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Horoscope for the week of September 29, 2004

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of September 29, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    New doors will be opened to you when you discover what can be done with a little patience and a set of filed-down dental instruments.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're getting the feeling that you're being nominated for the Booker Prize every year just so the judges can mock your Final Fantasy fan fiction.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You like to say your addiction is like a ravenous beast whose hunger possesses your body, but it's not as if you've ever killed anyone over a Milky Way bar.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No prison can hold a man whose mind is truly free, which means that Leavenworth is going to be a real drag for you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but afterwards dozens will swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone laughed when you began your career in high finance, but they're silent now, as it's bad taste to laugh at the homeless and destitute.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The debate over stun guns will take a strange twist when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn't work on you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For a short time, your name will be synonymous with spontaneous human combustion, but then it'll turn out you'd been planning the whole thing for weeks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is a good time for romance in the workplace, which is not great news for burn-unit janitors like you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Life often imitates art, but you're not sure what's imitating what when you're caught up in a modern-day version of the Arthurian myth played out along the sexy, sinful Vegas Strip.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You firmly believe that there are two kinds of people in the world, but also that much research and testing must be done to determine what those two types are.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always thought you'd make a great father, but private investigators hired by seven of your former girlfriends have different views on the subject.

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