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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Both of your city's mayoral candidates will take a cheap and easy stab at popularity bycondemning you as a major part of their platforms.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack ofwoodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week's events will involve elaborate sets, a full orchestra, and more than 40costume changes as you redefine the term "trial of the century."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will learn afterwards that the interesting and painful experience is known as"keelhauling."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you are, indeed, woman, it is difficult to hear you roar. Speak up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just so you know, Orwell's vision of the future as "a boot stamping on a humanfaceóforever" is not supposed to be sexy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headedyour way.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Please stop telling your lover that you will give her the stars in the sky. You have noidea how much we Zodiac folks resent it when people do that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest isnow your common-law wife.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your showbiz career is progressing nicely, you won't be a true success until youhave earned the respect and approval of your lawyer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It’s true that if you laugh the world laughs with you, but in your case you’ll have to spend some time explaining the joke.

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