Horoscope for the week of September 4, 1996

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Horoscope for the week of September 4, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It’s been a rough week for everyone at your workplace. Try to lighten everyone’s burden a little with a friendly exchange of hostages.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will become the focus of national loathing this week when famed and beloved “Little Person” Billy Barty is killed by your brand new 20-foot-high electric fence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your lifelong battle with genital odor will be won this week, thanks to the twin miracles of wire brushes and lye.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Venus ascendant in your sign means increased romantic opportunity. You will once more be hit by a bus attempting to screw anything that moves.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A show of humility is in order after it is demonstrated that you cannot, in fact, stop a rapidly spinning drill bit with your lips.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An awkward social situation arises when Bob Hope’s ghost materializes at your wedding and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Trouble with authority figures is possible for Libra in early September. Don’t try to tell the judge any “Old switcheroo” style jokes about your drunken low rider/high chair incident.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your religious faith is shaken to its foundations when a new translation of the Bible asks you to Praise The Lard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The first of the month can mean but one thing for the Sagittarius. It is time once more to double your intake of prescription medicine.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The entire Southern region of the United States will fall in love with you overnight as you accidentally win three straight stock car races.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Jupiter in your sign means obstacles ahead. Continue wearing your crash helmet to bed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An eerie sense of doom enters your mealtimes as the fortune cookie people continue their vendetta against you.