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Horoscope for the week of September 29, 2004

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of September 29, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    New doors will be opened to you when you discover what can be done with a little patience and a set of filed-down dental instruments.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're getting the feeling that you're being nominated for the Booker Prize every year just so the judges can mock your Final Fantasy fan fiction.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You like to say your addiction is like a ravenous beast whose hunger possesses your body, but it's not as if you've ever killed anyone over a Milky Way bar.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No prison can hold a man whose mind is truly free, which means that Leavenworth is going to be a real drag for you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but afterwards dozens will swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone laughed when you began your career in high finance, but they're silent now, as it's bad taste to laugh at the homeless and destitute.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The debate over stun guns will take a strange twist when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn't work on you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For a short time, your name will be synonymous with spontaneous human combustion, but then it'll turn out you'd been planning the whole thing for weeks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is a good time for romance in the workplace, which is not great news for burn-unit janitors like you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Life often imitates art, but you're not sure what's imitating what when you're caught up in a modern-day version of the Arthurian myth played out along the sexy, sinful Vegas Strip.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You firmly believe that there are two kinds of people in the world, but also that much research and testing must be done to determine what those two types are.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always thought you'd make a great father, but private investigators hired by seven of your former girlfriends have different views on the subject.

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