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Horoscope for the week of September 22, 1999

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
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Horoscope for the week of September 22, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars see great things in your future, but only if you finally stop teasing them about how they failed to predict that whole Princess Di thing.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: You do not have a magical "stigmata" that causes bleeding at special times. It's just your period.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: The patient tree root has the strength to sunder even the strongest stone. Whatever you do, don't let one of those vicious little things get too close.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though Mercury is aligned with Venus this week, you should have your alignment done by a licensed Chrysler service center, as you are a 1989 LeBaron.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Seek out someone who is on your wavelength to get you through your current crisis. If that fails, try Citizen's Band channel 19 and request assistance.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    As a Virgo, water rules your destiny. But you know that what really rules is "Fire" by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Don't sink to the level of your critics. Instead, sink to the much lower level of those who like and appreciate you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It doesn't matter if no one else in the sewing circle likes your new "Blood & Iron" plan for improved quiltmaking. What matters is that it works.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will develop a mysterious "Fourth Sense" that enables you to tell if there are things directly in front of you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be given a second chance in life this week. Be sure to thank the governor for his timely phone call.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Sun is in Virgo, and the Moon is in Capricorn this week. As usual, everyone's getting some action but Aquarius.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those $100-denomination charms.

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