Horoscope for the week of September 29, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 39

Report: Iraq War Keeping Thousands Out Of Unemployment Line

WASHINGTON, DC—A Department of Labor report praised the positive effect the Iraq War has had on the strained U.S. job market, Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao said Monday. "A whopping 140,000 U.S. citizens are gainfully employed as military personnel in Iraq," Chao said. "The war is not just keeping these young men and women out of the unemployment lines, but it's also teaching them such valuable skills as operating radar equipment, driving an M1A1 Abrams battle tank, or bagging and tagging bodies." Chao said that most troops won't need to look for new work for another four to seven years.

Produce Section Bursts Into Laughter After Will Ferrell Makes Casual Remark About Apples

LOS ANGELES—Patrons of the Trader Joe's grocery store on La Brea Avenue and Third Street broke out into gales of spontaneous laughter when fellow shopper and movie star Will Ferrell made a casual comment about apples. "I haven't had a good apple in a while," Ferrell said in the produce section, causing several nearby shoppers to giggle and nod appreciatively at the overheard remark. "Are Paula Reds any good? I wonder if they're sour like a Granny Smith." Ferrell said that, although he appreciates his fans' support, he really wanted a straight answer about the apples.

Upcoming Election Deduced From Sports Illustrated Content

LINCOLN, NE—Football fan Ben Pellett first became aware of the upcoming presidential election Tuesday, thanks to a tangential reference to it made in the Sept. 28 issue of Sports Illustrated. "One of the columnists said that picking who'll dominate the NFC North would be 'tougher than predicting the winner on Nov. 2,'" Pellett said. "At first I had no idea what that meant, but then I realized it's been a while since we voted for president. I asked my roommate, and sure enough, there's an election this year." Pellett added that he thinks both the Vikings and the Republicans have what it takes to go all the way.

Iraq Hostages

Extremists in Iraq continue to use hostage-taking to convey their message, leaving much of the world wondering what can be done. What do you think?

Oktoberfest

Munich is in the midst of Oktoberfest, Germany's annual celebration of beer and Bavarian culture. What have been the festival's highlights so far?

Alvin Shunned By Animal Community, Forced To Wear Scarlet 'A'

PASADENA, CA—Well-known frontman for Alvin & The Chipmunks, the singing group that included his brothers Simon and Theodore, Alvin Seville is adored by millions for his intricate vocals on such playful songs as "Alvin's Harmonica" and "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)." The chipmunk celebrates his 70th birthday this month, as well as his 46th year bearing the scarlet letter "A"—the mark of shame that reminds members of the animal kingdom that he is an actor who has adopted the ways of humankind.

There Are So Many Experiences I Want To Write About Having Had

As a writer, I have powers of observation far greater than those of the average person. Nothing gets by me. Sometimes, as I sit typing in my dank, dusty, windowless room, I stop and marvel at the tapestry of life. When I think about all the escapades that could inform my writing, my mind reels! The world is my keyboard's oyster—I just need to get out there and experience all the things that are waiting to be written about.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Horoscope for the week of September 29, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    New doors will be opened to you when you discover what can be done with a little patience and a set of filed-down dental instruments.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You're getting the feeling that you're being nominated for the Booker Prize every year just so the judges can mock your Final Fantasy fan fiction.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You like to say your addiction is like a ravenous beast whose hunger possesses your body, but it's not as if you've ever killed anyone over a Milky Way bar.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    No prison can hold a man whose mind is truly free, which means that Leavenworth is going to be a real drag for you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but afterwards dozens will swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Everyone laughed when you began your career in high finance, but they're silent now, as it's bad taste to laugh at the homeless and destitute.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The debate over stun guns will take a strange twist when you drunkenly decide that they probably wouldn't work on you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    For a short time, your name will be synonymous with spontaneous human combustion, but then it'll turn out you'd been planning the whole thing for weeks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    This is a good time for romance in the workplace, which is not great news for burn-unit janitors like you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Life often imitates art, but you're not sure what's imitating what when you're caught up in a modern-day version of the Arthurian myth played out along the sexy, sinful Vegas Strip.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You firmly believe that there are two kinds of people in the world, but also that much research and testing must be done to determine what those two types are.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You've always thought you'd make a great father, but private investigators hired by seven of your former girlfriends have different views on the subject.
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