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Horoscope for the week of September 22, 1999

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Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of September 22, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars see great things in your future, but only if you finally stop teasing them about how they failed to predict that whole Princess Di thing.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: You do not have a magical "stigmata" that causes bleeding at special times. It's just your period.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: The patient tree root has the strength to sunder even the strongest stone. Whatever you do, don't let one of those vicious little things get too close.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though Mercury is aligned with Venus this week, you should have your alignment done by a licensed Chrysler service center, as you are a 1989 LeBaron.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Seek out someone who is on your wavelength to get you through your current crisis. If that fails, try Citizen's Band channel 19 and request assistance.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    As a Virgo, water rules your destiny. But you know that what really rules is "Fire" by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Don't sink to the level of your critics. Instead, sink to the much lower level of those who like and appreciate you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It doesn't matter if no one else in the sewing circle likes your new "Blood & Iron" plan for improved quiltmaking. What matters is that it works.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will develop a mysterious "Fourth Sense" that enables you to tell if there are things directly in front of you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be given a second chance in life this week. Be sure to thank the governor for his timely phone call.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Sun is in Virgo, and the Moon is in Capricorn this week. As usual, everyone's getting some action but Aquarius.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those $100-denomination charms.

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