Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1997

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

  • Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

    YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

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Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Strive for a sense of equilibrium. When someone asks you how you are doing, reply, “Oh, you know, I’ve been better, and I’ve been worse.”
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Go a little bit crazy this week: Get liquored up on cheap vermouth, steal a tractor-trailer rig, and drive it around, steering with your feet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your boss takes you aside and gently points out a few things about your work which could use improving. Show him you understand by killing his children.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will lose your life savings betting against the Vegas odds on your love life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Resolve difficulties between feuding family members by inviting them over to your house for a roast. Everyone likes a nice roast.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your 17-song album of Cole Porter covers will only sell six copies, despite the fact that you are one of the world’s top 1,000 touch typists.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Pluto’s presence in Scorpio is impossible to discern with the naked eye.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will experience a profound awakening this week when a drunken Gemini driving a stolen tractor-trailer rig with his feet plows into your house at 3 a.m.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After a dry spell of 30 years, your sex life is revitalized this week by a group of masochistic wrestling cheerleaders, a skein of orange yarn, a rocking chair, and a Tesla coil.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You experience a nameless sense of dread when your mother fails to make her weekly “I never wanted you” phone call.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Fire and water magic are especially strong in Pisces this week. Cleanse your soul with a healthy, refreshing jet of high-pressure steam until your skin falls off in sheets.