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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Horoscope for the week of September 27, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When all is said and done, you're going to miss the Whitewater investigation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After nine attempts, nearly a million dollars spent, and the deaths of nine Sherpa guides, you will finally make it to the top of K8492, the world's 8,492nd-highest mountain.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The very future of humanity probably won't hinge on your knowing the difference between igneous and sedimentary rock, but, hey, you never know.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If Cancer hears one more "crab" joke, it's no more handsome, dark strangers for a whole yearñunderstand?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will soon find out how far you can push the famous Aussie sense of humor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The problem with people like you is that you're always procrastinating. That and weakened pulmonary arteries.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sorry, nothing for you this week. Check back in seven days for exciting out-of-control-gasoline-truck news.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be drugged, hustled into the back of a van, and abducted to Utah, where mysterious operatives will make you a better real-estate agent.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars have decided to fulfill an age-old prophecy and fall on Alabama. Get out of Mobile now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When your doctor prescribed Magnitor, you thought it was an anti-depressant, not a mutant 500-foot lizard-gorilla creature with nuclear vision.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll have plenty of time in jail to think about what you've done while spending the next 34 years as a prison guard.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces is proud to announce its merger with British banking giant NatWest. However, your position will be terminated as of Oct. 15. Thank you.

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