Aries | March 21 to April 19
Though the divine order from the Archangel Michael is clear, you find it impossible to decide if it should be Hall or Oates who pays for our sins.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars say hello from a neat little roadside cafe in Montana this week. They would write more, but there isn't a lot of room on the postcard.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Mercury is rising in your sign this week. Take immediate action, or Gemini runs the risk of permanent physical and mental damage from heavy-metal poisoning.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Remember: There's always someone out there who loves you, so be careful walking home late at night.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will experience the joy of seeing a small child's face light up like a Christmas tree when you grind your cigarette into his gasoline-soaked hair.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will get some really good drugs this week. Unfortunately, it might as well be aspirin for all it does for your leukemia.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be forced to quit your job to concentrate on being a better Lutheran.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You're charged full of energy this week, which is not surprising, as you are a charmed quark.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your love life will come to a sudden halt this week at the very same moment your biological life does.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will soon have the best day you've had in a while. Of course, that just means no rapacious walruses, but you have to start somewhere.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Despite the best efforts of your parents and the educational advantages you've enjoyed, you still have a favorite ad.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
A long-lost lover will turn up unexpectedly and complicate your life. Next time, weigh down the corpse better and sink it away from the current.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION