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Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1998

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Get back at those ignorant, pro-science heathen who ridicule your Christian worldview. Refuse to eat anything made of their precious "molecules."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fame, fortune and heavy-metal prowess are yours this week when you find your soul has been switched with that of Black Sabbath bassist Geezer Butler.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A sort of happiness will be yours when, for the first time in your life, someone actually notices that you exist.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week's overhaul of OSHA regulations means a sharp rise in the quality of crap you have to put up with from now on.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be faced with a financial crisis and cleaning problem when your crazy roommate attempts to saw herself in half.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After hundreds of hours of tests, the editors of Car And Driver will announce that you are the worst-handling Virgo they've ever driven.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your spectacular canoeing death will owe much to the life's work of David Bushnell (1742-1824), inventor of the submersible anti-ship mine.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You may think you scored a victory at a recent land-use-committee meeting, but next week you will be painfully re-zoned for commercial use.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There is no end in sight to the growing sense of horror and existential dread you have been experiencing since 1989.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Absolutely nothing will go right in your life this week. You must not let this bother you, however, because you are Marcus Aurelius, father of stoicism.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Heavenly Host will appear to you in a vision this week, offering you drinks and snacks and telling you to sit anywhere you like.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your sweetness of disposition, generous nature and charming personality are overshadowed by your foul and unnatural love of Broadway musicals.

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