Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 35

Temp Replaced With Cheaper Temp

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—In a personnel move expected to save the company $17 a day, Cyntrel Fiberoptics replaced longtime Manpower temp worker Paulette Riordan with lower-paid MetroTemp employee Don Sendelbach. "Paulette was a familiar face in this office who we all very much liked," departmental supervisor William Youmans said. "But with the economy the way it is, tough decisions sometimes have to be made. Don's really learning the ropes well." Riordan's plans for the future include calling Manpower to inquire about openings in other offices.

B*A*P*S Rented On Strength Of Academy Award-Winning Stars

IRVING, TX—Blockbuster Video customer Stephanie Campbell rented the 1997 comedy B*A*P*S Tuesday, swayed by the presence of Oscar-winners Halle Berry and Martin Landau. "Wow, this is a pretty impressive cast," said Campbell, studying the back of the video box. "Talk about heavy hitters—it's even got Ian Richardson." Campbell ensured an evening of top-notch movie-watching by also renting Loaded Weapon I, which features Oscar-winner F. Murray Abraham.

American Idol Winner Already Complaining About Pressures Of Fame

NEW YORK—Kelly Clarkson, the winner of Fox's American Idol, griped about the pressures of her weeks-old celebrity Monday during an appearance on Live! With Regis And Kelly. "Being a star is amazing, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but sometimes it's like, 'Can I please have, like, one second to myself?'" Clarkson said. "Everyone wants a piece of you, and there is zero privacy." Clarkson, who performed her debut single "A Moment Like This" on Live!, said she plans to spend the next month "recharging at a secluded desert spa."

Hotel Bar Really Hopping Tonight, Says Hotel Bartender

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—According to George Fontana, the Grand Rapids Hilton's Tiki Town bar and lounge is "really hopping tonight," the 46-year-old hotel bartender reported Monday. "Usually, Mondays are pretty slow around here," Fontana said. "But it's been non-stop since about 10. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure why. I'd say it was the dental-supply convention, but most of those fellas are staying over at the Radisson." Fontana added that if the rush keeps up, he may have to unlock the supply closet to get a fresh box of olive picks.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Personal Finance

Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    It will be hard for you to fill Dick Clark's shoes, so be sure to use a high-quality hydraulic cement.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your moodiness, lack of productivity, and wasteful habit of just riding around the main roads will get you fired from your job as a Wichita-area lineman.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be the first one put up against the wall in next week's bloody revolution in skin care.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It takes a lot to offend you, but you are profoundly outraged that Ricky Schroeder is hosting the new American Sportsman.
  • Leo

    Leo

    For the last time: Yes, there is a parasitic life form growing in some sort of pod deep inside your body, but this is perfectly normal for a pregnant woman.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Tired of the austerity of modern architecture and disdainful of minimalist doctrine, you'll probably just stay home and order a pizza Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The gods, in their jealous wrath, will command you to perform the labors of Hercules next week, but it turns out to be a snap with the aid of modern technology.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will come close to being a hero next Friday when you nearly push an old lady out of the way of a speeding bus.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Remember: Doing the right thing is nowhere near as important as whether others think you're cool.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You won't be too worried about the buildup of trinitrotolulene in your system, until you figure out it's the scientific term for dynamite.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Being an animated skeleton wouldn't be all that bad if it weren't for the incessant xylophone music.
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