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Horoscope for the week of September 4, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It’s been a rough week for everyone at your workplace. Try to lighten everyone’s burden a little with a friendly exchange of hostages.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will become the focus of national loathing this week when famed and beloved “Little Person” Billy Barty is killed by your brand new 20-foot-high electric fence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your lifelong battle with genital odor will be won this week, thanks to the twin miracles of wire brushes and lye.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Venus ascendant in your sign means increased romantic opportunity. You will once more be hit by a bus attempting to screw anything that moves.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A show of humility is in order after it is demonstrated that you cannot, in fact, stop a rapidly spinning drill bit with your lips.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An awkward social situation arises when Bob Hope’s ghost materializes at your wedding and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Trouble with authority figures is possible for Libra in early September. Don’t try to tell the judge any “Old switcheroo” style jokes about your drunken low rider/high chair incident.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your religious faith is shaken to its foundations when a new translation of the Bible asks you to Praise The Lard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The first of the month can mean but one thing for the Sagittarius. It is time once more to double your intake of prescription medicine.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The entire Southern region of the United States will fall in love with you overnight as you accidentally win three straight stock car races.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Jupiter in your sign means obstacles ahead. Continue wearing your crash helmet to bed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An eerie sense of doom enters your mealtimes as the fortune cookie people continue their vendetta against you.

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