Horoscope for the week of September 29, 2004

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Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
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Horoscope for the week of September 29, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    New doors will be opened to you when you discover what can be done with a little patience and a set of filed-down dental instruments.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're getting the feeling that you're being nominated for the Booker Prize every year just so the judges can mock your Final Fantasy fan fiction.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You like to say your addiction is like a ravenous beast whose hunger possesses your body, but it's not as if you've ever killed anyone over a Milky Way bar.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No prison can hold a man whose mind is truly free, which means that Leavenworth is going to be a real drag for you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but afterwards dozens will swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone laughed when you began your career in high finance, but they're silent now, as it's bad taste to laugh at the homeless and destitute.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The debate over stun guns will take a strange twist when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn't work on you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For a short time, your name will be synonymous with spontaneous human combustion, but then it'll turn out you'd been planning the whole thing for weeks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is a good time for romance in the workplace, which is not great news for burn-unit janitors like you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Life often imitates art, but you're not sure what's imitating what when you're caught up in a modern-day version of the Arthurian myth played out along the sexy, sinful Vegas Strip.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You firmly believe that there are two kinds of people in the world, but also that much research and testing must be done to determine what those two types are.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always thought you'd make a great father, but private investigators hired by seven of your former girlfriends have different views on the subject.


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