Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You're not evil for contemplating murder. Everyone's done it at one time. You are, however, weak for not having the guts to actually go through with it.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll once again lead the field in crashworthiness tests, but they're starting to take a toll on your health.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
This is a great week for romance at work, which is a mixed blessing for all of you down there at the old slaughterhouse.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While there are certainly many qualities that you'd change about yourself if you could, it's telling that most of them are physical.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You can understand why the guy would
be proud, but all the same, you're glad
that you're not an Okie from Muskogee.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Try to take the long view: It'll be really cool for the kid who eventually finds your charred skull.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It's not true that your best days are behind you. It's true that almost all of your days are behind you, but the best ones are yet to come.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will discover a sound historical reason why we drive on parkways and park on driveways, but people will choose to cling to smug ignorance.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
As one who wonders how the world came to be, you're excited to meet your maker. A gentle warning: The person who proposed the trip may have bad intentions.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You don't mind having a girlfriend who likes to talk after sex, but the collect-call charges are really starting to add up.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars could reveal your future, but they'd just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.