Aries | March 21 to April 19
An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your belief in the omniscience of God will be shaken this week when you happen to see Him lose $78 in a street-corner game of three-card monte.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will learn a little bit about other cultures this week when Rabbit, a Native American trickster god, drops a 10-ton safe on your head.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your significant other will suggest that you both see other people. Put mace in the heater vents of his or her car.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Life imitates art this week when you are lucky enough to witness two guys walking into a bar.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though society has long known the reason for shipping charges, you will gain fame this week when you discover the rationale behind the "handling" charge.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will receive all the recognition you're ever likely to get when you’re awarded your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Ineffectuality.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will have a hell of a time explaining to visiting relatives why you're being followed by the floating disembodied head of deceased entertainer Warren Oates.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Do not enter the courtyard in the center of the Pentagon. You are a demon, and the courtyard's five-sided configuration will trap you in its confines for eternity.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Despite what those eggheads in Stockholm say, you will feel no closer to your captors this week than you did at this time last year.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Try not to eat anything containing trinitrotolulene this week. That stuff explodes.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION