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Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1998

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Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage

GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Get back at those ignorant, pro-science heathen who ridicule your Christian worldview. Refuse to eat anything made of their precious "molecules."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fame, fortune and heavy-metal prowess are yours this week when you find your soul has been switched with that of Black Sabbath bassist Geezer Butler.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A sort of happiness will be yours when, for the first time in your life, someone actually notices that you exist.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week's overhaul of OSHA regulations means a sharp rise in the quality of crap you have to put up with from now on.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be faced with a financial crisis and cleaning problem when your crazy roommate attempts to saw herself in half.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After hundreds of hours of tests, the editors of Car And Driver will announce that you are the worst-handling Virgo they've ever driven.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your spectacular canoeing death will owe much to the life's work of David Bushnell (1742-1824), inventor of the submersible anti-ship mine.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You may think you scored a victory at a recent land-use-committee meeting, but next week you will be painfully re-zoned for commercial use.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There is no end in sight to the growing sense of horror and existential dread you have been experiencing since 1989.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Absolutely nothing will go right in your life this week. You must not let this bother you, however, because you are Marcus Aurelius, father of stoicism.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Heavenly Host will appear to you in a vision this week, offering you drinks and snacks and telling you to sit anywhere you like.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your sweetness of disposition, generous nature and charming personality are overshadowed by your foul and unnatural love of Broadway musicals.

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