Horoscope for the week of September 5, 2001

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Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

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Horoscope for the week of September 5, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Despite your repeated entreaties, no one seems willing to take your wife. Perhaps you should consider adding the word "please" to your request.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The object of your affection seems oblivious to your romantic feelings. This is not surprising, as elephant seals have a limited capacity for empathy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Three-inch heels are coming back into style. Unfortunately for you, though, they're expected to be attached to shoes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By the time your clever ruse is exposed, you'll be safely across the Swiss border, which seems like an excessive response to substituting yogurt for sour cream in recipes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This would be a good week to retake control of your life. Good, certainly, but not great.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Much to your consternation, you discover that it takes more than nudity, llamas, and gin to scandalize the British consulate.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will reconsider your longtime conviction that there's nothing funny about brain cancer when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be pleased by your appointment as Emperor Of Ice Cream, as you like ice cream and have always wanted to wield authority.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will get a nose ring this week when you momentarily believe yourself to be a Brahma bull.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will receive a formal letter from Johnny Cash stating, in no uncertain terms, that he is very disappointed in you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Sincerity is all well and good, but your suit and haircut are what the jury sees first.