Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars see great things in your future, but only if you finally stop teasing them about how they failed to predict that whole Princess Di thing.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
For the last time: You do not have a magical "stigmata" that causes bleeding at special times. It's just your period.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember: The patient tree root has the strength to sunder even the strongest stone. Whatever you do, don't let one of those vicious little things get too close.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Though Mercury is aligned with Venus this week, you should have your alignment done by a licensed Chrysler service center, as you are a 1989 LeBaron.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Seek out someone who is on your wavelength to get you through your current crisis. If that fails, try Citizen's Band channel 19 and request assistance.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
As a Virgo, water rules your destiny. But you know that what really rules is "Fire" by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Don't sink to the level of your critics. Instead, sink to the much lower level of those who like and appreciate you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It doesn't matter if no one else in the sewing circle likes your new "Blood & Iron" plan for improved quiltmaking. What matters is that it works.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will develop a mysterious "Fourth Sense" that enables you to tell if there are things directly in front of you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be given a second chance in life this week. Be sure to thank the governor for his timely phone call.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The Sun is in Virgo, and the Moon is in Capricorn this week. As usual, everyone's getting some action but Aquarius.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those $100-denomination charms.
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