Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1998

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your belief in the omniscience of God will be shaken this week when you happen to see Him lose $78 in a street-corner game of three-card monte.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will learn a little bit about other cultures this week when Rabbit, a Native American trickster god, drops a 10-ton safe on your head.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your significant other will suggest that you both see other people. Put mace in the heater vents of his or her car.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Life imitates art this week when you are lucky enough to witness two guys walking into a bar.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though society has long known the reason for shipping charges, you will gain fame this week when you discover the rationale behind the "handling" charge.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will receive all the recognition you're ever likely to get when you’re awarded your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Ineffectuality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will have a hell of a time explaining to visiting relatives why you're being followed by the floating disembodied head of deceased entertainer Warren Oates.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Do not enter the courtyard in the center of the Pentagon. You are a demon, and the courtyard's five-sided configuration will trap you in its confines for eternity.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite what those eggheads in Stockholm say, you will feel no closer to your captors this week than you did at this time last year.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try not to eat anything containing trinitrotolulene this week. That stuff explodes.