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Horoscope for the week of September 29, 2004

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of September 29, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    New doors will be opened to you when you discover what can be done with a little patience and a set of filed-down dental instruments.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're getting the feeling that you're being nominated for the Booker Prize every year just so the judges can mock your Final Fantasy fan fiction.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You like to say your addiction is like a ravenous beast whose hunger possesses your body, but it's not as if you've ever killed anyone over a Milky Way bar.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No prison can hold a man whose mind is truly free, which means that Leavenworth is going to be a real drag for you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but afterwards dozens will swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone laughed when you began your career in high finance, but they're silent now, as it's bad taste to laugh at the homeless and destitute.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The debate over stun guns will take a strange twist when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn't work on you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For a short time, your name will be synonymous with spontaneous human combustion, but then it'll turn out you'd been planning the whole thing for weeks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is a good time for romance in the workplace, which is not great news for burn-unit janitors like you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Life often imitates art, but you're not sure what's imitating what when you're caught up in a modern-day version of the Arthurian myth played out along the sexy, sinful Vegas Strip.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You firmly believe that there are two kinds of people in the world, but also that much research and testing must be done to determine what those two types are.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always thought you'd make a great father, but private investigators hired by seven of your former girlfriends have different views on the subject.

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