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Horoscope for the week of September 27, 2000

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of September 27, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When all is said and done, you're going to miss the Whitewater investigation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After nine attempts, nearly a million dollars spent, and the deaths of nine Sherpa guides, you will finally make it to the top of K8492, the world's 8,492nd-highest mountain.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The very future of humanity probably won't hinge on your knowing the difference between igneous and sedimentary rock, but, hey, you never know.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If Cancer hears one more "crab" joke, it's no more handsome, dark strangers for a whole yearñunderstand?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will soon find out how far you can push the famous Aussie sense of humor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The problem with people like you is that you're always procrastinating. That and weakened pulmonary arteries.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sorry, nothing for you this week. Check back in seven days for exciting out-of-control-gasoline-truck news.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be drugged, hustled into the back of a van, and abducted to Utah, where mysterious operatives will make you a better real-estate agent.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars have decided to fulfill an age-old prophecy and fall on Alabama. Get out of Mobile now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When your doctor prescribed Magnitor, you thought it was an anti-depressant, not a mutant 500-foot lizard-gorilla creature with nuclear vision.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll have plenty of time in jail to think about what you've done while spending the next 34 years as a prison guard.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces is proud to announce its merger with British banking giant NatWest. However, your position will be terminated as of Oct. 15. Thank you.

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