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Horoscope for the week of September 3, 2003

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of September 3, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A revolutionary idea for a clean, economic mass-transit system will strike you in the middle of the night, powdering both your femurs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally lose your long and painful battle with stomach cancer for the hand of the beautiful Esther.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although your life has not assumed the lyrical beauty of Wallace Stevens' poetry, it's right on the money as far as the terrifying sense of loneliness is concerned.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your habit of insisting that "the future is now" is leading people to wonder what you think comes after this.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's hard to say this, especially in binary:
    1101110010000001111001
    0110111101110010010111
    0111000010101000100110.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've learned a few things in your life, but as you'll soon see, looking both ways before crossing the street isn't one of them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll trade a chance to be the talk of the cocktail-party circuit for a plate of fried chicken, proving that you're no dummy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    History remembers the inventor of the machine gun, but not its first victim. Your role as the recipient of the first ice-pick noogie will likewise be anonymous.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your long-held belief that women are beautiful no matter what their size will continue to net thoughtful nods from everyone you meet.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've been busting your hump at your thankless job for years, so it'll be a grave injustice when your company refuses to pay for life-saving hump surgery.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everything you've ever believed will be called into question when it turns out that Cap'n Crunch is a real guy.

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