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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of September 20, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you get up tomorrow morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving 747. The answer may surprise you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you claim to be a sex addict, the term seems to imply some sort of interaction with living human partners.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This zodiac sign is currently suing you for $4.5 million over your parody hit "Gemini, Gemi-you (There Is Nothing We Can Do)."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You always knew they'd find out about the unemptied wastebasket one day, but somehow you thought they'd be angrier.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember: Sometimes, a man just has to know when to walk away from the burning school bus on the railroad tracks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will find yourself reliving certain parts of your early childhood when an accident leaves you unable to walk or defecate without diapers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The sudden increase in the Canada goose population is a mystery to everyone but you, you sneaky little devil.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'd really be better off without that guy who breaks into your house and hides in the shower with a knife.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    ABC's Wide World Of Sports never thought it'd be able to replace that "agony of defeat" skier, but it didn't bet on you and the dalmatians.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People just don't understand that when you talk about "Little Elvis," you mean that two-inch-tall Elvis that only you can see.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will just barely make People magazine's list of America's 20 Million Most Eligible Aquariuses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    To answer your question of next Monday: Yes, that's all there was to life.

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