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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Horoscope for the week of September 25, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    God Himself will be powerless to save you from the seductive wiles of Chrysler Corporation Executive Chairman Bob Lutz.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fire magics are strong in Taurus this week. Carry a steel dog tag in one shoe to help rescue workers identify your charred and blasted corpse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Childhood fears rear their ugly head once more this week when a mistakenly swallowed seed results in a 12-pound watermelon growing out of your rectum.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Strong Earth magic in the Crab indicates success waiting for you in the challenging, fast-paced world of professional grave robbery.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's time to let bygones be bygones. Release Angela Lansbury from the basement after one last beating.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The shock of Rick Dees untimely death is softened somewhat when his will names you as the new Arbiter of Cool.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You hardly even matter any more. Libra will be soon be cancelled without further notice.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The appearance of an adorable stray kitten means great Thai food for you and a mysterious stranger.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Shame will dog your heels this week when a musical based on your life is banned in New York, but earns rave reviews in the ultra-conservative, Bible-thumping Deep South.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nobody is surprised at your cowardice when you hide in the basement after being challenged to a duel to the death by sultry songstress Eartha Kitt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your value rises when the president develops an urge to drink sacramental wine from your skull and places a million-dollar bounty on your head.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll have a heartwarming week when you, your adorable basset hound Snoops and a lovable band of misfits hijack a bus and go on a tri-state killing spree.

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