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Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1998

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your belief in the omniscience of God will be shaken this week when you happen to see Him lose $78 in a street-corner game of three-card monte.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will learn a little bit about other cultures this week when Rabbit, a Native American trickster god, drops a 10-ton safe on your head.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your significant other will suggest that you both see other people. Put mace in the heater vents of his or her car.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Life imitates art this week when you are lucky enough to witness two guys walking into a bar.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though society has long known the reason for shipping charges, you will gain fame this week when you discover the rationale behind the "handling" charge.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will receive all the recognition you're ever likely to get when you’re awarded your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Ineffectuality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will have a hell of a time explaining to visiting relatives why you're being followed by the floating disembodied head of deceased entertainer Warren Oates.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Do not enter the courtyard in the center of the Pentagon. You are a demon, and the courtyard's five-sided configuration will trap you in its confines for eternity.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite what those eggheads in Stockholm say, you will feel no closer to your captors this week than you did at this time last year.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try not to eat anything containing trinitrotolulene this week. That stuff explodes.

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