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Horoscope for the week of September 20, 2000

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of September 20, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you get up tomorrow morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving 747. The answer may surprise you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you claim to be a sex addict, the term seems to imply some sort of interaction with living human partners.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This zodiac sign is currently suing you for $4.5 million over your parody hit "Gemini, Gemi-you (There Is Nothing We Can Do)."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You always knew they'd find out about the unemptied wastebasket one day, but somehow you thought they'd be angrier.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember: Sometimes, a man just has to know when to walk away from the burning school bus on the railroad tracks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will find yourself reliving certain parts of your early childhood when an accident leaves you unable to walk or defecate without diapers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The sudden increase in the Canada goose population is a mystery to everyone but you, you sneaky little devil.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'd really be better off without that guy who breaks into your house and hides in the shower with a knife.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    ABC's Wide World Of Sports never thought it'd be able to replace that "agony of defeat" skier, but it didn't bet on you and the dalmatians.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People just don't understand that when you talk about "Little Elvis," you mean that two-inch-tall Elvis that only you can see.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will just barely make People magazine's list of America's 20 Million Most Eligible Aquariuses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    To answer your question of next Monday: Yes, that's all there was to life.

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