Aries | March 21 to April 19
God Himself will be powerless to save you from the seductive wiles of Chrysler Corporation Executive Chairman Bob Lutz.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Fire magics are strong in Taurus this week. Carry a steel dog tag in one shoe to help rescue workers identify your charred and blasted corpse.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Childhood fears rear their ugly head once more this week when a mistakenly swallowed seed results in a 12-pound watermelon growing out of your rectum.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Strong Earth magic in the Crab indicates success waiting for you in the challenging, fast-paced world of professional grave robbery.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It's time to let bygones be bygones. Release Angela Lansbury from the basement after one last beating.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The shock of Rick Dees untimely death is softened somewhat when his will names you as the new Arbiter of Cool.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You hardly even matter any more. Libra will be soon be cancelled without further notice.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The appearance of an adorable stray kitten means great Thai food for you and a mysterious stranger.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Shame will dog your heels this week when a musical based on your life is banned in New York, but earns rave reviews in the ultra-conservative, Bible-thumping Deep South.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Nobody is surprised at your cowardice when you hide in the basement after being challenged to a duel to the death by sultry songstress Eartha Kitt.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your value rises when the president develops an urge to drink sacramental wine from your skull and places a million-dollar bounty on your head.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll have a heartwarming week when you, your adorable basset hound Snoops and a lovable band of misfits hijack a bus and go on a tri-state killing spree.
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