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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Horoscope for the week of September 27, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When all is said and done, you're going to miss the Whitewater investigation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After nine attempts, nearly a million dollars spent, and the deaths of nine Sherpa guides, you will finally make it to the top of K8492, the world's 8,492nd-highest mountain.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The very future of humanity probably won't hinge on your knowing the difference between igneous and sedimentary rock, but, hey, you never know.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If Cancer hears one more "crab" joke, it's no more handsome, dark strangers for a whole yearñunderstand?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will soon find out how far you can push the famous Aussie sense of humor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The problem with people like you is that you're always procrastinating. That and weakened pulmonary arteries.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sorry, nothing for you this week. Check back in seven days for exciting out-of-control-gasoline-truck news.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be drugged, hustled into the back of a van, and abducted to Utah, where mysterious operatives will make you a better real-estate agent.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars have decided to fulfill an age-old prophecy and fall on Alabama. Get out of Mobile now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When your doctor prescribed Magnitor, you thought it was an anti-depressant, not a mutant 500-foot lizard-gorilla creature with nuclear vision.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll have plenty of time in jail to think about what you've done while spending the next 34 years as a prison guard.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces is proud to announce its merger with British banking giant NatWest. However, your position will be terminated as of Oct. 15. Thank you.

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