adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of September 29, 1999

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of September 29, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though the divine order from the Archangel Michael is clear, you find it impossible to decide if it should be Hall or Oates who pays for our sins.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars say hello from a neat little roadside cafe in Montana this week. They would write more, but there isn't a lot of room on the postcard.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mercury is rising in your sign this week. Take immediate action, or Gemini runs the risk of permanent physical and mental damage from heavy-metal poisoning.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: There's always someone out there who loves you, so be careful walking home late at night.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will experience the joy of seeing a small child's face light up like a Christmas tree when you grind your cigarette into his gasoline-soaked hair.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will get some really good drugs this week. Unfortunately, it might as well be aspirin for all it does for your leukemia.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be forced to quit your job to concentrate on being a better Lutheran.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're charged full of energy this week, which is not surprising, as you are a charmed quark.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your love life will come to a sudden halt this week at the very same moment your biological life does.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon have the best day you've had in a while. Of course, that just means no rapacious walruses, but you have to start somewhere.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite the best efforts of your parents and the educational advantages you've enjoyed, you still have a favorite ad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A long-lost lover will turn up unexpectedly and complicate your life. Next time, weigh down the corpse better and sink it away from the current.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close