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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of September 27, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When all is said and done, you're going to miss the Whitewater investigation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After nine attempts, nearly a million dollars spent, and the deaths of nine Sherpa guides, you will finally make it to the top of K8492, the world's 8,492nd-highest mountain.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The very future of humanity probably won't hinge on your knowing the difference between igneous and sedimentary rock, but, hey, you never know.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If Cancer hears one more "crab" joke, it's no more handsome, dark strangers for a whole yearñunderstand?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will soon find out how far you can push the famous Aussie sense of humor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The problem with people like you is that you're always procrastinating. That and weakened pulmonary arteries.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sorry, nothing for you this week. Check back in seven days for exciting out-of-control-gasoline-truck news.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be drugged, hustled into the back of a van, and abducted to Utah, where mysterious operatives will make you a better real-estate agent.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars have decided to fulfill an age-old prophecy and fall on Alabama. Get out of Mobile now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When your doctor prescribed Magnitor, you thought it was an anti-depressant, not a mutant 500-foot lizard-gorilla creature with nuclear vision.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll have plenty of time in jail to think about what you've done while spending the next 34 years as a prison guard.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces is proud to announce its merger with British banking giant NatWest. However, your position will be terminated as of Oct. 15. Thank you.

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