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Horoscope for the week of September 4, 1996

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Horoscope for the week of September 4, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It’s been a rough week for everyone at your workplace. Try to lighten everyone’s burden a little with a friendly exchange of hostages.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will become the focus of national loathing this week when famed and beloved “Little Person” Billy Barty is killed by your brand new 20-foot-high electric fence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your lifelong battle with genital odor will be won this week, thanks to the twin miracles of wire brushes and lye.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Venus ascendant in your sign means increased romantic opportunity. You will once more be hit by a bus attempting to screw anything that moves.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A show of humility is in order after it is demonstrated that you cannot, in fact, stop a rapidly spinning drill bit with your lips.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An awkward social situation arises when Bob Hope’s ghost materializes at your wedding and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Trouble with authority figures is possible for Libra in early September. Don’t try to tell the judge any “Old switcheroo” style jokes about your drunken low rider/high chair incident.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your religious faith is shaken to its foundations when a new translation of the Bible asks you to Praise The Lard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The first of the month can mean but one thing for the Sagittarius. It is time once more to double your intake of prescription medicine.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The entire Southern region of the United States will fall in love with you overnight as you accidentally win three straight stock car races.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Jupiter in your sign means obstacles ahead. Continue wearing your crash helmet to bed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An eerie sense of doom enters your mealtimes as the fortune cookie people continue their vendetta against you.

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