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Horoscope for the week of September 29, 1999

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Originality

Horoscope for the week of September 29, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though the divine order from the Archangel Michael is clear, you find it impossible to decide if it should be Hall or Oates who pays for our sins.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars say hello from a neat little roadside cafe in Montana this week. They would write more, but there isn't a lot of room on the postcard.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mercury is rising in your sign this week. Take immediate action, or Gemini runs the risk of permanent physical and mental damage from heavy-metal poisoning.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: There's always someone out there who loves you, so be careful walking home late at night.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will experience the joy of seeing a small child's face light up like a Christmas tree when you grind your cigarette into his gasoline-soaked hair.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will get some really good drugs this week. Unfortunately, it might as well be aspirin for all it does for your leukemia.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be forced to quit your job to concentrate on being a better Lutheran.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're charged full of energy this week, which is not surprising, as you are a charmed quark.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your love life will come to a sudden halt this week at the very same moment your biological life does.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon have the best day you've had in a while. Of course, that just means no rapacious walruses, but you have to start somewhere.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite the best efforts of your parents and the educational advantages you've enjoyed, you still have a favorite ad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A long-lost lover will turn up unexpectedly and complicate your life. Next time, weigh down the corpse better and sink it away from the current.

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