Aries | March 21 to April 19
New doors will be opened to you when you discover what can be done with a little patience and a set of filed-down dental instruments.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You're getting the feeling that you're being nominated for the Booker Prize every year just so the judges can mock your Final Fantasy fan fiction.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You like to say your addiction is like a ravenous beast whose hunger possesses your body, but it's not as if you've ever killed anyone over a Milky Way bar.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
No prison can hold a man whose mind is truly free, which means that Leavenworth is going to be a real drag for you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but afterwards dozens will swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Everyone laughed when you began your career in high finance, but they're silent now, as it's bad taste to laugh at the homeless and destitute.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The debate over stun guns will take a strange twist when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn't work on you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
For a short time, your name will be synonymous with spontaneous human combustion, but then it'll turn out you'd been planning the whole thing for weeks.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
This is a good time for romance in the workplace, which is not great news for burn-unit janitors like you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Life often imitates art, but you're not sure what's imitating what when you're caught up in a modern-day version of the Arthurian myth played out along the sexy, sinful Vegas Strip.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You firmly believe that there are two kinds of people in the world, but also that much research and testing must be done to determine what those two types are.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've always thought you'd make a great father, but private investigators hired by seven of your former girlfriends have different views on the subject.
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