Horoscope for the week of September 5, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 31

Friendly Note To Coworker Undergoes Eight Revisions

WILMINGTON, DE—A brief note from United Family Insurance employee Martin Schatz to a coworker regarding storage-closet office supplies went through eight rewrites Monday. "I wrote it pretty quick and was about to drop it in [Al Miesner's] box when I noticed I used the word 'stapler' twice in the same line," Schatz reported after delivering the final version. "It read kind of weird, so I changed the second 'stapler' to 'it.' But then it read even worse, so I changed it back." Schatz also changed "Thanks!!!" to "Thanks..." fearing that the original punctuation was "a bit too much."

Disney Still Throwing Word 'Classic' Around Like So Much Confetti

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The Walt Disney Company referred to an obscure, unacclaimed 1944 film as a "classic" prior to its home-video release Tuesday, once again treating the word as tinsel which may be draped arbitrarily upon any random object. "No home-video library is complete without the timeless Disney classic Mairzy Doats," a TV commercial for the reissue said. "These four unforgettable animated vignettes, hosted by Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland, are now available for a new generation to treasure—you know, much like previous generations have done." The 45-minute video joins such previous Disney "classics" as Melody Time, Fun & Fancy Free, Make Mine Music, and Tarzan.

Third Knocked-Over Glass Of Water Makes Man Want To Give Up

VANCOUVER, WA—A third spilled beverage in less than six hours made Dan Drayton want to give up and crawl back into bed Monday. "God, I'm pathetic," said a disconsolate Drayton, 37, following the tertiary mishap. "This is the third time. The third time." Drayton then sat and stared at the puddle of water on his kitchen counter for eight minutes before getting a roll of paper towels.

80 Percent of U.S. Populace Now Selling Handmade Jewelry

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Department Of Labor report released Monday, four out of five Americans derive at least a portion of their income from the sale of handmade jewelry. "In the past 10 years, the number of Americans selling or attempting to sell jewelry of their own creation has risen tenfold," Labor Department spokesman Gary Hardwick told reporters. "And, speaking of jewelry, if any reporter here has a girlfriend or wife who might like some lovely dreamcatcher earrings, I'd be happy to show them some of my designs."

The Dress-Code Crackdown

Across the U.S., high schools are banning low-rise jeans, midriff-baring tops, and other skimpy articles of clothing. What do you think about the fashion crackdown?

The Euro Is Unveiled

Last week, Europeans got a chance to see their new currrency. What are some of the Euro's features?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of September 5, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Despite your repeated entreaties, no one seems willing to take your wife. Perhaps you should consider adding the word "please" to your request.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The object of your affection seems oblivious to your romantic feelings. This is not surprising, as elephant seals have a limited capacity for empathy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Three-inch heels are coming back into style. Unfortunately for you, though, they're expected to be attached to shoes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
  • Leo

    Leo

    By the time your clever ruse is exposed, you'll be safely across the Swiss border, which seems like an excessive response to substituting yogurt for sour cream in recipes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    This would be a good week to retake control of your life. Good, certainly, but not great.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Much to your consternation, you discover that it takes more than nudity, llamas, and gin to scandalize the British consulate.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will reconsider your longtime conviction that there's nothing funny about brain cancer when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will be pleased by your appointment as Emperor Of Ice Cream, as you like ice cream and have always wanted to wield authority.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will get a nose ring this week when you momentarily believe yourself to be a Brahma bull.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will receive a formal letter from Johnny Cash stating, in no uncertain terms, that he is very disappointed in you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Remember: Sincerity is all well and good, but your suit and haircut are what the jury sees first.
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