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Horoscope for the week of September 29, 1999

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of September 29, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though the divine order from the Archangel Michael is clear, you find it impossible to decide if it should be Hall or Oates who pays for our sins.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars say hello from a neat little roadside cafe in Montana this week. They would write more, but there isn't a lot of room on the postcard.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mercury is rising in your sign this week. Take immediate action, or Gemini runs the risk of permanent physical and mental damage from heavy-metal poisoning.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: There's always someone out there who loves you, so be careful walking home late at night.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will experience the joy of seeing a small child's face light up like a Christmas tree when you grind your cigarette into his gasoline-soaked hair.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will get some really good drugs this week. Unfortunately, it might as well be aspirin for all it does for your leukemia.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be forced to quit your job to concentrate on being a better Lutheran.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're charged full of energy this week, which is not surprising, as you are a charmed quark.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your love life will come to a sudden halt this week at the very same moment your biological life does.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon have the best day you've had in a while. Of course, that just means no rapacious walruses, but you have to start somewhere.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite the best efforts of your parents and the educational advantages you've enjoyed, you still have a favorite ad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A long-lost lover will turn up unexpectedly and complicate your life. Next time, weigh down the corpse better and sink it away from the current.

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