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Horoscope for the week of September 24, 2003

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A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of September 24, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're not evil for contemplating murder. Everyone's done it at one time. You are, however, weak for not having the guts to actually go through with it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll once again lead the field in crashworthiness tests, but they're starting to take a toll on your health.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This is a great week for romance at work, which is a mixed blessing for all of you down there at the old slaughterhouse.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While there are certainly many qualities that you'd change about yourself if you could, it's telling that most of them are physical.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can understand why the guy would be proud, but all the same, you're glad that you're not an Okie from Muskogee.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Try to take the long view: It'll be really cool for the kid who eventually finds your charred skull.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's not true that your best days are behind you. It's true that almost all of your days are behind you, but the best ones are yet to come.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will discover a sound historical reason why we drive on parkways and park on driveways, but people will choose to cling to smug ignorance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    As one who wonders how the world came to be, you're excited to meet your maker. A gentle warning: The person who proposed the trip may have bad intentions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You don't mind having a girlfriend who likes to talk after sex, but the collect-call charges are really starting to add up.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars could reveal your future, but they'd just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.

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