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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Strive for a sense of equilibrium. When someone asks you how you are doing, reply, “Oh, you know, I’ve been better, and I’ve been worse.”
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Go a little bit crazy this week: Get liquored up on cheap vermouth, steal a tractor-trailer rig, and drive it around, steering with your feet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your boss takes you aside and gently points out a few things about your work which could use improving. Show him you understand by killing his children.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will lose your life savings betting against the Vegas odds on your love life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Resolve difficulties between feuding family members by inviting them over to your house for a roast. Everyone likes a nice roast.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your 17-song album of Cole Porter covers will only sell six copies, despite the fact that you are one of the world’s top 1,000 touch typists.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Pluto’s presence in Scorpio is impossible to discern with the naked eye.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will experience a profound awakening this week when a drunken Gemini driving a stolen tractor-trailer rig with his feet plows into your house at 3 a.m.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After a dry spell of 30 years, your sex life is revitalized this week by a group of masochistic wrestling cheerleaders, a skein of orange yarn, a rocking chair, and a Tesla coil.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You experience a nameless sense of dread when your mother fails to make her weekly “I never wanted you” phone call.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Fire and water magic are especially strong in Pisces this week. Cleanse your soul with a healthy, refreshing jet of high-pressure steam until your skin falls off in sheets.
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