Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2001

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Both of your city's mayoral candidates will take a cheap and easy stab at popularity bycondemning you as a major part of their platforms.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack ofwoodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week's events will involve elaborate sets, a full orchestra, and more than 40costume changes as you redefine the term "trial of the century."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will learn afterwards that the interesting and painful experience is known as"keelhauling."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you are, indeed, woman, it is difficult to hear you roar. Speak up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just so you know, Orwell's vision of the future as "a boot stamping on a humanfaceóforever" is not supposed to be sexy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headedyour way.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Please stop telling your lover that you will give her the stars in the sky. You have noidea how much we Zodiac folks resent it when people do that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest isnow your common-law wife.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your showbiz career is progressing nicely, you won't be a true success until youhave earned the respect and approval of your lawyer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It’s true that if you laugh the world laughs with you, but in your case you’ll have to spend some time explaining the joke.