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Horoscope for the week of September 3, 2003

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Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.
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Horoscope for the week of September 3, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A revolutionary idea for a clean, economic mass-transit system will strike you in the middle of the night, powdering both your femurs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally lose your long and painful battle with stomach cancer for the hand of the beautiful Esther.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although your life has not assumed the lyrical beauty of Wallace Stevens' poetry, it's right on the money as far as the terrifying sense of loneliness is concerned.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your habit of insisting that "the future is now" is leading people to wonder what you think comes after this.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's hard to say this, especially in binary:
    1101110010000001111001
    0110111101110010010111
    0111000010101000100110.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've learned a few things in your life, but as you'll soon see, looking both ways before crossing the street isn't one of them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll trade a chance to be the talk of the cocktail-party circuit for a plate of fried chicken, proving that you're no dummy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    History remembers the inventor of the machine gun, but not its first victim. Your role as the recipient of the first ice-pick noogie will likewise be anonymous.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your long-held belief that women are beautiful no matter what their size will continue to net thoughtful nods from everyone you meet.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've been busting your hump at your thankless job for years, so it'll be a grave injustice when your company refuses to pay for life-saving hump surgery.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everything you've ever believed will be called into question when it turns out that Cap'n Crunch is a real guy.

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