Horoscope for the week of September 4, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 32

JazzFest Performer Recognizes Audience From Last Year

INDIANAPOLIS—Twenty minutes into his set at Sunday's JVC JazzFest, jazz guitarist Lee Ritenour recognized the entire audience from last year's event. "There's that one gray-haired guy with the ponytail and the Rippingtons T-shirt," Ritenour said to himself while playing. "And the fat guy who sits on a stack of old issues of Down Beat, just nodding his head. And there's that frizzy-haired lady with the Playboy JazzFest blanket who comes with her son. My, he's grown." After a rousing ovation at the end of his set, Ritenour thanked the crowd and said, "See you all next year."

Catholic Church Rules Perjury Not A Mortal Sin

VATICAN CITY—The Vatican Synod of Bishops ruled Monday that perjury is not a mortal sin, downgrading the sin to venal."God and The Mother Church will be more than satisfied with a penance of 20 rosaries for any act of perjury," Cardinal Angelo Sodano said. "Any earthly prohibition against lying in a court of law has no relevance to the holy teachings of The Bible." The proclamation comes on the heels of last Friday's doctrinal clarification that adultery only occurs when both participants are adults.

Bar Owner Considering Sept. 11 Options

BOWLING GREEN, KY—With the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks fast approaching, Tommy's Tavern owner Thomas Kuharski is trying to determine the appropriate way for his bar to mark the event. "I definitely want to have one minute of silence," Kuharski said. "But I'm not sure when, since the attacks took place around 9 a.m. and we don't open until noon. I'm also thinking of offering $1 rail drinks for police officers and firemen all day. Is that enough, though?" Kuharski said he may also order a cheese-and-cracker plate and flag napkins.

Keeping Kids Safe

The nation has been hit with a rash of child abductions. What are federal officials recommending to reduce the risk?

Martha's Mess

Implicated in the ImClone trading scandal, Martha Stewart is now accused of illegally dumping her own company's stock, as well. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 4, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll barely be able to make it through the day knowing that Ben Vereen is disappointed in you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars appreciate that you want to protest rampant corporate corruption, but they don't see what you think the giant puppets are going to accomplish.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be the first person in almost three millennia whom the gods see fit to punish for an astounding lack of hubris.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You understand that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, but you still aren't sure which is supposed to be better.
  • Leo

    Leo

    This Saturday, evil gangsters will target an FBI crime dog who lives with a goofy mailman. Fortunately, it will happen on HBO, so you're still safe for the time being.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The reality is, if people can't believe that yellow grease is not butter, this country is seriously fucked up.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your confusion over the baffling ordeal of modern life is only made worse by the strobe lights and klaxons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You may not be able to walk, but you refuse to think of yourself as handicapped. You prefer to see yourself as "handi-crippled."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You understand that Alaska's economy has been hit hard by the poor salmon season, but you don't see how hunting you will improve matters.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will soon discover the only brand of stylish, functional, high-tech sunglasses that make you feel like a complete man.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You thought you'd heard of all the kinky fetishes, but that was before next week's launch of a 24-hour doll-collecting channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You're familiar with the saying "throw the baby out with the bathwater," but you never imagined you'd actually find yourself in the situation.
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