Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2002

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It will be hard for you to fill Dick Clark's shoes, so be sure to use a high-quality hydraulic cement.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your moodiness, lack of productivity, and wasteful habit of just riding around the main roads will get you fired from your job as a Wichita-area lineman.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be the first one put up against the wall in next week's bloody revolution in skin care.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It takes a lot to offend you, but you are profoundly outraged that Ricky Schroeder is hosting the new American Sportsman.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    For the last time: Yes, there is a parasitic life form growing in some sort of pod deep inside your body, but this is perfectly normal for a pregnant woman.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Tired of the austerity of modern architecture and disdainful of minimalist doctrine, you'll probably just stay home and order a pizza Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The gods, in their jealous wrath, will command you to perform the labors of Hercules next week, but it turns out to be a snap with the aid of modern technology.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will come close to being a hero next Friday when you nearly push an old lady out of the way of a speeding bus.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: Doing the right thing is nowhere near as important as whether others think you're cool.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You won't be too worried about the buildup of trinitrotolulene in your system, until you figure out it's the scientific term for dynamite.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Being an animated skeleton wouldn't be all that bad if it weren't for the incessant xylophone music.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close