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Horoscope for the week of September 4, 1996

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of September 4, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It’s been a rough week for everyone at your workplace. Try to lighten everyone’s burden a little with a friendly exchange of hostages.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will become the focus of national loathing this week when famed and beloved “Little Person” Billy Barty is killed by your brand new 20-foot-high electric fence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your lifelong battle with genital odor will be won this week, thanks to the twin miracles of wire brushes and lye.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Venus ascendant in your sign means increased romantic opportunity. You will once more be hit by a bus attempting to screw anything that moves.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A show of humility is in order after it is demonstrated that you cannot, in fact, stop a rapidly spinning drill bit with your lips.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An awkward social situation arises when Bob Hope’s ghost materializes at your wedding and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Trouble with authority figures is possible for Libra in early September. Don’t try to tell the judge any “Old switcheroo” style jokes about your drunken low rider/high chair incident.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your religious faith is shaken to its foundations when a new translation of the Bible asks you to Praise The Lard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The first of the month can mean but one thing for the Sagittarius. It is time once more to double your intake of prescription medicine.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The entire Southern region of the United States will fall in love with you overnight as you accidentally win three straight stock car races.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Jupiter in your sign means obstacles ahead. Continue wearing your crash helmet to bed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An eerie sense of doom enters your mealtimes as the fortune cookie people continue their vendetta against you.

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