Horoscope for the week of September 22, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 34

Hot-Rod-Lincoln-Driving Son May Have Contributed To Father's Alcoholism

SAN PEDRO, CA—William Conroy, a 43-year-old San Pedro-area pappy, was driven to alcoholism by his 17-year-old son's reckless Hot Rod Lincoln driving, Conroy's psychologist said Monday. "Over the course of several of therapy sessions with Mr. Conroy, it became clear that he suffered tremendous distress as a result of his son's illegal drag-racing hobby," Dr. Eli Wasserbaum said. "Cody's recent arrest for driving 110 mph was likely the trigger event that prompted William to turn to alcohol." The elder Conroy told Wasserbaum that he "made it perfectly clear" to Cody that he would be driven to drinking if he did not stop driving that Hot Rod Lincoln.

Greenpeace Decides Northern Spotted Owl 'Not Worth The Trouble Anymore'

AMSTERDAM—Citing "organization-wide disinterest in a truly mundane species of bird," Greenpeace announced Monday that it is ending its decades-long fight to save the endangered Northern Spotted Owl. "For some reason, we devoted more than 30 years to trying to save this unspectacular little owl," Greenpeace associate director Tomas Lindstrom said. "But somewhere along the way, I guess we just came to our senses and kind of lost interest." Lindstrom said the environmental group plans to shift its focus to "saving animals that people actually see every once in a while."

Tape Dispensed

PULASKI, TN—A two-inch stretch of 3M Scotch™ adhesive tape was dispensed Monday by a Swingline™ tape dispenser. "I am impressed beyond words by the exemplary performance of this office appliance," said Pulaski-area payroll secretary Julie Glass following the successful tape dispensation. "Less than three seconds after I desired a memorandum affixed to a larger document, the tape was dispensed and the pieces of paper attached to one another. I was barely aware of the dispenser's existence, so smoothly and unobtrusively did it operate."

Reno Orders Investigation Of U.S. Department of Corruption

WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno ordered a full-scale investigation of the Department of Corruption Monday in the wake of widespread reports of illegal and improper activity within its ranks. "Over the past 18 months, evidence has surfaced implicating numerous high-ranking Corruption Department officials, including Corruption Secretary John Francona, in acts of bribery, embezzlement, bank fraud, tax evasion and misappropriation of funds," Reno said. The department has also failed to account for much of its spending, including a 1998 allocation of $7 billion for a "widows and orphans fund," for which it has yet to provide financial records.

U.S. Out Of My Uterus vs. We Must Deploy Troops To Jessica Linden's Uterus Immediately

It comes down to one thing: It's my body. Not Uncle Sam's, not Trent Lott's, not Pat Robertson's. Mine. Congress can demand a portion of my income, it can tell me how fast to drive, it can kill killers and anyone else it thinks it must to preserve a free and civil society. But my body—the skin, bones and organs that comprise me—is where the line gets drawn.

She's Probably Sleeping With Him Right Now, Local Man Obsesses

CORVALLIS, OR—Given that she is not at her sister's, aunt's or best friend Erika's, was not at her desk any of the 12 times he phoned her at the office, and does not normally go grocery shopping until the weekend—not to mention the fact that she didn't come to the door either time he rang the doorbell and hid in the bushes, even though her bedroom light was on—area resident Kristin Mulcahy is probably sleeping with that guy at this very moment, local ex-boyfriend Andrew Wallace obsessed Monday.

The Waco Cover-Up

Last week, it was revealed that in 1995, the Justice Department delivered a report to Congress without a page that referred to the FBI's use of an incendiary tear gas during its 1993 assault on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco. What do you think about this rapidly widening scandal?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 22, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars see great things in your future, but only if you finally stop teasing them about how they failed to predict that whole Princess Di thing.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    For the last time: You do not have a magical "stigmata" that causes bleeding at special times. It's just your period.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Remember: The patient tree root has the strength to sunder even the strongest stone. Whatever you do, don't let one of those vicious little things get too close.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Though Mercury is aligned with Venus this week, you should have your alignment done by a licensed Chrysler service center, as you are a 1989 LeBaron.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Seek out someone who is on your wavelength to get you through your current crisis. If that fails, try Citizen's Band channel 19 and request assistance.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    As a Virgo, water rules your destiny. But you know that what really rules is "Fire" by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Don't sink to the level of your critics. Instead, sink to the much lower level of those who like and appreciate you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It doesn't matter if no one else in the sewing circle likes your new "Blood & Iron" plan for improved quiltmaking. What matters is that it works.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will develop a mysterious "Fourth Sense" that enables you to tell if there are things directly in front of you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be given a second chance in life this week. Be sure to thank the governor for his timely phone call.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The Sun is in Virgo, and the Moon is in Capricorn this week. As usual, everyone's getting some action but Aquarius.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those $100-denomination charms.
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