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Horoscope for the week of September 24, 2003

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Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.
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Horoscope for the week of September 24, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're not evil for contemplating murder. Everyone's done it at one time. You are, however, weak for not having the guts to actually go through with it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll once again lead the field in crashworthiness tests, but they're starting to take a toll on your health.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This is a great week for romance at work, which is a mixed blessing for all of you down there at the old slaughterhouse.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While there are certainly many qualities that you'd change about yourself if you could, it's telling that most of them are physical.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can understand why the guy would be proud, but all the same, you're glad that you're not an Okie from Muskogee.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Try to take the long view: It'll be really cool for the kid who eventually finds your charred skull.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's not true that your best days are behind you. It's true that almost all of your days are behind you, but the best ones are yet to come.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will discover a sound historical reason why we drive on parkways and park on driveways, but people will choose to cling to smug ignorance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    As one who wonders how the world came to be, you're excited to meet your maker. A gentle warning: The person who proposed the trip may have bad intentions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You don't mind having a girlfriend who likes to talk after sex, but the collect-call charges are really starting to add up.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars could reveal your future, but they'd just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.

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