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Horoscope for the week of September 24, 2003

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of September 24, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're not evil for contemplating murder. Everyone's done it at one time. You are, however, weak for not having the guts to actually go through with it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll once again lead the field in crashworthiness tests, but they're starting to take a toll on your health.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This is a great week for romance at work, which is a mixed blessing for all of you down there at the old slaughterhouse.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While there are certainly many qualities that you'd change about yourself if you could, it's telling that most of them are physical.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can understand why the guy would be proud, but all the same, you're glad that you're not an Okie from Muskogee.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Try to take the long view: It'll be really cool for the kid who eventually finds your charred skull.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's not true that your best days are behind you. It's true that almost all of your days are behind you, but the best ones are yet to come.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will discover a sound historical reason why we drive on parkways and park on driveways, but people will choose to cling to smug ignorance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    As one who wonders how the world came to be, you're excited to meet your maker. A gentle warning: The person who proposed the trip may have bad intentions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You don't mind having a girlfriend who likes to talk after sex, but the collect-call charges are really starting to add up.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars could reveal your future, but they'd just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.

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