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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

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Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your belief in the omniscience of God will be shaken this week when you happen to see Him lose $78 in a street-corner game of three-card monte.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will learn a little bit about other cultures this week when Rabbit, a Native American trickster god, drops a 10-ton safe on your head.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your significant other will suggest that you both see other people. Put mace in the heater vents of his or her car.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Life imitates art this week when you are lucky enough to witness two guys walking into a bar.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though society has long known the reason for shipping charges, you will gain fame this week when you discover the rationale behind the "handling" charge.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will receive all the recognition you're ever likely to get when you’re awarded your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Ineffectuality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will have a hell of a time explaining to visiting relatives why you're being followed by the floating disembodied head of deceased entertainer Warren Oates.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Do not enter the courtyard in the center of the Pentagon. You are a demon, and the courtyard's five-sided configuration will trap you in its confines for eternity.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite what those eggheads in Stockholm say, you will feel no closer to your captors this week than you did at this time last year.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try not to eat anything containing trinitrotolulene this week. That stuff explodes.
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