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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Horoscope for the week of September 5, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Despite your repeated entreaties, no one seems willing to take your wife. Perhaps you should consider adding the word "please" to your request.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The object of your affection seems oblivious to your romantic feelings. This is not surprising, as elephant seals have a limited capacity for empathy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Three-inch heels are coming back into style. Unfortunately for you, though, they're expected to be attached to shoes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By the time your clever ruse is exposed, you'll be safely across the Swiss border, which seems like an excessive response to substituting yogurt for sour cream in recipes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This would be a good week to retake control of your life. Good, certainly, but not great.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Much to your consternation, you discover that it takes more than nudity, llamas, and gin to scandalize the British consulate.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will reconsider your longtime conviction that there's nothing funny about brain cancer when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be pleased by your appointment as Emperor Of Ice Cream, as you like ice cream and have always wanted to wield authority.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will get a nose ring this week when you momentarily believe yourself to be a Brahma bull.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will receive a formal letter from Johnny Cash stating, in no uncertain terms, that he is very disappointed in you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Sincerity is all well and good, but your suit and haircut are what the jury sees first.

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