Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1998

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Vol 34 Issue 09

CBS: L.A. Doctors Not Some Kind Of Joke

NEW YORK—CBS programming executives reiterated their insistence Monday that the network's new medical drama L.A. Doctors is not some kind of joke. "We are putting out a show called L.A. Doctors and are doing so with no humorous intent," CBS president Leslie Moonves said. "Each week, the triumphs and tribulations of a group of attractive young Los Angeles doctors will be sincerely dramatized on this not-a-joke program." CBS is rolling out a high-profile promo campaign for L.A. Doctors featuring the slogan, "We Are Honestly Not Kidding About This Show."

Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents

HOUSTON—Morton Schuitt, a distribution supervisor with DataTech Enterprises, is expected to work with these incompetents, it was learned Monday. "Can you believe the people I have to work with here?" the incredulous Schuitt said. "They can barely tie their own shoes, much less stick to a monthly distribution schedule." Sources indicate that for the money Schuitt is getting for what he has to put up with, it is a miracle he didn't leave DataTech long ago.

Wacky Forensics Investigation Turns Autopsy-Turvy

DETROIT—A forensics examination turned autopsy-turvy Tuesday, when Wayne County coroner Ben Frisch accidentally switched a pair of corpses. As a result of the wacky mix-up, the death of 22-year-old gunshot victim Andre Watts was determined to be a stab wound to the aortic valve, while the cause of death for 47-year-old stabbing victim Bill Lewiston was listed as "gunshot wound, left temple." "Yikes!" said the screwball coroner upon discovering his zany mistake. "Looks like I really goofed this time."

Husband Pretty Sure He Hooked Up Gas Stove Correctly

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Area husband Dan Zollner is "almost positive" that the Hotpoint gas stove he recently purchased is hooked up correctly. "Don't worry, honey, I'm 99.9 percent sure I did it right," Zollner told wife Diane after the fourth installation attempt. "I don't even hear that hissing sound in the back anymore. All the gas seems to be getting into the stove where it belongs." Zollner said he is "real proud" that he was able to hook up the stove without any assistance.

Dying Mastermind Pulls Red Lever

LIBERTY CITY—With his last ounce of strength, dying evil genius Dr. Mordred pulled a red lever Monday, activating his diabolical Ragnarok Device and spelling certain doom for humanity. According to witnesses, moments after Mordred pulled the lever, red siren lights and honking klaxons went off, indicating to the people of Earth that their fate is sealed and that there is nothing they can do about it. The Ragnarok Device will emit Megatronic Sonic-Disruptor Waves into the Earth's core in less than five hours, causing the planet to explode, unless Captain Alpha can be contacted in time.

Russia's Woes?

Russia is currently in the grips of the worst economic and political turmoil it has seen since the breakup of the Soviet Union. What do you think about the woeful state of our former enemy?

Everybody's Swinging, Daddy-O!

Item! All across America, kids are putting on their Zoot Suits and lining up around the block to swing dance again! Sparked by the smash-hit Gap ad, the swing craze is really taking off! In fact, so many people are doing the "Lindberg Hop," the "Shoe-Buckle Shake" and the "Over The River And Through The Woods," it's like it's 1943 all over again! Hey, is that Adolf Hitler over there cutting a rug with Eva Braun? I think it is!
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Innovation

Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    Get back at those ignorant, pro-science heathen who ridicule your Christian worldview. Refuse to eat anything made of their precious "molecules."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Fame, fortune and heavy-metal prowess are yours this week when you find your soul has been switched with that of Black Sabbath bassist Geezer Butler.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A sort of happiness will be yours when, for the first time in your life, someone actually notices that you exist.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    This week's overhaul of OSHA regulations means a sharp rise in the quality of crap you have to put up with from now on.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll be faced with a financial crisis and cleaning problem when your crazy roommate attempts to saw herself in half.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    After hundreds of hours of tests, the editors of Car And Driver will announce that you are the worst-handling Virgo they've ever driven.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your spectacular canoeing death will owe much to the life's work of David Bushnell (1742-1824), inventor of the submersible anti-ship mine.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You may think you scored a victory at a recent land-use-committee meeting, but next week you will be painfully re-zoned for commercial use.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    There is no end in sight to the growing sense of horror and existential dread you have been experiencing since 1989.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Absolutely nothing will go right in your life this week. You must not let this bother you, however, because you are Marcus Aurelius, father of stoicism.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The Heavenly Host will appear to you in a vision this week, offering you drinks and snacks and telling you to sit anywhere you like.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your sweetness of disposition, generous nature and charming personality are overshadowed by your foul and unnatural love of Broadway musicals.
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