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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Horoscope for the week of September 25, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    God Himself will be powerless to save you from the seductive wiles of Chrysler Corporation Executive Chairman Bob Lutz.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fire magics are strong in Taurus this week. Carry a steel dog tag in one shoe to help rescue workers identify your charred and blasted corpse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Childhood fears rear their ugly head once more this week when a mistakenly swallowed seed results in a 12-pound watermelon growing out of your rectum.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Strong Earth magic in the Crab indicates success waiting for you in the challenging, fast-paced world of professional grave robbery.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's time to let bygones be bygones. Release Angela Lansbury from the basement after one last beating.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The shock of Rick Dees untimely death is softened somewhat when his will names you as the new Arbiter of Cool.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You hardly even matter any more. Libra will be soon be cancelled without further notice.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The appearance of an adorable stray kitten means great Thai food for you and a mysterious stranger.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Shame will dog your heels this week when a musical based on your life is banned in New York, but earns rave reviews in the ultra-conservative, Bible-thumping Deep South.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nobody is surprised at your cowardice when you hide in the basement after being challenged to a duel to the death by sultry songstress Eartha Kitt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your value rises when the president develops an urge to drink sacramental wine from your skull and places a million-dollar bounty on your head.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll have a heartwarming week when you, your adorable basset hound Snoops and a lovable band of misfits hijack a bus and go on a tri-state killing spree.

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