Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Strive for a sense of equilibrium. When someone asks you how you are doing, reply, “Oh, you know, I’ve been better, and I’ve been worse.”
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Go a little bit crazy this week: Get liquored up on cheap vermouth, steal a tractor-trailer rig, and drive it around, steering with your feet.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your boss takes you aside and gently points out a few things about your work which could use improving. Show him you understand by killing his children.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will lose your life savings betting against the Vegas odds on your love life.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Resolve difficulties between feuding family members by inviting them over to your house for a roast. Everyone likes a nice roast.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your 17-song album of Cole Porter covers will only sell six copies, despite the fact that you are one of the world’s top 1,000 touch typists.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Pluto’s presence in Scorpio is impossible to discern with the naked eye.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will experience a profound awakening this week when a drunken Gemini driving a stolen tractor-trailer rig with his feet plows into your house at 3 a.m.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
After a dry spell of 30 years, your sex life is revitalized this week by a group of masochistic wrestling cheerleaders, a skein of orange yarn, a rocking chair, and a Tesla coil.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You experience a nameless sense of dread when your mother fails to make her weekly “I never wanted you” phone call.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Fire and water magic are especially strong in Pisces this week. Cleanse your soul with a healthy, refreshing jet of high-pressure steam until your skin falls off in sheets.
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