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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It will be hard for you to fill Dick Clark's shoes, so be sure to use a high-quality hydraulic cement.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your moodiness, lack of productivity, and wasteful habit of just riding around the main roads will get you fired from your job as a Wichita-area lineman.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be the first one put up against the wall in next week's bloody revolution in skin care.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It takes a lot to offend you, but you are profoundly outraged that Ricky Schroeder is hosting the new American Sportsman.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    For the last time: Yes, there is a parasitic life form growing in some sort of pod deep inside your body, but this is perfectly normal for a pregnant woman.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Tired of the austerity of modern architecture and disdainful of minimalist doctrine, you'll probably just stay home and order a pizza Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The gods, in their jealous wrath, will command you to perform the labors of Hercules next week, but it turns out to be a snap with the aid of modern technology.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will come close to being a hero next Friday when you nearly push an old lady out of the way of a speeding bus.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: Doing the right thing is nowhere near as important as whether others think you're cool.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You won't be too worried about the buildup of trinitrotolulene in your system, until you figure out it's the scientific term for dynamite.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Being an animated skeleton wouldn't be all that bad if it weren't for the incessant xylophone music.

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