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Horoscope for the week of September 4, 2002

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of September 4, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll barely be able to make it through the day knowing that Ben Vereen is disappointed in you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars appreciate that you want to protest rampant corporate corruption, but they don't see what you think the giant puppets are going to accomplish.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be the first person in almost three millennia whom the gods see fit to punish for an astounding lack of hubris.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You understand that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, but you still aren't sure which is supposed to be better.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This Saturday, evil gangsters will target an FBI crime dog who lives with a goofy mailman. Fortunately, it will happen on HBO, so you're still safe for the time being.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The reality is, if people can't believe that yellow grease is not butter, this country is seriously fucked up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your confusion over the baffling ordeal of modern life is only made worse by the strobe lights and klaxons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You may not be able to walk, but you refuse to think of yourself as handicapped. You prefer to see yourself as "handi-crippled."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You understand that Alaska's economy has been hit hard by the poor salmon season, but you don't see how hunting you will improve matters.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon discover the only brand of stylish, functional, high-tech sunglasses that make you feel like a complete man.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You thought you'd heard of all the kinky fetishes, but that was before next week's launch of a 24-hour doll-collecting channel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're familiar with the saying "throw the baby out with the bathwater," but you never imagined you'd actually find yourself in the situation.

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