Horoscope for the week of September 25, 1996

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Vol 30 Issue 07

Hero Firefighter: 'I'm A Hero'

MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who saved an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by himself as a hero. "What I did was incredibly brave," said Koonce, who descended all the way down the three-foot-wide well to recover eight-month-old Midland resident Melissa Sims. "In selflessly risking my own life to rescue little Melissa, I am an inspiration to those around me and proof that heroes do exist." Koonce noted that once the girl was recovered, he performed rescue breathing on her, reviving her from a semi-unconscious state. "I saved this child," he said. "I am Yahweh, giver of Life."

Infomercial Host Skeptical At First, Then Delighted By Product

LOS ANGELES—After several minutes of heavy skepticism, television star and compensated product endorser Tom Wopat was won over by the DeFroster 2000, a revolutionary new device that defrosts frozen foods in literally seconds. "It's impossible," a disbelieving Wopat said after hearing about the remarkable product, available through an exclusive television offer for $24.99. "Why, this steak is frozen solid." Moments later, Wopat broke out in astonished laughter as the DeFroster 2000 proved him wrong. Wopat added that he is available for work.

Singer Cites Girlfriend As Reason He Lives, Dies, Breaks Down, Cries

NASHVILLE, TN—According to a song recently recorded by aspiring country singer Colin Barnett, longtime girlfriend Lori Sue Jennings is the reason he lives, dies, breaks down and cries. "Ooh... Lori Sue...," the song stated, "you're the reason I live, you're the reason I die, you're the reason that each night I fall and break down and cry." Reportedly, in addition to reducing Barnett to tears, Jennings is the woman without whom there is no him. It is widely believed that Jennings has such a tremendous effect on Barnett because she is all he's got in this world.

I Have Not Eaten Since 1978

What does food taste like? I cannot remember. This is because in 1978, my stomach and most of my small intestine had to be removed. All of my nourishment comes from intravenous tubes and subcutaneous injections.

The Great Wal-Mart of China

Wal-Mart recently opened its first store in China, bringing its wide selection and everyday low prices to a virtually untapped new market of more than one billion. What do you think about this American retail giant's invasion of the Far East?

How We Made It Through The Great Recession

The year was 1987, a time I'll never forget. The country was in the grips of the Great Recession, the worst economic crisis my generation had ever known. In October of that year, the bottom fell out of the market, tumbling a record 508 points in a single day. Back then I was green as hell, working with discretionary accounts at Tanner & Reamish with little more to show for myself than an office overlooking Wall Street and a few hundred thou in convertible securities. But I found out real quick what life was like back in '87.

I Despise Our Local Weather Coverage

I can no longer tolerate our local weather coverage. I turn on the Channel 7 news at 5, and for the first 20 minutes I get wonderful, beaming smiles and perfect hairdos on news anchors who banter back and forth amidst features that stress the hominess of our ABC affiliate. Some nights I'm so touched by the KidCares feature that I break down and cry in my TV dinner. I just can't get enough of those anchors!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Horoscope for the week of September 25, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries

    God Himself will be powerless to save you from the seductive wiles of Chrysler Corporation Executive Chairman Bob Lutz.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Fire magics are strong in Taurus this week. Carry a steel dog tag in one shoe to help rescue workers identify your charred and blasted corpse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Childhood fears rear their ugly head once more this week when a mistakenly swallowed seed results in a 12-pound watermelon growing out of your rectum.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Strong Earth magic in the Crab indicates success waiting for you in the challenging, fast-paced world of professional grave robbery.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It's time to let bygones be bygones. Release Angela Lansbury from the basement after one last beating.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The shock of Rick Dees untimely death is softened somewhat when his will names you as the new Arbiter of Cool.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You hardly even matter any more. Libra will be soon be cancelled without further notice.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The appearance of an adorable stray kitten means great Thai food for you and a mysterious stranger.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Shame will dog your heels this week when a musical based on your life is banned in New York, but earns rave reviews in the ultra-conservative, Bible-thumping Deep South.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Nobody is surprised at your cowardice when you hide in the basement after being challenged to a duel to the death by sultry songstress Eartha Kitt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your value rises when the president develops an urge to drink sacramental wine from your skull and places a million-dollar bounty on your head.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll have a heartwarming week when you, your adorable basset hound Snoops and a lovable band of misfits hijack a bus and go on a tri-state killing spree.
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