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Horoscope for the week of September 22, 2004

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Horoscope for the week of September 22, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're getting tired of living out of boxes, but if you stop now, you'll damage your reputation as the patron saint of the cardboard cubist lifestyle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are those who say you're just a glorified janitor, but you fail to see how the titanium mop and bucket add glory to what you do.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon learn the important legal and semantic differences between the phrases "folksingers should just die" and "it'd sure be nice if someone slaughtered all the folksingers."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Hey, it's not your fault if the others around the office don't find your horrifyingly racist sense of humor funny.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be surprised and pleased to find yourself listed between Leah and Levi in Who's Who In The Bible, but you won't really like what the editors had to say.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be overrun with shallow, boring romance-seekers merely because you genuinely enjoy long walks and sunsets.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's no law about over-enjoying the work of Uriah Heep, but the judicial flexibility built into our society will see that you get what's coming to you anyway.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Leprosy is certainly not the problem it once was, but that might not be any consolation to you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The National Hockey League lockout will have little or no effect on you, which is fairly surprising, considering you're Lord Stanley's Cup.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll experience a soufflé that sends you into a white-hot inferno of culinary passion, instantly incinerating you and everyone in the downtown restaurant district.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week will be prime for advancement at work, as long as you manage to avoid the ball lightning and the other guys don't.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Good news: The airline will only charge you four Frequent Flier Miles for your violently abbreviated flight this Friday.

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