Horoscope for the week of September 24, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 37

Double-Entendre Doesn't Stand Up To Scrutiny

BALTIMORE—Though the risqué comment provoked giggles from coworkers, a double-entendre made by Natural Land Foods cashier Don Mallard Monday failed to hold up upon examination, linguistics expert Randolph Cox said. "The group was thoroughly pleased when Don told Gary [Pickard], 'I'll bet you'll water her plants while she's away,'" Cox said. "But let's look at the phrase 'while she's away.' If she's not physically present, how could sexual relations occur between Gary and his attractive young female neighbor?" Cox called Mallard's attempt at wordplay "a good try."

Tenants Forced To Clean Apartment Before Telling Landlord About Mice

BILLINGS, MT—The three roommates residing at 320 Sycamore Ave. #4 were forced to thoroughly clean up their living space before they could inform landlord George Hayton that it was infested with mice, the tenants said Tuesday. "We don't want slumlord George acting like the mice are our fault," said Keith Paucek, 20, as he hauled four garbage bags to the curb. "He's just the kind of guy to make some comment about there being three weeks' worth of dishes in the sink." Paucek last avoided the landlord's criticism by removing the grill and charred couch before asking him to replace the porch.

Area Woman Can't Bring Herself To Pardon Store's Appearance

THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Despite the prominent sign posted outside a Nordstrom department store asking shoppers to "Pardon Our Appearance," Gina Calvert, 56, could not bring herself to do so Monday. "This is inexcusable," Calvert said. "There are exposed beams and hastily built temporary walls everywhere I look. I'm sorry, but this is just too far out of line." Calvert said she will take her business to Macy's until Nordstrom begins to show its customers some respect.

Church, State Joyfully Reunite After 230-Year Trial Separation

WASHINGTON, DC—Following a two-and-a-quarter-century-long trial separation, Church and State reunited in the U.S. Department of Justice press room Monday. "Even through all the bad times, I knew there had to be a way to get these two old friends back together," Attorney General John Ashcroft said. "With a little counseling and faith-based intervention, I knew Church and State would work it out. It was meant to be." Effective Oct. 15, prayer will be mandatory in public schools and congressional sessions will open with Holy Communion.

Personal Magnet-ism

What do the following things have in common: a witch on a broomstick, a smiling carrot, a pig wearing a chef's hat, Tweety Bird, a vase of violets, a clam with googly eyes, a genie, Mr. Peanut, and a butterfly with plastic wings? No, they're not the names on the roster of some crazy baseball team. They're all magnets on the trusty Teasdale refrigerator!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 24, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You're not evil for contemplating murder. Everyone's done it at one time. You are, however, weak for not having the guts to actually go through with it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll once again lead the field in crashworthiness tests, but they're starting to take a toll on your health.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    This is a great week for romance at work, which is a mixed blessing for all of you down there at the old slaughterhouse.
  • Leo

    Leo

    While there are certainly many qualities that you'd change about yourself if you could, it's telling that most of them are physical.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You can understand why the guy would be proud, but all the same, you're glad that you're not an Okie from Muskogee.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Try to take the long view: It'll be really cool for the kid who eventually finds your charred skull.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It's not true that your best days are behind you. It's true that almost all of your days are behind you, but the best ones are yet to come.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will discover a sound historical reason why we drive on parkways and park on driveways, but people will choose to cling to smug ignorance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    As one who wonders how the world came to be, you're excited to meet your maker. A gentle warning: The person who proposed the trip may have bad intentions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You don't mind having a girlfriend who likes to talk after sex, but the collect-call charges are really starting to add up.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars could reveal your future, but they'd just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.
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