adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of September 24, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of September 24, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're not evil for contemplating murder. Everyone's done it at one time. You are, however, weak for not having the guts to actually go through with it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll once again lead the field in crashworthiness tests, but they're starting to take a toll on your health.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This is a great week for romance at work, which is a mixed blessing for all of you down there at the old slaughterhouse.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While there are certainly many qualities that you'd change about yourself if you could, it's telling that most of them are physical.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can understand why the guy would be proud, but all the same, you're glad that you're not an Okie from Muskogee.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Try to take the long view: It'll be really cool for the kid who eventually finds your charred skull.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's not true that your best days are behind you. It's true that almost all of your days are behind you, but the best ones are yet to come.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will discover a sound historical reason why we drive on parkways and park on driveways, but people will choose to cling to smug ignorance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    As one who wonders how the world came to be, you're excited to meet your maker. A gentle warning: The person who proposed the trip may have bad intentions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You don't mind having a girlfriend who likes to talk after sex, but the collect-call charges are really starting to add up.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars could reveal your future, but they'd just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close