Horoscope for the week of September 5, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Sleep

Horoscope for the week of September 5, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Despite your repeated entreaties, no one seems willing to take your wife. Perhaps you should consider adding the word "please" to your request.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The object of your affection seems oblivious to your romantic feelings. This is not surprising, as elephant seals have a limited capacity for empathy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Three-inch heels are coming back into style. Unfortunately for you, though, they're expected to be attached to shoes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By the time your clever ruse is exposed, you'll be safely across the Swiss border, which seems like an excessive response to substituting yogurt for sour cream in recipes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This would be a good week to retake control of your life. Good, certainly, but not great.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Much to your consternation, you discover that it takes more than nudity, llamas, and gin to scandalize the British consulate.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will reconsider your longtime conviction that there's nothing funny about brain cancer when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be pleased by your appointment as Emperor Of Ice Cream, as you like ice cream and have always wanted to wield authority.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will get a nose ring this week when you momentarily believe yourself to be a Brahma bull.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will receive a formal letter from Johnny Cash stating, in no uncertain terms, that he is very disappointed in you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Sincerity is all well and good, but your suit and haircut are what the jury sees first.