Aries | March 21 to April 19
A revolutionary idea for a clean, economic mass-transit system will strike you in the middle of the night, powdering both your femurs.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll finally lose your long and painful battle with stomach cancer for the hand of the beautiful Esther.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Although your life has not assumed the lyrical beauty of Wallace Stevens' poetry, it's right on the money as far as the terrifying sense of loneliness is concerned.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your habit of insisting that "the future is now" is leading people to wonder what you think comes after this.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It's hard to say this, especially in binary:
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You've learned a few things in your life, but as you'll soon see, looking both ways before crossing the street isn't one of them.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll trade a chance to be the talk of the cocktail-party circuit for a plate of fried chicken, proving that you're no dummy.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
History remembers the inventor of the machine gun, but not its first victim. Your role as the recipient of the first ice-pick noogie will likewise be anonymous.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your long-held belief that women are beautiful no matter what their size will continue to net thoughtful nods from everyone you meet.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've been busting your hump at your thankless job for years, so it'll be a grave injustice when your company refuses to pay for life-saving hump surgery.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Everything you've ever believed will be called into question when it turns out that Cap'n Crunch is a real guy.