Aries | March 21 to April 19
Get back at those ignorant, pro-science heathen who ridicule your Christian worldview. Refuse to eat anything made of their precious "molecules."
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Fame, fortune and heavy-metal prowess are yours this week when you find your soul has been switched with that of Black Sabbath bassist Geezer Butler.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A sort of happiness will be yours when, for the first time in your life, someone actually notices that you exist.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
This week's overhaul of OSHA regulations means a sharp rise in the quality of crap you have to put up with from now on.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll be faced with a financial crisis and cleaning problem when your crazy roommate attempts to saw herself in half.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
After hundreds of hours of tests, the editors of Car And Driver will announce that you are the worst-handling Virgo they've ever driven.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your spectacular canoeing death will owe much to the life's work of David Bushnell (1742-1824), inventor of the submersible anti-ship mine.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You may think you scored a victory at a recent land-use-committee meeting, but next week you will be painfully re-zoned for commercial use.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
There is no end in sight to the growing sense of horror and existential dread you have been experiencing since 1989.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Absolutely nothing will go right in your life this week. You must not let this bother you, however, because you are Marcus Aurelius, father of stoicism.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The Heavenly Host will appear to you in a vision this week, offering you drinks and snacks and telling you to sit anywhere you like.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your sweetness of disposition, generous nature and charming personality are overshadowed by your foul and unnatural love of Broadway musicals.
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