Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1997

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Vol 32 Issue 09

Shannon Tweed Named Head Of U.S. Task Force On Nudity & Aging

WASHINGTON, DC—Former Playboy playmate and veteran erotic straight-to-video actress Shannon Tweed was chosen by President Clinton Monday to head the newly created U.S. Task Force on Nudity & Aging. Calling Tweed the "grand old dame of the softcore, R-rated, made-for-cable film industry," Clinton said the oft-topless actress was "ideal for the position, bringing with her more than 20 years of nudity-related experience." The task force will examine the effects of aging on nudity-based careers and help develop new strategies for approaching both toplessness and full-frontal nudity for actresses over 40. Tweed will assume her new role later this month, following the completion of her latest film, Bare Evidence, which co-stars William Katt as a cop who goes undercover to find a killer who's stalking the strip joints of a major metropolitan city. The film will be available in both R-rated and unrated formats in video stores this fall.

Area Man Thanked For Playing

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Area resident Jeff Neary was warmly thanked by the Coca-Cola Corporation Monday for his participation in their "Coca-Cola Red Hot Summer Game." "Thanks for playing—try again," gushed the red plastic cap from a 20-ounce bottle of Coke purchased by Neary during his lunch hour. "That was very nice of Coca-Cola," Neary said. "I appreciated that, even though I didn't win, the beverage giant took the time to encourage me to try again." Neary has previously been thanked for shopping at Waldenbooks and flying United Airlines.

Monster Undeterred By Night-Light

MILTON, MA—A terrifying monster broke into a local boy's room Sunday night, brutally murdering and devouring the child despite the presence of a protective Mighty Morphin Power Rangers night-light. A forensics report revealed that the unidentified beast spent several minutes violently shaking Barry Dawes, 6, terrifying him to make him tastier through the release of adrenaline. He then tore off and ate the boy's limbs first, enjoying his screams until the very end. The light's manufacturer promised a full inquiry into the apparent failure of the product.

Transplanted New Yorker Disappointed With Local Bagel Scene

PORTLAND, OR—Greg Fox, a lifelong Brooklyn, NY, resident who recently moved to Portland, announced his great disappointment in the local bagel scene Monday. "There's no good bagels in this town," Fox said. "They're like bakery rolls with holes in the middle. And the selection's terrible, too: I went to five different bagel places this morning, and not one of them had pumpernickel." Fox said the only place to get real bagels is at B&B Bagels on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn.

Thousands Dead In Indonesia Again

JAKARTA, INDONESIA—Several days of relative calm in Indonesia came to an end Monday when a massive volcanic eruption buried most of Jakarta, killing thousands of Indonesians yet again. "I had a feeling we were due for another mass death," said Ende Palopo of Jakarta. "There hadn't been a disaster since Friday, when that train derailed, killing 513. And it had been well over a week since we last had an earthquake, typhoon or some other natural disaster that killed over 1,000." A public memorial service for the dead was held Tuesday, during which an unexpectedly large turnout caused hundreds to be trampled to death.

There Is So Much Controversy These Days

Have you read about all the controversy? I can barely keep my head on straight, what with all the controversy in this country nowadays. I mean, how are we supposed to live our lives when so many critical issues hang in the balance? Just thinking about the new season of Ellen sends my heart rate up to 100. Will she find a girlfriend? Will they kiss on the air? Will advertisers pull out?

The Return Of Thalidomide

Thalidomide, banned for over three decades for causing birth defects in thousands of children whose mothers took it during pregnancy, has been reapproved by the FDA for the treatment of leprosy. What do you think?

I Went To See The Movie That Was Called The Up & Down Movie

Ah, the movies. Nothing is better than to go see the movies in the theater at the Bijou and buy a tasty popcorn treat and a soda water and a box of watercress sandwiches and a tin of chewing tobacco and all the candy you can eat for a nickel. Gone are the days when a man could relax and enjoy a lovely pig roast while taking in the latest feature at the Bijou movie theater where they show the movie pictures that you can see if you pay money to see them.

Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy

Eddie McCarthy is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy, appears in more than 350 newspapers nationwide.

New York Rising

With crime down and tourism up, New York is enjoying its greatest renaissance in decades. What are some of the factors in the city's rejuvenation?
End Of Section
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Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Strive for a sense of equilibrium. When someone asks you how you are doing, reply, “Oh, you know, I’ve been better, and I’ve been worse.”
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Go a little bit crazy this week: Get liquored up on cheap vermouth, steal a tractor-trailer rig, and drive it around, steering with your feet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your boss takes you aside and gently points out a few things about your work which could use improving. Show him you understand by killing his children.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will lose your life savings betting against the Vegas odds on your love life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Resolve difficulties between feuding family members by inviting them over to your house for a roast. Everyone likes a nice roast.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your 17-song album of Cole Porter covers will only sell six copies, despite the fact that you are one of the world’s top 1,000 touch typists.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Pluto’s presence in Scorpio is impossible to discern with the naked eye.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will experience a profound awakening this week when a drunken Gemini driving a stolen tractor-trailer rig with his feet plows into your house at 3 a.m.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    After a dry spell of 30 years, your sex life is revitalized this week by a group of masochistic wrestling cheerleaders, a skein of orange yarn, a rocking chair, and a Tesla coil.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You experience a nameless sense of dread when your mother fails to make her weekly “I never wanted you” phone call.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Fire and water magic are especially strong in Pisces this week. Cleanse your soul with a healthy, refreshing jet of high-pressure steam until your skin falls off in sheets.
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