Horoscope for the week of September 25, 1996

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Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Originality

Horoscope for the week of September 25, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    God Himself will be powerless to save you from the seductive wiles of Chrysler Corporation Executive Chairman Bob Lutz.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fire magics are strong in Taurus this week. Carry a steel dog tag in one shoe to help rescue workers identify your charred and blasted corpse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Childhood fears rear their ugly head once more this week when a mistakenly swallowed seed results in a 12-pound watermelon growing out of your rectum.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Strong Earth magic in the Crab indicates success waiting for you in the challenging, fast-paced world of professional grave robbery.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's time to let bygones be bygones. Release Angela Lansbury from the basement after one last beating.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The shock of Rick Dees untimely death is softened somewhat when his will names you as the new Arbiter of Cool.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You hardly even matter any more. Libra will be soon be cancelled without further notice.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The appearance of an adorable stray kitten means great Thai food for you and a mysterious stranger.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Shame will dog your heels this week when a musical based on your life is banned in New York, but earns rave reviews in the ultra-conservative, Bible-thumping Deep South.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nobody is surprised at your cowardice when you hide in the basement after being challenged to a duel to the death by sultry songstress Eartha Kitt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your value rises when the president develops an urge to drink sacramental wine from your skull and places a million-dollar bounty on your head.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll have a heartwarming week when you, your adorable basset hound Snoops and a lovable band of misfits hijack a bus and go on a tri-state killing spree.