Horoscope for the week of September 27, 2000

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Horoscope for the week of September 27, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When all is said and done, you're going to miss the Whitewater investigation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After nine attempts, nearly a million dollars spent, and the deaths of nine Sherpa guides, you will finally make it to the top of K8492, the world's 8,492nd-highest mountain.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The very future of humanity probably won't hinge on your knowing the difference between igneous and sedimentary rock, but, hey, you never know.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If Cancer hears one more "crab" joke, it's no more handsome, dark strangers for a whole yearñunderstand?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will soon find out how far you can push the famous Aussie sense of humor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The problem with people like you is that you're always procrastinating. That and weakened pulmonary arteries.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sorry, nothing for you this week. Check back in seven days for exciting out-of-control-gasoline-truck news.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be drugged, hustled into the back of a van, and abducted to Utah, where mysterious operatives will make you a better real-estate agent.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars have decided to fulfill an age-old prophecy and fall on Alabama. Get out of Mobile now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When your doctor prescribed Magnitor, you thought it was an anti-depressant, not a mutant 500-foot lizard-gorilla creature with nuclear vision.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll have plenty of time in jail to think about what you've done while spending the next 34 years as a prison guard.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces is proud to announce its merger with British banking giant NatWest. However, your position will be terminated as of Oct. 15. Thank you.


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