Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1998

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Get back at those ignorant, pro-science heathen who ridicule your Christian worldview. Refuse to eat anything made of their precious "molecules."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fame, fortune and heavy-metal prowess are yours this week when you find your soul has been switched with that of Black Sabbath bassist Geezer Butler.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A sort of happiness will be yours when, for the first time in your life, someone actually notices that you exist.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week's overhaul of OSHA regulations means a sharp rise in the quality of crap you have to put up with from now on.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be faced with a financial crisis and cleaning problem when your crazy roommate attempts to saw herself in half.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After hundreds of hours of tests, the editors of Car And Driver will announce that you are the worst-handling Virgo they've ever driven.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your spectacular canoeing death will owe much to the life's work of David Bushnell (1742-1824), inventor of the submersible anti-ship mine.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You may think you scored a victory at a recent land-use-committee meeting, but next week you will be painfully re-zoned for commercial use.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There is no end in sight to the growing sense of horror and existential dread you have been experiencing since 1989.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Absolutely nothing will go right in your life this week. You must not let this bother you, however, because you are Marcus Aurelius, father of stoicism.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Heavenly Host will appear to you in a vision this week, offering you drinks and snacks and telling you to sit anywhere you like.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your sweetness of disposition, generous nature and charming personality are overshadowed by your foul and unnatural love of Broadway musicals.