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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Horoscope for the week of September 20, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you get up tomorrow morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving 747. The answer may surprise you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you claim to be a sex addict, the term seems to imply some sort of interaction with living human partners.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This zodiac sign is currently suing you for $4.5 million over your parody hit "Gemini, Gemi-you (There Is Nothing We Can Do)."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You always knew they'd find out about the unemptied wastebasket one day, but somehow you thought they'd be angrier.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember: Sometimes, a man just has to know when to walk away from the burning school bus on the railroad tracks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will find yourself reliving certain parts of your early childhood when an accident leaves you unable to walk or defecate without diapers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The sudden increase in the Canada goose population is a mystery to everyone but you, you sneaky little devil.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'd really be better off without that guy who breaks into your house and hides in the shower with a knife.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    ABC's Wide World Of Sports never thought it'd be able to replace that "agony of defeat" skier, but it didn't bet on you and the dalmatians.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People just don't understand that when you talk about "Little Elvis," you mean that two-inch-tall Elvis that only you can see.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will just barely make People magazine's list of America's 20 Million Most Eligible Aquariuses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    To answer your question of next Monday: Yes, that's all there was to life.
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