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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Horoscope for the week of September 20, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you get up tomorrow morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving 747. The answer may surprise you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you claim to be a sex addict, the term seems to imply some sort of interaction with living human partners.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This zodiac sign is currently suing you for $4.5 million over your parody hit "Gemini, Gemi-you (There Is Nothing We Can Do)."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You always knew they'd find out about the unemptied wastebasket one day, but somehow you thought they'd be angrier.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember: Sometimes, a man just has to know when to walk away from the burning school bus on the railroad tracks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will find yourself reliving certain parts of your early childhood when an accident leaves you unable to walk or defecate without diapers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The sudden increase in the Canada goose population is a mystery to everyone but you, you sneaky little devil.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'd really be better off without that guy who breaks into your house and hides in the shower with a knife.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    ABC's Wide World Of Sports never thought it'd be able to replace that "agony of defeat" skier, but it didn't bet on you and the dalmatians.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People just don't understand that when you talk about "Little Elvis," you mean that two-inch-tall Elvis that only you can see.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will just barely make People magazine's list of America's 20 Million Most Eligible Aquariuses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    To answer your question of next Monday: Yes, that's all there was to life.

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