adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Both of your city's mayoral candidates will take a cheap and easy stab at popularity bycondemning you as a major part of their platforms.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack ofwoodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week's events will involve elaborate sets, a full orchestra, and more than 40costume changes as you redefine the term "trial of the century."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will learn afterwards that the interesting and painful experience is known as"keelhauling."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you are, indeed, woman, it is difficult to hear you roar. Speak up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just so you know, Orwell's vision of the future as "a boot stamping on a humanfaceóforever" is not supposed to be sexy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headedyour way.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Please stop telling your lover that you will give her the stars in the sky. You have noidea how much we Zodiac folks resent it when people do that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest isnow your common-law wife.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your showbiz career is progressing nicely, you won't be a true success until youhave earned the respect and approval of your lawyer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It’s true that if you laugh the world laughs with you, but in your case you’ll have to spend some time explaining the joke.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close