Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1997

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Vol 32 Issue 08

Civilization Collapses

EARTH—Several millennia of relative stability and order came to an end Tuesday as global civilization collapsed, plunging the planet into a chaotic gallimaufry of superstitious cults and roving tribal armies. "Our leader, Astar the King, derives his power from Go-Ard, the one true god who lives in the sun," said former KFC third-shift manager Ernest Billings, who now exists to serve Astar, overlord of much of what used to be the state of Washington. Phillip Trainer, formerly a political science professor at Duke University, predicted that his own city-clan of Babylramia will grow in power and influence until it encompasses the entire world, at which point an eternal golden age of harmony will begin.

Area Power Walker Looks Just Ridiculous

SAUSALITO, CA—A report released Friday by Sausalito city officials revealed that area fitness enthusiast and power walker Linda Williams looks absolutely ridiculous. "Oh, man," the report reads in part, "she looks so absurd. Look at the way she frantically thrusts her arms forward, like some sort of spastic, convulsing marionette. And what is with that bizarre lurching she does with her shoulders and neck?" The report also questioned whether Williams has any idea at all just how unbelievably stupid she looks.

Clinton: 'Fuck This President Shit'

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton publicly distanced himself from the office of president and all duties therein at a press conference Monday. "Fuck this president shit," Clinton said. "I ain't doin' this Chief Executive crap no more." Clinton then stormed out of the White House, heading to Mike's Place, a D.C.-area restaurant, where he ordered a plate of chili cheese fries and read the local want-ads. Clinton is the first U.S. President to resign from office in a profanity-laden rant.

New York Times Adds Color To Target Under-70 Demographic

NEW YORK—In an effort to reach the coveted under-70 demographic, The New York Times announced Monday it will add color to its traditional black-and-white format next month. "Having color photos on the front page should really add some razzle-dazzle and youthful energy to the paper," said Times editor-in-chief Leo Salzberger. "I expect the new look will be very popular among those born in the 20th century." Despite Salzberger's enthusiasm, many of the nation's under-seventysomethings are skeptical. "I may check out the Times when that happens," said longtime USA Today reader Millicent Scopes, 68. "But right now, it looks like something my granddad would read." Salzberger said if the introduction of color is successful, he may experiment with other innovations, including photo captions, page numbers and commas.

Time-Management Tips

In this era of faxing and multitasking, being able to effectively manage your time is essential. Here are some tips to help you maximize your work hours:

My Play

During my years as a hard-bitten newspaper-man, I rarely had time for culture. But after a court order forced my retirement, at last I was free to indulge in artistic pursuits and to pen gripping works of drama. With that in mind, I now present to you my latest play in two acts, The Happy Bed-Chamber.
End Of Section
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're tired of the people at work treating you like an incompetent nincompoop, but upon further reflection, you have to admit they're right.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be chosen to star in a new television adventure series this week. Unfortunately, the show's title is The Constantly Drunk Bus Driver And The Marvelous Mr. Chicken Take Tulsa.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    All your hip, ironic '80s rock T-shirts will wear out at once this week, leaving you feeling despondent and old.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    After being abandoned on a cross-country family camping trip, your beloved German shepherd will cover 2,000 miles to return home and tear out your femoral artery.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars in Leo are harbingers of neither good nor evil this week. They are, in fact, massive fusion reactions millions of miles across.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    No matter what happens to you this week, the good people at Virgo are there to help. Virgo... Where People Are The Stars.™
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your long journey toward spiritual perfection will be hindered this week by yet another sexy priest.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your last words will become famous around the world next Friday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will enjoy inner peace this week when you finally come to terms with your grandmother's death, almost 10 years after you beat her skull in with a tire iron.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your love life takes a turn for the better this week when you discover a magic passion elixir made from the secretions of Spanish flies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Fire and earth magic are strong in Aquarius this week. Seek out the nearest active volcano and throw virgins into the caldera until you become rich and famous.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You learn that good intentions don't always lead to good results this week when your plan to unite Russia under a centrally controlled Catholic monarchy leads to the slaughter of 40 million peasants.
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