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Horoscope for the week of September 4, 2002

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 4, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll barely be able to make it through the day knowing that Ben Vereen is disappointed in you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars appreciate that you want to protest rampant corporate corruption, but they don't see what you think the giant puppets are going to accomplish.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be the first person in almost three millennia whom the gods see fit to punish for an astounding lack of hubris.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You understand that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, but you still aren't sure which is supposed to be better.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This Saturday, evil gangsters will target an FBI crime dog who lives with a goofy mailman. Fortunately, it will happen on HBO, so you're still safe for the time being.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The reality is, if people can't believe that yellow grease is not butter, this country is seriously fucked up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your confusion over the baffling ordeal of modern life is only made worse by the strobe lights and klaxons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You may not be able to walk, but you refuse to think of yourself as handicapped. You prefer to see yourself as "handi-crippled."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You understand that Alaska's economy has been hit hard by the poor salmon season, but you don't see how hunting you will improve matters.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon discover the only brand of stylish, functional, high-tech sunglasses that make you feel like a complete man.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You thought you'd heard of all the kinky fetishes, but that was before next week's launch of a 24-hour doll-collecting channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're familiar with the saying "throw the baby out with the bathwater," but you never imagined you'd actually find yourself in the situation.

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