Horoscope for the week of September 3, 2003

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 3, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A revolutionary idea for a clean, economic mass-transit system will strike you in the middle of the night, powdering both your femurs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally lose your long and painful battle with stomach cancer for the hand of the beautiful Esther.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although your life has not assumed the lyrical beauty of Wallace Stevens' poetry, it's right on the money as far as the terrifying sense of loneliness is concerned.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your habit of insisting that "the future is now" is leading people to wonder what you think comes after this.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's hard to say this, especially in binary:
    1101110010000001111001
    0110111101110010010111
    0111000010101000100110.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've learned a few things in your life, but as you'll soon see, looking both ways before crossing the street isn't one of them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll trade a chance to be the talk of the cocktail-party circuit for a plate of fried chicken, proving that you're no dummy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    History remembers the inventor of the machine gun, but not its first victim. Your role as the recipient of the first ice-pick noogie will likewise be anonymous.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your long-held belief that women are beautiful no matter what their size will continue to net thoughtful nods from everyone you meet.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've been busting your hump at your thankless job for years, so it'll be a grave injustice when your company refuses to pay for life-saving hump surgery.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everything you've ever believed will be called into question when it turns out that Cap'n Crunch is a real guy.
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