adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Confusion is yours this week when, upon second reading, you realize that Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead is not an erupting volcano of erotic imagery.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will travel back in time this week to kill Hitler's parents, but you wind up shooting the wrong couple and return to a world that has never known Orville Reddenbacher.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your tendency to solve problems with your fists will come in handy while learning trigonometry.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will enjoy money, fame and the respect of daytime-TV watchers everywhere for your stint as avuncular, no-nonsense Judge Virgo.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You awake from your 10-year coma to discover that former heavyweight boxer Jerry Quarry still insists he is not your mommy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you have always been willing to die for the things you believe in, you never thought it would happen so soon, so violently, and over something as trivial as the tooth fairy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be sorely tempted this week by filet of sole braised in sauce l'orange, new potatoes almondine, and petit crepes Bruxelles.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself betrayed by science this week when you discover that, in certain cases, it contradicts the teachings of your personal Lord and Savior, L. Ron Hubbard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your car, along with those of seven others, will be destroyed this week by a bomb cleverly concealed inside an Irishman.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are utterly unprepared psychologically for next Tuesday.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close