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Horoscope for the week of September 22, 1999

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of September 22, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars see great things in your future, but only if you finally stop teasing them about how they failed to predict that whole Princess Di thing.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: You do not have a magical "stigmata" that causes bleeding at special times. It's just your period.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: The patient tree root has the strength to sunder even the strongest stone. Whatever you do, don't let one of those vicious little things get too close.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though Mercury is aligned with Venus this week, you should have your alignment done by a licensed Chrysler service center, as you are a 1989 LeBaron.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Seek out someone who is on your wavelength to get you through your current crisis. If that fails, try Citizen's Band channel 19 and request assistance.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    As a Virgo, water rules your destiny. But you know that what really rules is "Fire" by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Don't sink to the level of your critics. Instead, sink to the much lower level of those who like and appreciate you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It doesn't matter if no one else in the sewing circle likes your new "Blood & Iron" plan for improved quiltmaking. What matters is that it works.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will develop a mysterious "Fourth Sense" that enables you to tell if there are things directly in front of you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be given a second chance in life this week. Be sure to thank the governor for his timely phone call.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Sun is in Virgo, and the Moon is in Capricorn this week. As usual, everyone's getting some action but Aquarius.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those $100-denomination charms.

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