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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Horoscope for the week of September 4, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll barely be able to make it through the day knowing that Ben Vereen is disappointed in you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars appreciate that you want to protest rampant corporate corruption, but they don't see what you think the giant puppets are going to accomplish.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be the first person in almost three millennia whom the gods see fit to punish for an astounding lack of hubris.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You understand that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, but you still aren't sure which is supposed to be better.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This Saturday, evil gangsters will target an FBI crime dog who lives with a goofy mailman. Fortunately, it will happen on HBO, so you're still safe for the time being.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The reality is, if people can't believe that yellow grease is not butter, this country is seriously fucked up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your confusion over the baffling ordeal of modern life is only made worse by the strobe lights and klaxons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You may not be able to walk, but you refuse to think of yourself as handicapped. You prefer to see yourself as "handi-crippled."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You understand that Alaska's economy has been hit hard by the poor salmon season, but you don't see how hunting you will improve matters.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon discover the only brand of stylish, functional, high-tech sunglasses that make you feel like a complete man.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You thought you'd heard of all the kinky fetishes, but that was before next week's launch of a 24-hour doll-collecting channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're familiar with the saying "throw the baby out with the bathwater," but you never imagined you'd actually find yourself in the situation.

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