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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of September 22, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're getting tired of living out of boxes, but if you stop now, you'll damage your reputation as the patron saint of the cardboard cubist lifestyle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are those who say you're just a glorified janitor, but you fail to see how the titanium mop and bucket add glory to what you do.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon learn the important legal and semantic differences between the phrases "folksingers should just die" and "it'd sure be nice if someone slaughtered all the folksingers."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Hey, it's not your fault if the others around the office don't find your horrifyingly racist sense of humor funny.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be surprised and pleased to find yourself listed between Leah and Levi in Who's Who In The Bible, but you won't really like what the editors had to say.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be overrun with shallow, boring romance-seekers merely because you genuinely enjoy long walks and sunsets.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's no law about over-enjoying the work of Uriah Heep, but the judicial flexibility built into our society will see that you get what's coming to you anyway.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Leprosy is certainly not the problem it once was, but that might not be any consolation to you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The National Hockey League lockout will have little or no effect on you, which is fairly surprising, considering you're Lord Stanley's Cup.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll experience a soufflé that sends you into a white-hot inferno of culinary passion, instantly incinerating you and everyone in the downtown restaurant district.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week will be prime for advancement at work, as long as you manage to avoid the ball lightning and the other guys don't.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Good news: The airline will only charge you four Frequent Flier Miles for your violently abbreviated flight this Friday.

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