Horoscope for the week of September 25, 1996

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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of September 25, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    God Himself will be powerless to save you from the seductive wiles of Chrysler Corporation Executive Chairman Bob Lutz.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fire magics are strong in Taurus this week. Carry a steel dog tag in one shoe to help rescue workers identify your charred and blasted corpse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Childhood fears rear their ugly head once more this week when a mistakenly swallowed seed results in a 12-pound watermelon growing out of your rectum.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Strong Earth magic in the Crab indicates success waiting for you in the challenging, fast-paced world of professional grave robbery.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's time to let bygones be bygones. Release Angela Lansbury from the basement after one last beating.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The shock of Rick Dees untimely death is softened somewhat when his will names you as the new Arbiter of Cool.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You hardly even matter any more. Libra will be soon be cancelled without further notice.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The appearance of an adorable stray kitten means great Thai food for you and a mysterious stranger.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Shame will dog your heels this week when a musical based on your life is banned in New York, but earns rave reviews in the ultra-conservative, Bible-thumping Deep South.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nobody is surprised at your cowardice when you hide in the basement after being challenged to a duel to the death by sultry songstress Eartha Kitt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your value rises when the president develops an urge to drink sacramental wine from your skull and places a million-dollar bounty on your head.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll have a heartwarming week when you, your adorable basset hound Snoops and a lovable band of misfits hijack a bus and go on a tri-state killing spree.