Horoscope for the week of September 5, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of September 5, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Despite your repeated entreaties, no one seems willing to take your wife. Perhaps you should consider adding the word "please" to your request.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The object of your affection seems oblivious to your romantic feelings. This is not surprising, as elephant seals have a limited capacity for empathy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Three-inch heels are coming back into style. Unfortunately for you, though, they're expected to be attached to shoes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By the time your clever ruse is exposed, you'll be safely across the Swiss border, which seems like an excessive response to substituting yogurt for sour cream in recipes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This would be a good week to retake control of your life. Good, certainly, but not great.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Much to your consternation, you discover that it takes more than nudity, llamas, and gin to scandalize the British consulate.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will reconsider your longtime conviction that there's nothing funny about brain cancer when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be pleased by your appointment as Emperor Of Ice Cream, as you like ice cream and have always wanted to wield authority.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will get a nose ring this week when you momentarily believe yourself to be a Brahma bull.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will receive a formal letter from Johnny Cash stating, in no uncertain terms, that he is very disappointed in you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Sincerity is all well and good, but your suit and haircut are what the jury sees first.