Horoscope for the week of September 20, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 33

Slow-Motion Woman Emerges Glistening From Pool

LOS ANGELES–An unidentified woman in her early 20s emerged from a large, backlit swimming pool at approximately one-third normal speed Monday. According to witnesses, the woman, accompanied by sultry saxophone music, began emerging from the pool at sunset with incandescent pool lights highlighting the droplets of water running down her lithe frame. Upon exiting, the woman reportedly closed her eyes and slowly leaned her head back in preparation for toweling-off procedures.

Everything You Worked So Hard For Lying in Splinters At Your Feet

DURHAM, NC–According to a Duke University report released Monday, all of your hopes and dreams are no more than splinters at your feet, swept away by the uncaring wind. "All that you labored to make a reality, all that you saved and sacrificed for, these are but ashes and dust," said Duke sociologist Dr. Edgar Pratt following the collapse. "Not even history will remember these toils and endeavors, for the world never knew nor cared to know of the struggle behind them."

New Hyundai Owner Sort Of Brags About it To Co-Workers

LODI, OH–Days after buying a brand-new 2001 Hyundai Excel, accountant Dale Grich kind of half-lorded the acquisition over his moderately impressed coworkers Monday. "If we're going to Chi-Chi's, I can fit three of us," said Grich during discussion of a lunch outing. "Got the new Hyundai and all." Upon laying eyes upon the reliable, sensibly priced vehicle, co-worker Al Arnot emitted a low, descending whistle to indicate his being semi-wowed.

William Safire Orders Two Whoppers Junior

NEW YORK–Stopping for lunch at a Manhattan Burger King, New York Times 'On Language' columnist William Safire ordered two "Whoppers Junior" Monday. "A majority of Burger King patrons operate under the fallacious assumption that the plural is 'Whopper Juniors,'" Safire told a woman standing in line behind him. "This, of course, is a grievous grammatical blunder, akin to saying 'passerbys' or, worse yet, the dreaded 'attorney generals.'" Last week, Safire patronized a midtown Taco Bell, ordering "two Big Beef Burritos Supreme."

Media Suffering Through Record Normal Temperatures

KNOXVILLE, TN–Across the U.S., the news media are coping with another week of cripplingly typical temperatures. "It's awful," said Jim Moore, editor of The Knoxville News-Sentinel. "We'd love to run a good lead like 'Dozens Dead In Brutal Heat Wave,' but the temperatures have left us with nothing." Tom Pierre, news director of Fox affiliate KABB-TV in San Antonio, was equally distraught. "Yesterday, it was a pleasant 73 degrees," Pierre said. "How is a 92-year-old widow supposed to tragically perish in an unventilated tenement apartment with weather like that?"

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Not The Fishing-Tackle Serial Killer

Well, I see by the TV that the Fishing-Tackle Serial Killer has struck again. Apparently, this time, he used a spin-casting technique to lay a treble-hook muskie lure right across the path of Brent Parks, a waterskiing tourist from down Illinois way. Ripped the poor feller's throat right open, they say, before the 50-pound test line drug him under. Funny thing is, they found Parks less than a half mile from my shack on Fence Lake, just like all the others. I say it's almost certainly a coincidence, though: I'm almost positive I'm not the Fishing-Tackle Serial Killer.

Bobby Knight Through The Years

Fired Sept. 10, Bobby Knight has been involved in his share of incidents during his 30 years as Indiana University basketball coach. Among the highlights:

Washington vs. Hollywood

In recent weeks, both George W. Bush and Al Gore have stepped up their attacks against the entertainment industry for marketing violent and sexual content to young people. What do you think?

My Moroccan Neighbors Won't Stop Their Damn Ululating

Well, there goes the neighborhood. Last week, the moving van pulls up to the Petersens' old house and--yup, you guessed it--a bunch of Moroccans move in. I haven't even met the Aatabous yet, but already I can't stand them: All night long, they won't stop with their damn ululating!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Horoscope for the week of September 20, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    When you get up tomorrow morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving 747. The answer may surprise you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Though you claim to be a sex addict, the term seems to imply some sort of interaction with living human partners.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    This zodiac sign is currently suing you for $4.5 million over your parody hit "Gemini, Gemi-you (There Is Nothing We Can Do)."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You always knew they'd find out about the unemptied wastebasket one day, but somehow you thought they'd be angrier.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Remember: Sometimes, a man just has to know when to walk away from the burning school bus on the railroad tracks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will find yourself reliving certain parts of your early childhood when an accident leaves you unable to walk or defecate without diapers.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The sudden increase in the Canada goose population is a mystery to everyone but you, you sneaky little devil.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'd really be better off without that guy who breaks into your house and hides in the shower with a knife.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    ABC's Wide World Of Sports never thought it'd be able to replace that "agony of defeat" skier, but it didn't bet on you and the dalmatians.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    People just don't understand that when you talk about "Little Elvis," you mean that two-inch-tall Elvis that only you can see.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will just barely make People magazine's list of America's 20 Million Most Eligible Aquariuses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    To answer your question of next Monday: Yes, that's all there was to life.
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