Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1997

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Productivity

Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're tired of the people at work treating you like an incompetent nincompoop, but upon further reflection, you have to admit they're right.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be chosen to star in a new television adventure series this week. Unfortunately, the show's title is The Constantly Drunk Bus Driver And The Marvelous Mr. Chicken Take Tulsa.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All your hip, ironic '80s rock T-shirts will wear out at once this week, leaving you feeling despondent and old.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After being abandoned on a cross-country family camping trip, your beloved German shepherd will cover 2,000 miles to return home and tear out your femoral artery.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars in Leo are harbingers of neither good nor evil this week. They are, in fact, massive fusion reactions millions of miles across.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    No matter what happens to you this week, the good people at Virgo are there to help. Virgo... Where People Are The Stars.™
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your long journey toward spiritual perfection will be hindered this week by yet another sexy priest.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your last words will become famous around the world next Friday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will enjoy inner peace this week when you finally come to terms with your grandmother's death, almost 10 years after you beat her skull in with a tire iron.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your love life takes a turn for the better this week when you discover a magic passion elixir made from the secretions of Spanish flies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Fire and earth magic are strong in Aquarius this week. Seek out the nearest active volcano and throw virgins into the caldera until you become rich and famous.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You learn that good intentions don't always lead to good results this week when your plan to unite Russia under a centrally controlled Catholic monarchy leads to the slaughter of 40 million peasants.