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Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1998

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Get back at those ignorant, pro-science heathen who ridicule your Christian worldview. Refuse to eat anything made of their precious "molecules."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fame, fortune and heavy-metal prowess are yours this week when you find your soul has been switched with that of Black Sabbath bassist Geezer Butler.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A sort of happiness will be yours when, for the first time in your life, someone actually notices that you exist.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week's overhaul of OSHA regulations means a sharp rise in the quality of crap you have to put up with from now on.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be faced with a financial crisis and cleaning problem when your crazy roommate attempts to saw herself in half.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After hundreds of hours of tests, the editors of Car And Driver will announce that you are the worst-handling Virgo they've ever driven.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your spectacular canoeing death will owe much to the life's work of David Bushnell (1742-1824), inventor of the submersible anti-ship mine.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You may think you scored a victory at a recent land-use-committee meeting, but next week you will be painfully re-zoned for commercial use.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There is no end in sight to the growing sense of horror and existential dread you have been experiencing since 1989.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Absolutely nothing will go right in your life this week. You must not let this bother you, however, because you are Marcus Aurelius, father of stoicism.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Heavenly Host will appear to you in a vision this week, offering you drinks and snacks and telling you to sit anywhere you like.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your sweetness of disposition, generous nature and charming personality are overshadowed by your foul and unnatural love of Broadway musicals.

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