia's parliament voted unanimously Monday to rename the crumbling former superpower "Batshitzania." "We felt a new name was in order to suit our new identity," said acting Batshitzanian prime minister Viktor Chernomyrdin, standing atop a burning Kremlin. "Citizens are frantically trying to get rid of their worthless rubles, our nuclear weapons are sitting unguarded in abandoned silos, and the mentally unstable Boris Yeltsin, who is scheduled to undergo octuple-bypass surgery next week, refuses to step down. Basically, everything's going bat-shit zany over here." Other names considered for the collapsing nation include Kabloomia, Dystopskia and Hell.

Kenneth Starr Orders LBJ Exhumed For Investigation Of Possible Sexual Impropriety

WASHINGTON, DC–Vowing to "restore morality, integrity and accountability to the office of the presidency," Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr ordered the exhumation of President Lyndon Johnson's corpse Tuesday in connection with possible sexual misconduct during his tenure in the White House. "Since the late President Johnson has not been forthcoming with the truth about his relationship with Miss Glass, I am left with no choice but to subpoena him posthumously," said Starr, who has accused Johnson of conducting a longtime affair with Alice Glass, the girlfriend of Texas newspaper publisher Charles Marsh. Johnson may be called to testify as early as next Monday, when exhumed president Warren Harding is expected to complete his deposition regarding an alleged 15-year extramarital affair with Carrie Phillips and subsequent attempts to bribe the Phillips family to keep the relationship a secret. Among other presidents whose corpses Starr has ordered dug up for questioning regarding sexual misconduct: John Kennedy, Franklin Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower, Grover Cleveland, Martin Van Buren, Andrew Jackson and Thomas Jefferson.

Our Street Gangs Are Probably Using Bad Language

While recently wandering the rotting underbelly of my favorite local urban wasteland at 3 a.m., I was accosted by a roughneck gang of thugs who demanded my wallet. With a grandfatherly sense of duty, I handed it over to them; then they clonked me over the noggin and ran off.

Star Wars 4 Is On The Way!

Item! Hold onto your hats, everyone, because this is the Big One. From one of my better sources, who must obviously remain nameless, I've learned that there is going to be another Star Wars movie! Plot details about Star Wars 4 are extremely sketchy, but from what I understand, Luke and Laura have to find a magic potion that was hidden by Boba Fett, Darth Vader's son-in-law, in order to save their home planet from space drug dealers. It's good to know that Steven Spielberg still has the magic touch. Stay tuned for more info. And may The Force be with you and your loved ones!

The New Eunuch Is Not Working Out

It was my birth-day recently, and the customary deluge of gifts flooded the Estate. I was wheeled into my private amusement annex so that I could watch the unwrapping of my presents. As usual, I was given needless rubbish and picayune baubles that serve me no purpose. I received what must have been my 659th mechanical nightingale from whomever is the Emperor of Siam now-a-days, when what I truly desired was a new shawl and a visit from the Grim Reaper. I directed Standish to cast the nightingale into the furnace and bury the rest of the unopened loot in the court-yard.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Confusion is yours this week when, upon second reading, you realize that Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead is not an erupting volcano of erotic imagery.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will travel back in time this week to kill Hitler's parents, but you wind up shooting the wrong couple and return to a world that has never known Orville Reddenbacher.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your tendency to solve problems with your fists will come in handy while learning trigonometry.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will enjoy money, fame and the respect of daytime-TV watchers everywhere for your stint as avuncular, no-nonsense Judge Virgo.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You awake from your 10-year coma to discover that former heavyweight boxer Jerry Quarry still insists he is not your mommy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Though you have always been willing to die for the things you believe in, you never thought it would happen so soon, so violently, and over something as trivial as the tooth fairy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will be sorely tempted this week by filet of sole braised in sauce l'orange, new potatoes almondine, and petit crepes Bruxelles.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will find yourself betrayed by science this week when you discover that, in certain cases, it contradicts the teachings of your personal Lord and Savior, L. Ron Hubbard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your car, along with those of seven others, will be destroyed this week by a bomb cleverly concealed inside an Irishman.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You are utterly unprepared psychologically for next Tuesday.
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