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Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2002

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It will be hard for you to fill Dick Clark's shoes, so be sure to use a high-quality hydraulic cement.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your moodiness, lack of productivity, and wasteful habit of just riding around the main roads will get you fired from your job as a Wichita-area lineman.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be the first one put up against the wall in next week's bloody revolution in skin care.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It takes a lot to offend you, but you are profoundly outraged that Ricky Schroeder is hosting the new American Sportsman.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    For the last time: Yes, there is a parasitic life form growing in some sort of pod deep inside your body, but this is perfectly normal for a pregnant woman.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Tired of the austerity of modern architecture and disdainful of minimalist doctrine, you'll probably just stay home and order a pizza Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The gods, in their jealous wrath, will command you to perform the labors of Hercules next week, but it turns out to be a snap with the aid of modern technology.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will come close to being a hero next Friday when you nearly push an old lady out of the way of a speeding bus.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: Doing the right thing is nowhere near as important as whether others think you're cool.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You won't be too worried about the buildup of trinitrotolulene in your system, until you figure out it's the scientific term for dynamite.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Being an animated skeleton wouldn't be all that bad if it weren't for the incessant xylophone music.

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