Horoscope for the week of September 3, 2003

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Horoscope for the week of September 3, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A revolutionary idea for a clean, economic mass-transit system will strike you in the middle of the night, powdering both your femurs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally lose your long and painful battle with stomach cancer for the hand of the beautiful Esther.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although your life has not assumed the lyrical beauty of Wallace Stevens' poetry, it's right on the money as far as the terrifying sense of loneliness is concerned.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your habit of insisting that "the future is now" is leading people to wonder what you think comes after this.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's hard to say this, especially in binary:
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've learned a few things in your life, but as you'll soon see, looking both ways before crossing the street isn't one of them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll trade a chance to be the talk of the cocktail-party circuit for a plate of fried chicken, proving that you're no dummy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    History remembers the inventor of the machine gun, but not its first victim. Your role as the recipient of the first ice-pick noogie will likewise be anonymous.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your long-held belief that women are beautiful no matter what their size will continue to net thoughtful nods from everyone you meet.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've been busting your hump at your thankless job for years, so it'll be a grave injustice when your company refuses to pay for life-saving hump surgery.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everything you've ever believed will be called into question when it turns out that Cap'n Crunch is a real guy.


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