Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1997

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're tired of the people at work treating you like an incompetent nincompoop, but upon further reflection, you have to admit they're right.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be chosen to star in a new television adventure series this week. Unfortunately, the show's title is The Constantly Drunk Bus Driver And The Marvelous Mr. Chicken Take Tulsa.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All your hip, ironic '80s rock T-shirts will wear out at once this week, leaving you feeling despondent and old.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After being abandoned on a cross-country family camping trip, your beloved German shepherd will cover 2,000 miles to return home and tear out your femoral artery.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars in Leo are harbingers of neither good nor evil this week. They are, in fact, massive fusion reactions millions of miles across.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    No matter what happens to you this week, the good people at Virgo are there to help. Virgo... Where People Are The Stars.™
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your long journey toward spiritual perfection will be hindered this week by yet another sexy priest.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your last words will become famous around the world next Friday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will enjoy inner peace this week when you finally come to terms with your grandmother's death, almost 10 years after you beat her skull in with a tire iron.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your love life takes a turn for the better this week when you discover a magic passion elixir made from the secretions of Spanish flies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Fire and earth magic are strong in Aquarius this week. Seek out the nearest active volcano and throw virgins into the caldera until you become rich and famous.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You learn that good intentions don't always lead to good results this week when your plan to unite Russia under a centrally controlled Catholic monarchy leads to the slaughter of 40 million peasants.