Horoscope for the week of September 22, 2004

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Recent News

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Business

Horoscope for the week of September 22, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're getting tired of living out of boxes, but if you stop now, you'll damage your reputation as the patron saint of the cardboard cubist lifestyle.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are those who say you're just a glorified janitor, but you fail to see how the titanium mop and bucket add glory to what you do.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon learn the important legal and semantic differences between the phrases "folksingers should just die" and "it'd sure be nice if someone slaughtered all the folksingers."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Hey, it's not your fault if the others around the office don't find your horrifyingly racist sense of humor funny.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be surprised and pleased to find yourself listed between Leah and Levi in Who's Who In The Bible, but you won't really like what the editors had to say.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be overrun with shallow, boring romance-seekers merely because you genuinely enjoy long walks and sunsets.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's no law about over-enjoying the work of Uriah Heep, but the judicial flexibility built into our society will see that you get what's coming to you anyway.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Leprosy is certainly not the problem it once was, but that might not be any consolation to you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The National Hockey League lockout will have little or no effect on you, which is fairly surprising, considering you're Lord Stanley's Cup.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll experience a soufflé that sends you into a white-hot inferno of culinary passion, instantly incinerating you and everyone in the downtown restaurant district.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week will be prime for advancement at work, as long as you manage to avoid the ball lightning and the other guys don't.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Good news: The airline will only charge you four Frequent Flier Miles for your violently abbreviated flight this Friday.