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Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2001

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Both of your city's mayoral candidates will take a cheap and easy stab at popularity bycondemning you as a major part of their platforms.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack ofwoodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week's events will involve elaborate sets, a full orchestra, and more than 40costume changes as you redefine the term "trial of the century."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will learn afterwards that the interesting and painful experience is known as"keelhauling."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you are, indeed, woman, it is difficult to hear you roar. Speak up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just so you know, Orwell's vision of the future as "a boot stamping on a humanfaceóforever" is not supposed to be sexy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headedyour way.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Please stop telling your lover that you will give her the stars in the sky. You have noidea how much we Zodiac folks resent it when people do that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest isnow your common-law wife.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your showbiz career is progressing nicely, you won't be a true success until youhave earned the respect and approval of your lawyer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It’s true that if you laugh the world laughs with you, but in your case you’ll have to spend some time explaining the joke.

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