Horoscope for the week of September 4, 2002

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Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

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Horoscope for the week of September 4, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll barely be able to make it through the day knowing that Ben Vereen is disappointed in you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars appreciate that you want to protest rampant corporate corruption, but they don't see what you think the giant puppets are going to accomplish.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be the first person in almost three millennia whom the gods see fit to punish for an astounding lack of hubris.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You understand that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, but you still aren't sure which is supposed to be better.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This Saturday, evil gangsters will target an FBI crime dog who lives with a goofy mailman. Fortunately, it will happen on HBO, so you're still safe for the time being.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The reality is, if people can't believe that yellow grease is not butter, this country is seriously fucked up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your confusion over the baffling ordeal of modern life is only made worse by the strobe lights and klaxons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You may not be able to walk, but you refuse to think of yourself as handicapped. You prefer to see yourself as "handi-crippled."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You understand that Alaska's economy has been hit hard by the poor salmon season, but you don't see how hunting you will improve matters.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon discover the only brand of stylish, functional, high-tech sunglasses that make you feel like a complete man.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You thought you'd heard of all the kinky fetishes, but that was before next week's launch of a 24-hour doll-collecting channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're familiar with the saying "throw the baby out with the bathwater," but you never imagined you'd actually find yourself in the situation.


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