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Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1998

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your belief in the omniscience of God will be shaken this week when you happen to see Him lose $78 in a street-corner game of three-card monte.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will learn a little bit about other cultures this week when Rabbit, a Native American trickster god, drops a 10-ton safe on your head.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your significant other will suggest that you both see other people. Put mace in the heater vents of his or her car.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Life imitates art this week when you are lucky enough to witness two guys walking into a bar.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though society has long known the reason for shipping charges, you will gain fame this week when you discover the rationale behind the "handling" charge.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will receive all the recognition you're ever likely to get when you’re awarded your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Ineffectuality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will have a hell of a time explaining to visiting relatives why you're being followed by the floating disembodied head of deceased entertainer Warren Oates.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Do not enter the courtyard in the center of the Pentagon. You are a demon, and the courtyard's five-sided configuration will trap you in its confines for eternity.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite what those eggheads in Stockholm say, you will feel no closer to your captors this week than you did at this time last year.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try not to eat anything containing trinitrotolulene this week. That stuff explodes.

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