Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2002

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It will be hard for you to fill Dick Clark's shoes, so be sure to use a high-quality hydraulic cement.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your moodiness, lack of productivity, and wasteful habit of just riding around the main roads will get you fired from your job as a Wichita-area lineman.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be the first one put up against the wall in next week's bloody revolution in skin care.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It takes a lot to offend you, but you are profoundly outraged that Ricky Schroeder is hosting the new American Sportsman.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    For the last time: Yes, there is a parasitic life form growing in some sort of pod deep inside your body, but this is perfectly normal for a pregnant woman.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Tired of the austerity of modern architecture and disdainful of minimalist doctrine, you'll probably just stay home and order a pizza Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The gods, in their jealous wrath, will command you to perform the labors of Hercules next week, but it turns out to be a snap with the aid of modern technology.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will come close to being a hero next Friday when you nearly push an old lady out of the way of a speeding bus.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: Doing the right thing is nowhere near as important as whether others think you're cool.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You won't be too worried about the buildup of trinitrotolulene in your system, until you figure out it's the scientific term for dynamite.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Being an animated skeleton wouldn't be all that bad if it weren't for the incessant xylophone music.